TW Pregnancy after issues and husband concerns

[Fishfingersandwich8]

Can I please have some views on this situation as I am unsure if I am over sensitive and need to toughen up a bit.

I met DH online and we married 12 months later. We have now been together nearly 4 years (I am 34- he is 40).

I don’t work (mutual choice) and DH is on a very high 6 figure salary with lots of work related stress. I’m pregnant through IVF after several miscarriages. It’s been a tense time and I’m very anxious and have felt unable to let him help me with hormone injections etc because he is so angry with me all the time - I am nervous he will hurt me.

He often shouts and I worry this cannot be good for our baby (can babies actually hear and are harmed by shouting or is it just an old wives tale?). I am also unwell with morning, afternoon and evening sickness which makes attending social events difficult. He says the pregnancies are awful and ruining his life and we should be enjoying this time pre baby but cannot.

At one point he said he wanted to give up on the IVF but wouldn’t consider adoption or donors. I was distraught and he relented when my mum paid for this round from her savings. She knows how much having a baby means to me and feels I can do it alone if necessary.

I think DH feels I am a bit pathetic and I could do more. We have a cleaner and order in food a lot (nice quality restaurant food) as I can’t stomach the smell and want to vomit if I try to cook. I know I must come across as weak and I feel very lucky not to have to hold down a full time job etc.

Whenever DH is angry with me, he blocks my phone so I cannot WhatsApp him which worries me if I miscarry again. I did have a horrible scare recently where our baby was not moving and I went to hospital on my own. They asked if anyone was with me but I don’t have many close friends (and those I do have know nothing about all this) and my mum lives several hours away. She would have come straight away if she could and was very distressed for me when I called her from the taxi. I have asked her if she can be on standby in the hospital if I need her when I give birth - in case I am blocked again and she will happily stay in the area at least a week before my planned caesarean and be on call. Thankfully our baby is doing well although I now have GD after being so careful with everything I eat and drink.

I know a lot of couples go through hell with IVF (I feel so sorry for you as I had no idea previously how difficult it can be) but I question if his behaviour goes beyond this. I do try to talk to him but it makes him even angrier and then I get the silent treatment for lengthy periods.

I am really hoping that when our baby is born he will be happy and excited and we can start afresh.

I have thought a long time before posting and am braced for just about every reaction.

I'm so sorry you are in this awful situation. He is abusive, keeping your phone, speaking to you badly, shouting, being angry with you and you are scared he will hurt you. Suggesting you don't work so you are solely dependent on him.

I think this will only get worse when the baby arrives with noise, sleepless nights, mess and you focusing solely on the baby. I don't mean to scare you but think you are in a very dangerous position. Would you consider going to stay with your mother?

It's very easy not to spot abuse when you are in the situation and it is gradual..

I would also recommend you contact Womens Aid

I’m so sorry you’re going through this in what should be an exciting and happy time.

It is absolutely not normal, and in honesty reading your post had me quite worried for you as sadly pregnancy/once you’ve had children is when abusers tend to ramp up their behaviour.

As lovely as they are, babies throw an absolute grenade into even the most solid of relationships, especially in the early days so I sadly can’t see your husband’s behaviour improving once you throw in the sleepless nights and everything else.

If it weren’t for your comment about being nervous he’ll hurt you I’d say it might be worth seeing if he’ll seek help for his anger issues, but honestly if you’re already afraid he’ll hurt you I’d 100% get out before the baby arrives.

OP now is the best time to leave before the baby is here, if you are well enough get a job to support yourself. It will 100% get worse once the baby is here and you can’t be a good mother if you bring your child up in an abusive environment like that. Can you tell your mum what’s going on?

Thank you for your replies. @ToKittyornottoKitty unfortunately I am feeling really unwell and anxious to protect my baby to full-term so don’t think I’d make a good employee at the moment - plus my bump is very obvious!

I take onboard all the comments so far but hope there will be some replies from women or men who have been through this harrowing experience - and come out the other side with their relationship intact.

The best thing you can do to protect your baby, and yourself, is to get out of this abusive and dangerous relationship. I don't think you understand just how much worse he will get once the baby is born and you are both potentially in danger.

you will be entitled to benefits. Look at entitledto.co.uk as a single parent. Please also speak with Women's aid - they will be able to find you emergency accommodation.

Do not bring your baby into this mess.

Go and live with your mother if possible.

Your husband is an abusive arse.

What do you mean when you say you hope to read comments from people who've "been through this harrowing mess"? Which aspect of that situation, in your view, is the mess that you're referring to - IVF and infertility, a DH with anger issues, or a combination of both?

