To forgive DH for past behaviour?

[Fishfingersandwich8]

I posted some time ago, when I was pregnant and received responses that I should leave my DH. I was all set up to go but my DH begged me to stay. He said he would change and so I stayed as DS was about to be born. DH is the best Dad ever.

My mother was very critical of my DH (and me for staying with him) and I had to cut off contact with her for my own wellbeing. My DF was not involved in the fallout but I don’t see him either as he supports my mother’s view.

I have just discovered that my grandmother has been telling people that my DS is always ill - and it is being discussed that it is likely because of all the times DH shouted at me when I was pregnant - that stress hormones would somehow have crossed the placenta - or cortisol levels have weakened DS’s immune system. I have looked it up but it seems inconclusive - so I am right in thinking/hoping it cannot be too serious? Unfortunately, my grandmother knows DS has been unwell several times but only with colic and viruses - and was nearly hospitalised on two occasions. I feel very betrayed by my grandmother and regret telling her anything.

DS is my whole world. AIBU to forgive DH for his past behaviour?

Your husband is absolutely disgusting and I wouldn’t have treated my worst enemy the way he treated you. I don’t believe for one minute that he’s reformed, he’s just trying on a new mask for size. He’s letting you bed in long enough without your mum around until he KNOWS you’re too far gone and won’t go back to her, then he’ll get back to being outright abusive. Not that it’s massively relevant that he’s right now, this second, not being awful. What he did to you makes him scum, he should be rotting in a cell, I don’t believe you can go from being that despicable, to being lovely. He’s an animal. If your friends are too scared to say it, I will. Your husband is an evil cunt and you have been manipulated into thinking it’s your mum who’s the villain in this story. Get the fuck out before your child becomes another one of your husband’s victims.

I have read the previous thread now.

My heart goes out to your mum, dad, grandma, they must be so worried for you.
You should have either followed your mums advice, or kept her out of your problems, she has been treated so badly.

Your previous thread described a lot more than your husband shouting at you whilst pregnant, your mum was so worried she informed the police, and you said yourself you were nervous your husband would hurt you.

He is 40, no man, especially a mature man should be so overwhelmed by a pregnant wife he makes her feel 'disgusting', he should have made you feel beautiful and protected.

In all honesty, I cant see how someone who comes across so cruel, can now be kind, are you sure you are not seeing what you want to see for the sake of keeping your family together?

Only you can answer that,

It’s not your mother who has let you down.
You are making some really bad choices.

I think it possibly would help you to separate the two things out.

You feel that your mum betrayed your trust. That’s a legitimate point and I can see how you may have got to that point (though I don’t agree with it). But your husband’s abusive behaviour is a far bigger and more important issue.

I think you can still be upset with your mum for her handling of the situation but for the love of God don’t throw your family, your networks and security away for this man. Abusers thrive on trying to separate their targets from independent people who can see through them. You will need your family when the shit hits the fan and you were very rash to burn bridges with them.

You have chosen to remain with this abusive man for reasons best known to yourself and that happens. It can take people a while to get ready to leave. But please for your child’s sake make sure you keep lines of communication open with family.

I'm so sorry to hear everything you went through. Hearing your story and that of OP genuinely made me tear up as I went through the same with my ex/father of my kids. He was awful to me throughout my first pregnancy but I was dependent on staying with him to avoid an otherwise even worse situation (what I was made to believe, by him, was the only other option at the time).

I had my son he was ok for a few months. Tried to leave but ended up going back after a few days cos I was struggling with PPD, only made worse by him. Fell pregnant with my second child when my son turned 1, and my ex gave me the silent treatment for over 3 months and left me alone to look after our son during those horrible first months of pregnancy. It just got worse and worse to lengths some people wouldn't believe until I eventually had to get the police to arrest him.

Awful, awful situation and as you say the harrowing impact it has on the children is something I still struggle to live with myself for and forgive myself for putting them through. I've not even scratched the surface on the damage that he did to me, and how horrific it is to process and move on from in terms of healing. That's why it makes me so mad and upset to read posts like this. I just want to find where they live and move them in with me instead and batter their vile partners. I just can't bear the thought of others going through it.

Sorry for rambling but it's good to get off the chest. I hope you find peace, it's such a long process and one I think ill be going through forever really. Sending love ❤️

Of course he's "remorseful", abusers always are! He's managed to isolate you from your parents, and grandma. How long will he be "the best dad ever" for? Until baby cries for too long, or becomes too clingy to you, diverting your attention.... You've really been brainwashed by this man. If nothing else please keep the lines of communication open, with your family, because believe me, OP, you'll need them in the not too distant future. Wake up. For the sake of your child, who's helpless, and innocent in all this.

