To forgive DH for past behaviour?

[Fishfingersandwich8]

I posted some time ago, when I was pregnant and received responses that I should leave my DH. I was all set up to go but my DH begged me to stay. He said he would change and so I stayed as DS was about to be born. DH is the best Dad ever.

My mother was very critical of my DH (and me for staying with him) and I had to cut off contact with her for my own wellbeing. My DF was not involved in the fallout but I don’t see him either as he supports my mother’s view.

I have just discovered that my grandmother has been telling people that my DS is always ill - and it is being discussed that it is likely because of all the times DH shouted at me when I was pregnant - that stress hormones would somehow have crossed the placenta - or cortisol levels have weakened DS’s immune system. I have looked it up but it seems inconclusive - so I am right in thinking/hoping it cannot be too serious? Unfortunately, my grandmother knows DS has been unwell several times but only with colic and viruses - and was nearly hospitalised on two occasions. I feel very betrayed by my grandmother and regret telling her anything.

DS is my whole world. AIBU to forgive DH for his past behaviour?

Op I really feel for your mother. Imagine, years down the line, having to watch someone abuse your child, trying to help and then your child cutting you off for caring.

You are playing into your husbands hands, he is isolating not only you but your child.

Re read your own previous thread and ask yourself how you would feel if you were your mother. A Leopard, rarely, if ever, changes his spots. Please for your wellbeing and that of your child, wake up. Make it up with your mum and leave your husband. He is the problem, not your family.

This is a potentially dangerous comment to leave, making the victim believe her abuser is not a problem.

Oh you silly woman

Well what was his "past behaviour" other than shouting at you?

Your poor, poor mum @Fishfingersandwich8

Can you really not see?

You're so gaslit - it's frustrating to read.

@Fishfingersandwich8 it depends if H has completely changed his ways and is now a kind, loving partner to you. If he is then you are not unreasonable to have tried again.

As for your grandmother, children get sick and she can’t link any of this to what has happened previously so she shouldn’t be saying such hurtful things. I would suggest you tell her very little from now on as she’s determined to twist things to agree with your mother.

If however, you are in an abusive relationship no matter how good of a dad he is, please leave him and rejoin your family.

So you confided in your mum about the abuse, you got back with your abuser and now your mum is being punished because she won’t kiss his abusing arse?

You’ll regret doing that.

Your DH earns ‘a very high six figure salary’ but your mum had to pay for the last IVF (out of her savings) that was successful, when your husband wanted to give up IVF and wouldn’t consider adoption or donors

There were many other issues that people can look for in your previous post.

So how is he now as a husband to you?

I can understand your parents being very upset that you decided to stay with an abusive man, even for your reasons.

Of course, IMO, a very stressful pregnancy where a pregnant woman is being abused and distressed, it would cause in utero trauma.

I think that is now well known and accepted by many.

You have decided to isolate yourself from your family, or did your husband encourage you to cut them all off?

That is an abusers usual thing, to isolate their victim.

Forget about your grandmother and her very legitimate concerns, and think about your baby.

I don't believe abusive men change.
Once an abuser of a vulnerable woman, always an abuser.

Do not get pregnant again whatever you do.
Don't inflict him on another child.

Sounds like you've cut the wrong person out of your life.

Jesus, your poor mother. She must be going out of her mind with worry. She’s more concerned about the safety of your baby than you are.

100%

is this the way you want your son to think his mum should be treated and spoken too.

your poor mum.

Can you give more detail about exactly what his bad behaviour was like, what he is like now (with you not just the baby), and why you think he’s a great dad?

Everyone here will jump to abuse, LTB etc but it’s impossible to say if that’s OTT without full context

I don’t believe it will be his shouting that made your baby ill though.

Sounds like you have a lot of people around you who care about you and your child. Get rid of DH and live a happy peaceful life

You were unwise to cut off your parents when you will invariably need them when this all goes to pot again , which it will. Men like this rarely change. Shouting at a pregnant women to the point of abuse .. unlikely he won’t start on your son when he’s a bit older and doesn’t do what he wants I’m afraid

Well I am sure your H is delighted that you are now isolated from your family. That's all I took from your post. I am sure you can find a way back to your family. Good luck.

Shame on you, OP. It sounds like she did a lot for you, thats your mum. How sad for her, I hope she has other adult children to lean on.

One thing I never did was cut off my mum even tho when with an abuser I quite often didn't agree or felt I couldn't agree from pressure off abuser. The day I decided to leave thank goodness for my mum and 9 years on I am still grateful she was and still is my biggest supporter even tho I made stupid decisions back then..Now happily married and kids but I wouldn't be if I hadn't had her to help when I absolutely needed it

We did a course when I worked at school about trauma in children.
We always think about the obvious things, neglect, abuse etc however there was a section on generational trauma and stress/ill health in pregnancy affecting the babies in utero and altering their neuro pathways.
It was really fascinating to learn about, my own mother was really ill and yet still had 3 children and it made sense to me.
Only you know if your DH is now behaving in a different reasonable manner, perhaps he has turned over a new leaf, but I’m not sure leopards change their spots and I wouldn’t be able to move past his behaviour when you were at your most vulnerable, regardless if it has affected your child (which it may have done)
I think cutting off your Mum is probably not a good idea for you and your situation. She always had your back before and loves you, your DH certainly didn’t and that’s why your Mum isn’t able to forgive his behaviour.

Based on the previous posters, this does not sound like a relationship you should be in at all. You've gone no contact with your loving, supportive parents and now you're looking to cut off the one remaining source of support? You're leaving yourself extremely vulnerable, which tends to happen. I'd reopen contact with your family, as you've mentioned nothing about his behaviour towards you changing.
He said he would change and so I stayed as DS was about to be born. DH is the best Dad ever.

Did he change?

You cut your family off to be with your abuser and bring a child up in this environment and now want to to the same to your gran???

Wow, I just read your other thread, what you’ve done to your parents is horrendous.

This is from her previous post:

'Whenever DH is angry with me, he blocks my phone so I cannot WhatsApp him which worries me if I miscarry again. I did have a horrible scare recently where our baby was not moving and I went to hospital on my own. They asked if anyone was with me but I don’t have many close friends (and those I do have know nothing about all this) and my mum lives several hours away. She would have come straight away if she could and was very distressed for me when I called her from the taxi. I have asked her if she can be on standby in the hospital if I need her when I give birth - in case I am blocked again and she will happily stay in the area at least a week before my planned caesarean and be on call.'

He's a shouty bully. Despite him being an extremely high earner, he wouldn't pay for the final round of IVF so OP's mum paid for it.

I can't believe that you've cut your mum off after she was so supportive to you, when you were trying to get pregnant and during your pregnancy when he was a cruel and shouty bully. You wouldn't have a baby if your mum hadn't paid for your final round of IVF because your rich husband refused to continue paying.