To forgive DH for past behaviour?

[Fishfingersandwich8]

I posted some time ago, when I was pregnant and received responses that I should leave my DH. I was all set up to go but my DH begged me to stay. He said he would change and so I stayed as DS was about to be born. DH is the best Dad ever.

My mother was very critical of my DH (and me for staying with him) and I had to cut off contact with her for my own wellbeing. My DF was not involved in the fallout but I don’t see him either as he supports my mother’s view.

I have just discovered that my grandmother has been telling people that my DS is always ill - and it is being discussed that it is likely because of all the times DH shouted at me when I was pregnant - that stress hormones would somehow have crossed the placenta - or cortisol levels have weakened DS’s immune system. I have looked it up but it seems inconclusive - so I am right in thinking/hoping it cannot be too serious? Unfortunately, my grandmother knows DS has been unwell several times but only with colic and viruses - and was nearly hospitalised on two occasions. I feel very betrayed by my grandmother and regret telling her anything.

DS is my whole world. AIBU to forgive DH for his past behaviour?

Also why did you have to cut her off?

Think about that question properly.

Because she can hate your husband but have a separate relationship with you and your son. She can be cordial and polite without having to gush about him. As long as she wasn’t bad mouthing him to your child and if you asked her to not talk about him either to you, there could have been a relationship still.

So what did she do that was actually so bad she needed cutting off after being your biggest cheerleader?

Or by any chance was someone in your ear and I don’t mean necessarily in an obvious you must cut off your mum way, if you believe I’ve changed you wouldn’t want her negativity about me. If you loved me and want this to work you won’t talk to her.

I mean in a subtle it’s a shame your mum doesn’t like me way. It’s a sad she doesn’t believe I’ve changed kinda way. I really wish she loved me like a son. A slow burn of him just making little comments till you end up in a yes your right she either supports us both fully or fucks off entirely situation.

Dear OP,

I can feel your distress from here.

The other responses are likely to be unsettling for you. But it is a fact that 'in utero abuse is a thing' and yes your baby could have been negatively affected by you being abused. Your baby relies on you, so you need to be all good for him. If your husband used to shout at you etc, then he is harming you and the baby.

You are upset that your grandmother, with all her years of experience watching things like this play out, is making out that he is a bad guy and in staying with him, you are causing harm to your little one. Stomach upsets from stress etc.

I think you would do well to let that thought in, that maybe he is not a good dad and maybe you are going to have to run away someday.

Have a think about what you'd need in an emergency bag and if he ever scares you, pack one and use it.

I was a DV advisor for a long time and these things do settle down and life goes back to normal, but mostly they come back because they form a pattern of behaviour that has not been interrupted in any meaningful way .....and then a woman needs a bolt hole prepared and ready, and an understanding that sometimes the best thing to do is just pick up that bag and get out the door, no matter the time of day. Have a think about where you could go if that happened.

It is now your responsibility to make sure that baby doesn't hear ANY screaming from his father. Which of his parents, you or your partner, are going to ensure that, is what we will have to see...

Come on op. You can't have it both ways. You obviously involved your paarents in your marriage when your dh was abusive. You can't just expect your mother to forgive and forget. So you cut her out as you don't want to hear the truth

She told two friends about DH - said it was so they would look out for me as she felt she was being eased out. She knows I am private and would hate that but she did it anyway. DH had said he would support me seeing her and it was entirely my choice. I made the decision not to.

You made the decision not to, after you took her money for your last round of IVF and then cut her out because she's worried about your abusive husband abusing you and the baby she helped you to have?

I genuinely hope this isn't real.

Wise words

where you easing her out?

She was wrong to break your confidence but I can see why she did it. Can’t you?

Look at your little boy and imagine him in your situation ringing you frantically on the way to the hospital for a reason. His wife once again shouted at him sworn at him and blocked his number knowing he was already having medical concerns.

Plus, ask yourself this.

If Mr wonderful is such a wonderful father and husband, why on earth are you asking MN if you should forgive his past behaviour?

You're clearly still very worried.

I feel sorry for your poor mum. She’s done nothing wrong. She must be besides herself.

Sorry OP but it sounds like he's manipulated the situation to isolate you from your loving caring mum. Abusive men do this. They never really change. I'd rebuild with your mum especially as you are vulnerable having recently had your baby. A very sad situation caused by an emotionally abusive man.

Your mum was clearly concerned for you (and you’d clearly shared what was going on with her) so she did what she thought was right for the daughter she loves.
And you cut her off? Never mind the fact that she paid for your IVF!

I feel very sorry for your parents. I’d be extending an olive branch and asking them for their forgiveness going forward. They’ve shown only care and concern for you and I hope it’s not too late to acknowledge this.