IVF is very common. I've recently had my IVF baby. At no point during the process or pregnancy did my DH do any of the things you describe in your relationship. These are not normal reactions to the stress of infertility. I'm not going to lie and say it was a breeze - prior to IVF, we were definitely quite unhappy and under strain, which I think was a product of sadness that we weren't conceiving. But at no point were we angry towards each other, was I frightened he would hurt me, or did I get blocked or isolated by him. The pregnancy, when it finally happened, was a happy time. Now our baby is here, we are exhausted but working as a team.

I don't think you're likely to get any positive responses from people who would admit their DH treated them as yours is doing during IVF, and that it was all hunky dory the minute the baby arrived. As PPs have said, you are being abused and controlled. This is not a safe environment for your or your baby. You've been persuaded to stop working ("mutual agreement" is all well and good, but I'm willing to bet it was his idea you gave up work?) and you don't have any friends you're able to confide in. Both suggest he's isolated you from things which would otherwise give you autonomy, leaving you financially and socially dependent on him. He punishes you for perceived slights by becoming uncontactable, leaving you distressed (this is emotional and psychological abuse). You didn't trust him to help with hormone injections, suggesting a fear he would physically hurt you. Read all of this back. If another woman told you her DH was doing all of those things, what would you advise her to do?

I don't know what your partner was like before pregnancy, but often abuse doesn't start until pregnancy as this is when the woman is at her most vulnerable and easy to control. You must must get out of this situation. I think you're potentially in a very dangerous position. I'm not trying to frighten you, but a recent review into domestic homicide in the UK found that over half of victims were being emotionally abused/coercively controlled prior to the murder, suggesting it's a bigger risk factor in terms of escalating to a fatality than physical abuse is. And it's not just your safety you need to consider, you need to protect your child too.

@ItsNotLupus Thank you very much for replying and I am so pleased you have your IVF baby - congratulations.

I am trying to see his side - a stressful job and coming home to a miserable wife who feels too unwell to do anything. I really don’t like being like this but it’s so draining and then I know I should get some perspective because lots of woman go through constant sickness and still have to work (how I don’t know).

I hated my job to be honest so was glad to give it up and then it seemed liked loads of appointments for IVF - which again, I feel really lucky as I’ve had jobs where it’s been hard to take time off.

I feel like we are going through so much to have our baby - to give up on our relationship would be a real failure. Isn’t marriage supposed to be for better or worse?

If DH put our baby at risk that would be it. I really do take notice of what you say regarding coercion/murder because many years ago my mum worked for someone who did just that (awful case) and she is very mindful and keeps telling me this isn’t right. She loathes my DH as I sure it must come across.

Lots to consider - thank you again.

and I’m very anxious and have felt unable to let him help me with hormone injections etc because he is so angry with me all the time - I am nervous he will hurt me.

This is absolutely harrowing. This man is an abusive monster.

What happens when he shouts at you is he is also shouting at your baby inside you. You wouldn't be able to trust him to look after your DC alone when the baby is born. You have to protect your unborn DC from him. Because once born he won't suddenly snap out of it - you'll need even more support afterwards not less - and the stressful job will still be there plus a non sleeping crying newborn. It's a total pressure cooker once a baby arrives.

Please consider leaving him now before things deteriorate further.

No - it’s not suppose to work for ‘better or worse’ when it’s abusive. Abusive relationships don’t get better once a baby is added in, and IVF is awful and causes a lot of strain but it doesn’t cause this behaviour in people, this behaviour is a result of him being who he is. It is not your fault, or IVFs fault, just like it won’t be the baby’s fault when he’s screaming about them not sleeping or you not having energy for him. And he’s not coming home to a miserable wife who can’t do anything, hes coming home to the woman he loves who is growing his baby for him and has put her body through a LOT to do it. You need to see your own value here and be realistic about his behaviour, you deserve better and so does your baby.

'If DH put our baby at risk that would be it'

Well he already is putting the baby at risk isn't he - taking your phone when you need to go to hospital to get the baby checked out. He clearly does not care about you or your child. only you can look after your baby and yourself. No decent husband or father would do that.

I think what people are saying is that you might not have the opportunity to take stock, think about what he has done and then leave. Things can happen very quickly. Most people who are murdered by their partners or whose partners kill their children probably aren't expecting it, despite ongoing abuse.

