To forgive DH for past behaviour?

[Fishfingersandwich8]

I posted some time ago, when I was pregnant and received responses that I should leave my DH. I was all set up to go but my DH begged me to stay. He said he would change and so I stayed as DS was about to be born. DH is the best Dad ever.

My mother was very critical of my DH (and me for staying with him) and I had to cut off contact with her for my own wellbeing. My DF was not involved in the fallout but I don’t see him either as he supports my mother’s view.

I have just discovered that my grandmother has been telling people that my DS is always ill - and it is being discussed that it is likely because of all the times DH shouted at me when I was pregnant - that stress hormones would somehow have crossed the placenta - or cortisol levels have weakened DS’s immune system. I have looked it up but it seems inconclusive - so I am right in thinking/hoping it cannot be too serious? Unfortunately, my grandmother knows DS has been unwell several times but only with colic and viruses - and was nearly hospitalised on two occasions. I feel very betrayed by my grandmother and regret telling her anything.

DS is my whole world. AIBU to forgive DH for his past behaviour?

Thank you for all your responses. DH was so remorseful about his past behaviour and has been very kind to me ever since. He was my rock when my mother left.

I feel my mother should have supported me in giving my marriage one more try for the sake of my DS if nothing else.

It has just come as a real shock to know that DH and me are being talked about negatively by my grandmother to random people. My DH didn’t think shouting or blocking my phone could harm the baby - if he did know I would not be able to get past that.

I would add that I was very difficult to live with throughout the miscarriages and final pregnancy which resulted in my gorgeous DS. I was constantly sick and didn’t even feel like getting out of bed a lot of the time.

So it’s every9nes fault but his.

i really feel sorry for you

My DH didn’t think shouting or blocking my phone could harm the baby

Is he stupid? Even if he didn’t think it could hurt the baby he didn’t give a shit about hurting you. The woman he’s supposed to love and cherish the most in the world. Have a little think about that.

I feel sorry for the grandma and the vulnerable baby.

Your husband is abusive, so obviously your mum wouldn't support you getting back with him. It isnt for your DS' sake, its your own selfish sake. It will only harm your DS

You need to do the freedom program

He’s doing a cracking job of completely isolating you from your family who actually care about you and of making you see him as some sort of angel. I fear, op, you’ll live to bitterly regret your choices here.

If you were my daughter, I'd be broken by your actions.

You’ve cut off your parents who wanted you to leave an abusive man but stayed with an abusive man? He’s not the best dad ever if he abused you. You need to leave. I’m speaking from experience of my DD’s dad abusing me but pretending to others he was the ‘best dad.’

I don’t beleive for one moment this man, with the pressures of a new baby has turned into a completely different person, treats you well and is dad of the year,

so the question is why are you saying it, are you embarrassed? Could he read this? Don’t cut your grandmother off as well and fully isolate yourself with your abuser.

I do accept that it could be seen as a form of abuse when I was very vulnerable - but he has changed so much since he became a father.

No he’s not has he, you’re doing it all like the house hold skivvy, keeping the baby quiet and trying to ensure you do nothing to upset him.

its you who has changed,

You’ve got an abusive husband and everyone who knew about his behaviour was telling you to leave him. You stayed, he has played the victim and shown fake remorse and is on best behaviour while he got you to cut off your family, the people who were there for you during his abuse?

This is what abusers do. And now you’re isolated and he will start abusing you again soon.

Severe emotional stress can harm a baby in utero. From your descriptions of your husband's behaviour in your previous post, I would imagine that you were suffering from severe emotional stress.

Your mother was your rock during your pregnancy. Did your DH encourage you to cut off contact with her?

I have just discovered that my grandmother has been telling people that my DS is always ill - and it is being discussed that it is likely because of all the times DH shouted at me when I was pregnant - that stress hormones would somehow have crossed the placenta - or cortisol levels have weakened DS’s immune system.

But this is similar to what YOU wrote was your concern in the other thread, @Fishfingersandwich8 - that you were frightened the baby would hear all the shouting in the womb. It seems to me you shared this fear with your grandmother and she is now embellishing what you said to her when you were pregnant.

As for your husband, I can see why everyone was telling you to leave him. Best of luck there. Are you still not working?

Great, so now you've had a baby with an abusive man you married when you'd only met him online 12 months before, and you've cut contact with your mum who cared enough to pay for your last round of IVF.

You're going to need all the friends and family you can get when this goes tits up.

So I'd start repairing bridges immediately OP.

It's great if your DH has genuinely changed but it seems unlikely, particularly if he has not had any therapy or counselling. Of course your family are concerned for you, can you imagine how you would feel if someone treated your DC the way he treated you? By cutting them off you are more isolated and reliant on your abuser.

Am I right you don’t have a job op? Do you have freinds, is your grandmother your last connection with society?

have you completely isolated yourself and made yourself incredibly vulnerable and reliant on your abuser ?

are you now doing it all, the housework the chores, caring for your baby and basically toeing the line so as not to upset him? Do you have any form of life outwith this, friends, socialising etc?

The fact that you’re here blaming yourself for how he behaved proves you haven’t learnt or stopped being abused. He just got better at hiding it from you and has you so worn down.

You’ve cut off most of your family for a man who would block you for days because he was angry while you possibly miscarry but now suddenly his a saint. You can polish a turd but it’s still a turd and your husband is a turd.

Your poor mother watching her child be abused and then cut off because she won’t kiss his arse while waiting for your next distressed phone call.

great dad my arse.

He has you right where he wants you. Alone and blaming yourself for his bad behaviour.

And also yes of course you being in distress when pregnant can affect the baby.

This is so frustrating! Abuse is never a woman's fault but at some point you have to take responsibility as to what you are exposing your child to! And no matter how bad they always seem to be women that put a man over their children , really sad .

I remember your other thread and I feel so depressed reading this one. OP, I think you will seriously regret cutting off your mother.

She doesn’t even wish to say it was abuse, even though she knows, she uses the words could be seen as som form of abuse.

it’s stone cold abuse, no ifs or maybes about it,

Yes - it’s also a red flag when bad behaviour causes someone to cut contact with their own family. Do you honestly believe that your son is better off without your parents in his life because they were critical of a man that was abusing you when pregnant (even baby’s father) I think you have been hoodwinked y husband. I also suggest you get some professional help as you have clearly started to doubt your own ability to make decisions. I am not saying this is a harsh tone - please take it as direct but well meaning and do look to reconcile with your parents. They can not like husband, husband can not like them and everyone can be civil. You don’t have to choose between them

DH is the best Dad ever

Is he really though?

Since you gave up your job you rely on him for everything, so it would be pretty easy to convince yourself of this in order to make it work.

Abusive men are never 'the best dad ever', and 15 years on Mumsnet has taught me how low the bar is for 'fantastic dads'.

He knew the behaviour was harming you though. And kept doing it.

And you had sickness and were struggling. What men do when you are weak and sick is who they are. Any idiot can be nice when everything is good. What if you get cancer and you're in bed and sick? Or any challenge.

I had terrible sickness. My DH would sooner have done anything rather than shout at me. Anything. And he has a high stress, very important job.