To forgive DH for past behaviour?

[Fishfingersandwich8]

I posted some time ago, when I was pregnant and received responses that I should leave my DH. I was all set up to go but my DH begged me to stay. He said he would change and so I stayed as DS was about to be born. DH is the best Dad ever.

My mother was very critical of my DH (and me for staying with him) and I had to cut off contact with her for my own wellbeing. My DF was not involved in the fallout but I don’t see him either as he supports my mother’s view.

I have just discovered that my grandmother has been telling people that my DS is always ill - and it is being discussed that it is likely because of all the times DH shouted at me when I was pregnant - that stress hormones would somehow have crossed the placenta - or cortisol levels have weakened DS’s immune system. I have looked it up but it seems inconclusive - so I am right in thinking/hoping it cannot be too serious? Unfortunately, my grandmother knows DS has been unwell several times but only with colic and viruses - and was nearly hospitalised on two occasions. I feel very betrayed by my grandmother and regret telling her anything.

DS is my whole world. AIBU to forgive DH for his past behaviour?

What about forgiving your mother for her past behaviour, which was done with your best interests at heart? Can you honestly say that your Dh's past behaviour was done with your best interests at heart? How is he worthy of forgiveness when she is not?

Firstly, I am not ignoring any comments - good and bad - and thank you to those who have shared their own stories. I am sorry if my replies are garbled as I am not sleeping at the moment.

My DS adores DH - it is clear for everyone to see - and DH regrets his past behaviour and says it will never happen again. In all honestly, without my mother telling everyone about him things probably would not have changed. It made him stop and think hard and he cut down his working hours. This has made a massive improvement to his mood and the short fuse he had is no longer there.

My mother left because she said she could not bear to stand by and watch any longer. Surely, if she felt so strongly she would have stayed to protect me/her DGS? She also said DH shouted at my DS which was not true. I cut her out of my life after that as I was scared that my DS would be taken away.

This new information about my grandmother telling people DH may have harmed my DS in some way has really shocked and saddened me. I know that if my DS gets ill, I will think back to that time even if it is not connected to his health condition.

If there was any harm to me I could probably forgive and forget - but it’s very different with my DS. Is that enough to uproot my DS’s life though? I believe my/our friends would not support me as they really do think DH is great - they are not just saying it for my benefit.

Why don't you and your husband make an appointment with your Dr, go together, and ask about your sons health and if his medical problems could have anything to do with the ongoing upset you suffered when you were pregnant.
Tell your Dr your husband was abusive and how it affected you.

Your husband has to take some responsibility; actions have consequences, and if his past actions are in any way responsible for your son's continuous bad health, you both have to know.

Once you have this information, you may be clearer in what your next steps should be.

Why don’t you believe that your H shouted at your DS? Why would your mum make it up?

she has done far less to you than he has and yet he’s the one you have forgiven and she’s the one you have cut off.

you even say that it was her telling everyone that got him to change - and yet she’s in the wrong?

you are in the thick of it OP. You can’t see the situation for what it is.

by the way it’s usual for children to adore people who don’t have their best interests at heart. You will be training your son to tolerate abuse, not put a foot wrong, walk on eggshells.

So you thought you could lose your ds is your mum stuck around? You mean a witness to possibly more abuse.

So you cut if someone wanting to protest your son and you. Mind boggling really.

Also with regards to her not being able to stand around and watch what do you expect? That she can forever stand there watching you be out down shouted at and everything else. Everyone has a snapping point. Just like your husband though rather than abuse you, your mum left in her snapping situation that one time.

You know how much energy it takes up watching someone you love be abused and watching them just potter on like it’s all ok and the abuser is the best thing since sliced bread.

without my mother telling everyone about him things probably would not have changed.

Surely, if she felt so strongly she would have stayed to protect me/her DGS?

She did protect you.

And I'm curious about this:

I believe my/our friends would not support me as they really do think DH is great - they are not just saying it for my benefit.

On your last thread you said you didn't have friends. Are these DH's friends? Where are yours? Start with mum's groups and support groups and did you go to antenatal groups? Make lots of fierce mum friends.

There’s a really good book on the effects of cortisol on unborn babies and young children - I read it when I was pregnant.

It’s lots of scientific research written up so ordinary people can understand it. Here’s a link: https://amzn.eu/d/0gBN07Wp

To summarise the book: yes cortisol (stress hormone) experienced by the mother can affect baby in the womb. But the book also talks about the positive impact of helping them feel safe and regulate emotions when they’re born. And of course loads of other things affect baby, too.

