To forgive DH for past behaviour?

[Fishfingersandwich8]

I posted some time ago, when I was pregnant and received responses that I should leave my DH. I was all set up to go but my DH begged me to stay. He said he would change and so I stayed as DS was about to be born. DH is the best Dad ever.

My mother was very critical of my DH (and me for staying with him) and I had to cut off contact with her for my own wellbeing. My DF was not involved in the fallout but I don’t see him either as he supports my mother’s view.

I have just discovered that my grandmother has been telling people that my DS is always ill - and it is being discussed that it is likely because of all the times DH shouted at me when I was pregnant - that stress hormones would somehow have crossed the placenta - or cortisol levels have weakened DS’s immune system. I have looked it up but it seems inconclusive - so I am right in thinking/hoping it cannot be too serious? Unfortunately, my grandmother knows DS has been unwell several times but only with colic and viruses - and was nearly hospitalised on two occasions. I feel very betrayed by my grandmother and regret telling her anything.

DS is my whole world. AIBU to forgive DH for his past behaviour?

How are things with him now? Are you glad you stayed?

Why are you with someone who verbally abuses you while pregnant?
Does he verbally abuse you now as well? That's extremely unhealthy for your child to witness or pick up on. Not physically necessarily but mentally and emotionally.

Your DH shouted at you throughout your pregnancy and is now the best dad ever?

That doesn't make a lot of sense to a lot of people.

Are you saying he no longer shouts at all?

Has he changed?
Are you happy
What is he like as a husband?

I think you're being extremely unreasonable to your son to stay, yes.

You can choose to stay in a relationship, or leave it, for any reason you like.

However your DS is now an innocent passenger in your relationships. If things haven't improved and he's witnessing you being abused, you have a duty as a mother to remove him to safety.

It's impossible to say without knowing how your relationship with your parents were before all of this. On the face of it, you have lost a lot of important people due to staying with a man who abused you when you were at your most vulnerable and carrying his baby. The people you have lost are people that your child now has also lost due to your DHs actions. People that your child one day could have formed vital and healthy relationships with. It's incredibly hard for children to grow up in abusive households, and the more people they have around them the better.

It is possible that your DH is a great dad, but that's not reliant on you being in a relationship with him.

Having skimmed your last thread I think it’s absolutely mental that you’ve cut contact with your mother. Not only did she pay for your IVF but she was very concerned about you and the baby, had an emergency fund for you to leave etc etc

You seem to think shouting and you being stressed would have harmed your baby, maybe it also caused them stress in the womb. Would that have cause illness after birth. I doubt it.

You’ve really isolated yourself!. Which is an abusive tactic by men like your DH. wtf did you mum actually do for you to cut contact?

I don't like the sound of it at all. You cut contact with people who were supporting you, that's a very worrying sign. I don't believe for a minute that it was for your own wellbeing.
Whether you should or shouldn't forgive your husband is frankly irrelevant. What you should do it reestablish contact with people who love you and stop blaming your immediate family for having perfectly normal discussions about yours and your son's health while you continue living with a person who abused you (and likely continues to do so). Once you have your support network back, you can consider if your husband is really a suitable partner for you.

This is a grandmother problem not a DH problem

It really isn’t. Read OPs previous thread.

I do understand that the abuse you have suffered has lowered your self esteem @Fishfingersandwich8 I really do. But you are a mother now and you are supposed to put your DC first.

This man is a monster. Do you still have a police alert on your address?

Exactly what @Catza said.

I have looked it up but it seems inconclusive

No one is going to randomly assign pregnant mums to high-stress pregnancies so the research will always be correlation, not causation. But the research there is says it isn't good.

Regardless, abusive men don't turn into non-abusive men overnight. They don't. And there is good research on that. However, they do sometimes stop shouting because women walk on eggshells.

Being yelled at whilst pregnant is not ok.

Your parents were using their life savings to get you out of the abuse you were facing. I can see why your Mum was very angry.

He is not a good man and you need to get out.

Oh dear, you've got your rose tinted glasses on here OP.

Your family were there to support you, and now you're punishing them.... and I would put money on your DH being behind it.

It's a classic tactic to isolate you, and it's working.

Is he the best dad ever or has he persuaded you that he is through negative and coercive behaviour?. In my experience leopards do not change their spots. Once an abusive moron, always an abusive moron.

Your mother paid for your IVF, was excited to be a grandparent, contacted the police for you about your abuser, and you cut her off?
Is the man still abusing you? Are you still scared he's going to hurt you? Hope you can get the divorce started and rid yourself of the abuser.

You've stayed with your abusive husband. And cut off your support network. You've played right into his hands. Please make up with your family. You're going to need them.

No job, no friends, no parents, now maybe no grandmother...

Who will be there when he decides to stop being Mr. Nice Guy?

You cut contact with your mum because she doesn't think a great deal of the man that has been abusing her child !!! How would you feel if someone was abusing your child? Well thats exactly how your mum feels.
You have chosen to stay with your abuser and that is entirely up to you but bear in mind by staying you are making your sure your baby will grow up in an abusive household.
You will need your family because very very soon that abusive bastard will start abusing you and your baby. Your mum will be your mum forever, your abuser won't be your husband forever. Think on.

sorry but the “best Dad ever” does not at any point shout at and abuse the mother of his child.

you have left yourself very isolated now cutting off your family. And denying your child grandparents. Not a smart move. And you’ll feel it when your abuser starts abusing again.

This. He’ll revert to type, they always do. You’ll need your family’s support op, please don’t cut them out.
ps no one who abuses their child’s mother is a good father, let alone best dad ever. This man is an abuser.