Oh sweetheart Im sorry you were subjected to this. Sending you a huge hug xx

Your mother did the right thing.
Your friends are either dim or are actually playing the long game and staying close to you.

It's so seriously messed up to believe the abuse you endured is anything other that absolutely shocking.

In your mothers position i would have done the exact same.

You are sadly spectacularly naive.

When you truly love your child, you would do anything to protect them.
Your mother loves her child which is you, and why she did this.

You aren't mature enough to understand that love.

Would you like your child treated as you were?
Hopefully you will grow up and mature some day, for yourself and that poor baby.

Your poor mother loves you dearly.
God help her and the stress this must be putting her under.

He "supported you keeping in touch with your mum" oh what a prince. For Gods sake, please read, and re read your posts, and take the fricking blinkers off!

That's so sweet of you ❤️ thank you xx

Lots of people get shouted at every day in their job while pregnant, or they have older children with needs who are abusive to them and cause stress during later pregnancies. Equally, some ill children had a mum who had a completely stress free pregnancy. It's obviously not good if he used to shout at you a lot, but you say he's a brilliant dad, so no, you shouldn't break up your marriage, and your family need to be supportive or not talk about you behind your back.

This, absolutely.

Never dismiss your parents and grandparents when they've always been on your side up to now.

Your abusive husband is working to cut you off. You'll be so much more vulnerable then. Wise up.

Deluded response. In previous threads, OP posted about constant verbal abuse, not being shouted at, occasionally. Her parents were concerned enough, to speak to the police. He's "the best dad ever" now, but until when? Baby cries too much, or starts diverting OPs attention, from DH? DH is surreptitiously, slyly, isolating OP, from her support network. Her mum spoke to her friends, because she was worried she was being edged out. This is a recipe for disaster. Mainly for the poor, innocent baby stuck in this situation, because OP is too naive, to see sense.

Absolutely this. It's frightening.

Thank you for your comments. You have given me a lot to think about.

OP, you seem determined to pretty much ignore what most people here are saying. I urge you to go back and read your previous thread - perhaps it will make you realise why we are so concerned for you.

The fact that you have posted on here about whether you should forgive your H speaks volumes, even if you perhaps can’t hear it yet.

This is dangerously bad advice. OP please ignore this post.

@worldshottestmom
Im so, so sorry you and your children endured what you did. Our exes sound cut from the same cloth. I remember the feeling of hopelessness and isolation so well sadly. It’s a long road to recovery isn’t it?
I really appreciate you reaching out. It means a lot. I wish you the love, luck and happiness you always deserved.

OP There are so many women on here who have given you their thoughts and very honest advice and opinions at the cost of reliving their own serious trauma. You owe none of us anything at all. We have all been where you are.

But please for the love of god if you can’t see what this man is right now, please don’t harshly judge or lose contact with your Mum.
Some mothers are terrible and abusive for sure but when you’ve got good one who’ll move heaven and earth to protect you (even taking desperate measures as yours has done) you are blessed

No he hasn't. You are now cut off from your family and blaming them even though the rift was caused by his behavior. That's a classic abusive move.

I’m very worried that you have a partner with a history of abuse and are becoming increasingly isolated from your family.

I think you need to prioritise rebuilding those relationships however you can.

Years ago posting on another forum gave me the insight needed to leave an abusive relationship. It took a lot of effort and courage. I hope op continues to post snd reflect and seek help.

I also think that OP when you’re thinking about your relationship with your mum, imagine your child is older. Imagine they are living with someone who they are worried might hurt or even kill them. Imagine your options are to keep your child’s secret to their grave, or risk destroying your relationship to keep them safe and making sure they have people looking out for them.

What would you choose for your child? Would you keep their secret if it meant sacrificing their safety?

Sounds like a typical domestic abuse situation. Decide to stay, the contact with family who disagree and express concern.
what a shame for your son.

Same here. I’m really glad it worked out for you. It does take courage when you’re your most scared. I hope you now have a happy and safe life 🥰

Can you give some examples as to how your husband is “the best dad ever” please? And how old is your son now? How does your husband feel about your family? Does he have anything to say about them?

I don’t think your grandmother has betrayed you, or at least I don’t think she meant to. Sounds like she’s worried about you and is talking about you because she is worried.

Speaking from experience, your husband’s “best dad ever” era won’t last. He might flip it off like a light switch. Some do. Often though, it’s more gradual than that. But one day you will realise what a huge mistake it was to stay with him. It’s not just you anymore. It’s your child. Children are victims of domestic abuse “just” by witnessing it. But what happens when your child is in the direct firing line of his father’s abusive behaviour?