To wonder what would happen if I refuse to have DD in my house any longer?

[Qb2654]

Im not being heard, DD is nearly 12.

If I were to refuse to have her home anymore, what would happen?

Her school are phenomenal, its already a 140k a year placement and they've just paid for younger sibling to go to holiday club this half term to keep him safe.

Our working theory is that her diagnosis really sunk in when she returned to school and shes struggling to process everything. She does love school and was thriving before diagnosis. She is also anemic, cant get the iron into her and school have taken it to try instead but are having no more success than I was.

At her sen review ask for a boarding school placement, they do have them, as the change between home and school is too unsettling for her and your younger child cannot cope with her behaviour at home.

Oh OP, I was in exactly the same situation with mine when she was that age, she has similar needs, although had no EHCP then. So many things you wrote are word for word what I was saying back then. I phoned social services and begged them to take her, I was having a nervous breakdown and just wasn’t coping at all, I thought it would be best for everyone. They came out to assess and said we needed support but there was a waiting list. Eventually 3 years later, they phoned to see if we still needed support and I was like umm no the moment has kinda passed now.

I don’t know what causes your arguments with her but for me it was all school related (well mostly anyway, and the shitty attitude at home was caused by the stress of school). I took her out of school and within a couple of weeks had my lovely daughter back again. She did eventually go back to school in a one to one setting and sat some GCSEs, and now she’s at college and doing really well. She’s also a lovely person to be around - 95% of the time anyway. If you can get to the bottom of what is causing the disregulation in her and remove that, things will change.

It will pass. In the meantime keep on at SS and tell them you need respite. For the last 1.5 years I’ve been working as a support worker for a family with kids with additional needs, single mum. SS pay for me to come and take them on days out, and also stay there overnight so the mum can have some respite. You’ll have to push hard for it but that kind of thing is available, because I’m doing it and being paid by the LA.

Do you have a space at home that can be melt proofed and filled with anything that helps her decompress?

Can you change how pick up works! Transition snack, specialist car seat to restrain her, a snack she loves? A screen? Anything to safely get her between venues?

I'm always very 'red flag' when I read someone describe the anger of their SEN child as being like their abusive father. Your reaction like this is something to have CPU selling for. Their father was a grown dult with a full frontal lobe who could independently seek help for his anger. Your child is a child who is struggling and lashing out at you and others because she has no way to autonomously improve things.

My eldest can do all the things you mention, he's almost 5 feet tall at 8.5 years old, I worry about the future as I'm sure do you and I have a you her child too.

If her meltdowns are so big you need your home set up to manage her,I don't know what to suggest to you as a single parent though, without 2 parents in our home most of the time we'd be sunk.

Even when school is as good as possible some kids can't cope with school.

Hopefully you've already got a solid diabetes management plan, but if she's not in a state to be able to receive necessary medical treatment from you I would call an ambulance every time.

I don't really know about getting her accommodated elsewhere but I do really think you should be eligible for carer funding (direct payments?). You need a children with disabilities needs assessment or something like that. Maybe school could do another referral to the disabilities team next time? It sounds like the person who came out was Child Protection.

In the meantime could your DS spend some with with your Mum instead of DD? Respite for him even if it's not for you.

OP this sounds like a total nightmare, I’m
so sorry for your situation.

Does she have the capacity to understand? Could you gently explain to her she needs to moderate her behaviour because you can’t cope and you have two children?

What does she do exactly - shout, scream and lash out?

Could she be encouraged to stay in her room and do a calming activity (reading/art/knitting?) so you can spend some time with her brother?

Or are sports her thing?

It seems to me you need a break in order to be able to carry on with this, and at 12 I guess it depends on her cognitive capacity on how you deal with it. Surely there must be some specialist advice available here?

Ok I’ve seen this play out with a SEN family. The family were desperate and the older the little brother became, the more danger he was in. He was violent to his parents too. The family had to call the police numerous times as the 15 year old, rather large boy was often too hard to handle. The family ended up having to rent another home and then alternate staying - one with each child. Eventually at the end of their tether and financially in trouble, they had to resort to saying that they weren’t picking him up from school at the end of one day. Only then was there an emergency meeting, held at the school that same day, with representatives from multiple agencies who then actually sorted some emergency accommodation for him, leading to a longer term placement. Life became much easier then. He wasn’t living at home but they still maintained lots of contact. They did love him and want him in their lives, but just couldn’t cope.

Is it up to them though? Can't you relinquish your parental rights? I don't really know but it feels like we must have provision for that to ensure children are not abandoned. Get it done. It sounds like you need to. But I would maintain contact in case it turns out later she had reasons for acting up or in case she changes - knowing you didn't completely abandon her could really help her later. As an adult, she'll understand why you needed help.

I really feel for you, you are in such a tough position.

I have a T1D toddler. Before his diagnosis he threw big tantrums. At the time we put it down to terrible 2's. After his diagnosis, his behaviour got a lot better. High blood sugar can cause bad behaviour, like many children if they eat too much sugar. I know in the early stages of diagnosis it can be hard to regulate their blood sugar well as everyone is learning, so it may be contributing to her extra struggles just now.

On top of this you have the emotions of the diagnosis, as she'll understand it a lot more. Possibly hormones too, alongside her high SEN needs.

No idea if it is related, but if/when you are able to stabilise the diabetes management (understanding with a stubborn and difficult child its much much more difficult) some of the tantrums may reduce. Hopefully this extra difficult period is just temporary and that things get easier for you soon.

Not with severe behavioural issues they don’t.