Leaving is not failure. It is protecting you and your child. It does seem that you have no intention of leaving and are happy to continue putting up with this horrendous abuse. you think it will all be wonderful when the baby arrives. trust people when they say it is going to get much much worse.

you have few replies, If you post in AIBU you will get many more replies for you to consider

he is so angry with me all the time
I am nervous he will hurt me.
He often shouts
DH is angry with me,
he blocks my phone
I do try to talk to him but it makes him even angrier
I get the silent treatment for lengthy periods.
this harrowing experience

read what you have written. what would you advise your friend/sister/daughter to do in such a relationship

I married my husband after 12 months and on reflection I didn't know him at all. I was pregnant with twins when we got married and I felt awful for the first 20 weeks of pregnancy. He was vile to me, totally uncaring and unsupportive and mainly put out that I was ill in bed and unable to focus all my attention on him. My whole pregnancy was spent dealing with him and his moods and horrible behaviour, he blamed this on me and my hormones. I just wanted us to be a family so I hoped that once the twins arrived things would settle down and we would be a happy family. I had an emergency c section and was in hospital for a few days, this was during covid so no visitors apart from him, I couldnt wait to get home. He drove us home like a lunatic which was incredibly painful for me then promptly fell asleep and refused to walk to the shop over the road to buy me paracetamol as the hospital hadn't discharged me with any and my section was earlier than planned so I hadn't had time to get organised, my 12 Yr old daughter offered to go but obviously they wouldn't sell them to her. When the twins woke up for a feed he got up and went into the spare room to sleep, left me to feed and change them on my own after major surgery and 4 nights of no sleep. The next time they woke I called him to help me as I could t get downstairs to make up bottles for them and he totally lost it, screamed at me that they should be asleep and he couldn't cope with the crying and slammed the bottles down on the bedside table. He did pick up one of the twins to feed him then flopped him down on the bed and used his hand to wipe some milk away from his mouth when there were muslins right next to him, my babies were a month premature and weighed 5lbs, he is 6ft 2 and works outdoors with hands like shovels. I was horrified and shocked and told him to leave. I divorced him and he doesn't see my children, they are now 4 years old. I thought like you that it would get better and that marriage is for life etc, I was wrong. My advice would be start planning on how to support yourself and move out and be prepared to bring your baby up on your own. Don't be trapped with an awful, angry man. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and take care of yourself.

Oh my god this has hurt to read. You poor, poor woman. I’m so glad you got that monster away from your tiny babies, and fro you and your daughter.

You don't "come through" being in an abusive relationship. You leave, or you stay in it and continue being abused.

He is an abuser. He is abusing you. It will only get worse after the baby is born, and they will be damaged by him, emotionally and probably physically too.

Thank you ♥️ throwing him out was the best thing I did! At the time it was awful but 4 years on we are all happy and healthy. I recently heard his latest girlfriend has moved out due to domestic abuse. Abusers don't change.

They do not. And it is absolutely chilling that it often begins when a woman is pregnant and at her most vulnerable. These men are wired wrong.

I agree. It's because they think you are trapped and won't leave. I was very lucky that I owned my home and was able to throw him out, if the house had been jointly owned it would have been a very different story. Even when it happened I didn't realise it was domestic abuse, it was only when the midwife started questioning me as my twins went back into hospital with jaundice and I was on my own and incredibly upset that I realised it was domestic abuse. She was wonderful and completed a questionnaire with me and said you do realise this was abuse and made a referral to the police as he had a shotgun licence. I had to put my house up for sale as he lived on the same road and moved when the twins were 5 months old. Looking back I don't know how I did it! I hope the OP has an easier time of things.

WHY is he angry with you all the time? Does he not know about stress and pregnancy? Did he think it would be a walk in the park?

for ‘better or worse’ refers to circumstances OUTSIDE the marriage.
It doesn't mean you put up with abuse from the spouse.

I confided in my Mum that H had humiliated me and made me feel disgusting. I was having to use pessaries to try to keep our baby in and he thought some had dropped on the carpet and made a tiny mark. I don’t think it was that as I really try to be clean and careful. He started shouting at me and rubbing at the carpet furiously to clean it. I felt like I wanted to die (I was really low at this point).

My parents are using their lifesavings as a temporary measure to get a place for me to escape to. I can live with them but they think as their house is several hundred miles away I would be isolated and tempted back to where my usual life is - friends etc. My Mum is so excited to be a granny she will stay with me to help with my baby as often as I want her to.

Thank you for your comments which made me realise his behaviour was not ok. The constant sickness has subsided and I feel more like me again.

I'm glad to hear you can see his behaviour is totally abhorrent and you have support around you. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and enjoy your baby xx

That's brilliant, that your parents are helping you out. And how wise they are!