I had a breezy, planned pregnancy and the most calm, relaxed home environment. My baby came out colicky and didn’t stop screaming for 6 months - she is still high maintenance! My friend, who had an extremely stressful unplanned pregnancy, birthed a silent, smiling unicorn baby who is the easiest kid in the world. Make it make sense!

edited to remove inaccurate emphasis

Why on earth have you cut contact with your parents😱 I think that’s a pretty bad move and I would say it’s 99.9% probable your DH will revert back to his old ways.

Your main job now is to put the wellbeing and security of your son above everyone else.

You say “my/our friends”. Are they your friends or his?
Who will you go to if he starts shouting at you again or shouting at your child - those friends, or your mum?

I think if you really believed all you have written you would be truthful to your GP of the awful abuse you had from him during your pregnancy.
Thereby giving your GP a fuller picture of your well-being during pregnancy and how it might have affected the baby.

But you won't because your go to is to protect your abuser, even ahead of your own child.

The truth about this awful man is inconvenient to you.

I feel very sorry for your parents and grandmother who can see the truth.

You continue to be in denial.

Abusing your pregnant wife is so not the norm, in any circumstances.

But it is when abusers start, just like he did

That is the real him, not this mask you see today.

It sounds like you’re really deep into the abusive relationship. You can’t see that your mum and grandma are the only people who care about you and your son. Your husband is abusive and has successfully distanced you from your family - classic abuse tactic.

If you don’t leave whilst your son is very young, your son may become like his father - thinking that it’s fine to be abusive and angry towards women and learning that the women will stay no matter what.

My DD’s dad (my ex) sounds exactly like your husband. Men can’t keep the pretence forever. Abusive men like your husband NEVER change.

Wow. He's really done a number on you, hasn't he? Why on earth would you cut your mum off, who enabled you both to be parents, and along with your grandma did their very best, to get you out of a terrible situation. This, this is how you respond? Why wouldn't you believe your mum, when she said DH shouted, at your son? He quite readily shouted at you, whilst you were pregnant with him. Why are you completely, disregarding your mums concerns? Why do you think your mum, told your friends, about DH behaviour, I mean, she wasn't lying, was she? Is he scared your friends would finally see beyond the mask? For the sake of your son, please, keep the lines of communication with your parents open. Abusers behave in EXACTLY the way your DH is currently behaving. Slyly, and surreptitiously, alienating you, from your support network. It's insidious and before you know it, you'll be alone, and completely dependent on him. But you're different, aren't you, OP? This is textbook, coercive control. I hope you realise, sooner, rather than later, before your son learns this behaviour from his father is normal. I'm furious, and frightened for you.

Yes it really is enough to uproot your DS life.

3 things stand out.

1. Friends wouldn’t support you? I’m guessing they aren’t your friends but joint friends or wives of his friends. Your friends, your sisterhood would move you out and away from him. Mine rallied round. I lost contact with the others as they had been conned by him too.
2. My son appeared to adore his Dad. He was learning from me to fawn (people please) It’s a survival strategy. Both of my teen sons now recognise with the space and clarity that it felt unsafe to be anything but adoring to keep him happy.

3.You say that it took your Mum to point it out for him to stop. Same with my EXH.

The abuse shouldn’t have happened in the first place. A good and decent man would never dream of raising their voice or being hostile to a woman pregnant or not. Sure he’s full of remorse. Mine was too and adored me again like yours.
He also reduced work stress and seemed much calmer. This was a
red herring and I felt sorry for him and so grateful that he provided for us.

He was a different man.

Until it was safe for him to drop the pretence. By then I really was embarrassed to tell people and so isolated and confused. I’d also become agitated and anxious and easily angered so wasn’t perfect and could be seen as feisty.

He dysregulated my nervous system so much that it flipped between fight, flight (stay silent), freeze (pretend it’s not happening) and fawn (people please)

Mu sons watched this and learnt from the best.

Your posts resonate enormously.
I’ll repeat what I’ve already said. Don’t lose your relationship with the people who have only ever had your back.

Your poor mum was looking out for you and you’ve cut off her, but forgiven your abusive DH.

My mother left because she said she could not bear to stand by and watch any longer. Surely, if she felt so strongly she would have stayed to protect me/her DGS?

How dare you talk about her like that. What more can she do when you weren't prepared to listen to her? Awful comment.