Should you forgive your H? I am of the school that thinks leopards seldom change their spots but only you can make that decision. I worry for you that his past behaviour outdoors well be repeated - the way he treated you was appalling. You being sick in bed during your pregnancy wasn’t bad behaviour on your part but his response absolutely was.

I encourage you to consider rebuilding those family bridges. You might need their support in the future, and even if you don’t, you will all benefit from having healthy relationships with each other.

I can see how that must feel like a betrayal but it sounds like she was so worried about the situation that she felt other people needed to know.
You were pregnant and vulnerable and your mum knew you were pulling back. I don’t blame her tbh.

Your grandmother shouldn’t be gossiping about you but you being more worried about this than the impact your husbands abusive behaviour might have had on you and your child and the future risks.
I’d be worried he’s on his best behaviour but another crisis could see him returning to his awful behaviour.

For those of us who walked into this movie late, what was it you forgave him for?

So you allow your husband to be abusive to you and slick by him but cut your own parents out of your life for looking out for you? If you had a family member you were extremely worried about how would you feel if they court you off for talking about the situation to a few friends. That’s what people do - talk and get advice from others. By your own admission he was behaving in a way that could be perceived as abusive but you expected your mum to keep quiet and not talk about it. You really are being very difficult

Wow this is a shocker! What has he done to your brain? Your poor mum!

He is a complete horror of a man.
What he did to you during your pregnancy was absolutely dreadful.
Of course it impacted your baby.

Your parents and grandmother are 100% correct to tell people of his abuse.
Hopefully they will also tell Social Services.
Someone needs to protect that poor baby and put it first.

One parent is an abuser and the other is putting her abuser first, ahead of her baby.

You are angry with your family for telling the truth.

Abuse thrives in secrecy.
You have cut them all off.
You have previously been abused by your husband.

They are rightly worried about your babys safety.
He wouldn't pay for IVF, so your mother did.
This is how you thank her?
Could he be more abusive?

And you have chosen to put you and your baby at risk.

Of course your family are terrified for you and your lack of judgement and not putting that poor baby first.

Your baby deserves so much better than this.
Neither of you are putting the baby first.

I haven't read your other threads only this one. So this is the one I am replying to.
I think asking women on this forum whether you made the right decision to stay with a man who previously abused you...is only going to go one way.

Personally, I think you should mend bridges with your mum and dad, I bet they are broken hearted you have cut contact with them....that would be my advice.

You say your husband is now a changed man, a good dad, and he is kind to you. You dont mention love, but if you are happy, you don't believe he is manipulating you, and you can count on his support when/if you build back your relationship with your mum and dad, I don't see any reason to leave him now.

@something2say

I never felt scared - just anxious and sad and wishing it could be how we were at the start of our relationship.

He really isn’t like he was during the pregnancy and he knows I will leave if it started again.

I do worry a lot about my DS - and this new story about DH is going around when any impact may not even be true. Most posters seem to say that it won’t have had an impact on DS.

I don’t want to ask my doctor about it - so I came on here for different views.

He doesn't know that. Because you've shown him its not true already

Alright love. But it's a risk because he gave you something to be anxious and scared right?

And although the feedback is tough, it's only because we have been through this ourselves, and we know how the desperate hope for everything to be alright sometimes isn't how it ends up being...

There is a graph about the impact abuse has on the growing baby and all sorts of things are on there, not least of all the fact that the mum can't relax and has to worry.

Keep everyone posted tho, don't shut us out xxx

Please reconnect with your parents. It sounds like they were relieved when you wanted to leave the abusive man and were frustrated/worried when you got back with him. He’s isolated you from your family by forcing you to pick him.

Men like your boyfriend NEVER change. They pretend for a while but never change.

i really would talk this over with your Dr, he will be able to give you the right advice concerning your son, and it will put your mind at rest, which is obviously important.

You should not feel ashamed talking about your fears and worries over with the Dr, you have done nothing wrong.

She was right to tell your friends. You are incredibly vulnerable - proven by the fact you rushed into a relationship, marriage and a baby and have stayed with an abuser. Your friends needed to know. You will need people around you when his abuse starts again because you don’t have the self esteem to leave him, so you need people.

The "best dad ever" does NOT shout at his wife, during pregnancy. Leopards don't change their spots, where this behaviour is concerned, and I think your mum is right to be concerned. Your child, and his safety, should be your prime focus. I cannot believe you cut contact with your mum, (probably at the behest of DH), the person who funded your ivf, and helped you get to safety. I hope you see sense, sooner rather than later, for the sake of your son.

What is it about threads like this, with men who have abused pregnant vulnerable women, but are then described as "the best dad ever"?

My husband has never ever abused me in any way and I wouldn't dream of describing thus.

Abusive men are never ever the best dad ever, or anything ever remotely near it.

By not telling you GP the truth, you are putting him ahead of your baby.