To wonder what would happen if I refuse to have DD in my house any longer?

[Qb2654]

Im not being heard, DD is nearly 12.

If I were to refuse to have her home anymore, what would happen?

Sigh! If only it were this easy.

I uaed to be an in patient mental health nurse
You cant just get someone sectioned
Two Doctors would have to agree thats shes detainable and an AMHP would than have ton apply for it
Its a complex process.

It would be treated as child abandonment or severe neglect under the Children’s Act 1989 - DD is a dependent minor. Childrens’ services would have a statutory duty to investigate and if OP refused to take the child back, the LA would usually step in to arrange emergency accommodation - in DD’s case this would be very difficult because of severe behavioural problems. OP would likely be prosecuted
and Social services could start formal care proceedings affecting her parental rights, which would potentially lead to the removal of not just DD, but also any other children from her care. It would certainly force the issue, but not in any way that would be of benefit to OP’s situation.

I can so identify with what you are trying to cope with as have had 32 years of very similar myself although I have DH alongside plus we have managed to acquire lots of appropriate help since DD was 7 years old.

I am amazed your daughter's school haven't contacted Child Services stressing the need for much more additional support and especially stating they are struggling to meet her needs. Our DD was a day pupil at a school for autism but eventually the school requested a meeting with Child Services along with ourselves to discuss the fact that they could no longer meet DD's needs and it was decided that she needed 52 week residential school. This turned out to be a blessing in disguise as we visited her every weekend and sometimes during the week too and she had pretty regular visits home. (She was 2 hours drive away.)

It isn't a miracle cure but it certainly helps both you and your daughter. I honestly feel these kids are much more comfortable when surrounded by others who are similar. It is like they are allowed to live in their world and not struggling to cope with ours.

To cut a very long story short, our DD is still very difficult but 100 times better than she was as a child. She now lives in a beautiful supported living complex in her own apartment only 20 minutes from home but all three of us have a good life now. (We see her 4/5 times per week and she is blissfully happy. Normally boots us out after an hour. 😁)

Please try and get the school on board with Child services as it will benefit them too.

Wishing you all the luck in the world. Until someone has walked in your shoes they have absolutely no idea how impossible the situation is. 💐💐💐

Did you tell the social worker you can’t cope and need respite care? And on verge of mental health breakdown yourself?

Agreed. I live this every day. It’s just good for other people to have a sliver of insight into my world.

As harsh as it sounds, it wouldn’t be unusual for both of these things to be true while still not making the provision of help any more likely. Social care, like many other services, is on its knees, respite care is only available in the most exceptional of circumstances in most areas. They can’t offer resources they don’t have.

I've read all of OP's posts on here and it sounds really challenging. It's disappointing that SS think that everything's fine and have walked away. You're asking for help and it feels really unfair that you're not getting it - unfair for you, your daughter and your younger child.

It's very ignorant of SS to say that your mum can provide respite when you've clearly said that she can't. I'd also assume from your description of the situation at school that it's really not as simple as asking your mum to look after her for a bit.

Her SEN school know her well, what have they suggested?

You're quite clearly saying "I'm not coping" and "I cannot cope".

Are you able to edit your first post OP? I think that would help you get some more focused and helpful advice as there's not enough context and a lot of people won't read your later updates.

Indeed and its entirely possible there are families who have an even greater level of need then the Ops who are also not getting the help they need.

This. People have no idea.

Parents who are victims of domestic abuse by their children are blamed and threatened with having their other children removed. The parent who is asking for help is blamed for not keeping the other children safe, but not given any help to keep themselves or their children safe. So OP could find herself still alone with her DD and having her other child taken into care, because that is easier than putting in place the rare expensive help she needs. That's the reality.

OP I'm sorry this is happening, please ask school to push social care as much as they can, make a fuss about the case being closed with the manager and keep a paper trail (repeat any phone calls in an email) and use any suitable charities you can access to support you to fight. It's really shit.

Yes, there are and will be. But that is not to diminish the OP’s experience. Our thresholds are individual and related to our personal windows of tolerance. SS can’t apply a blanket ‘you should be able to cope because Mrs Taylor three streets away can’. The OP sounds like she is in extreme burnout. Also, who and how will judge whose need is greater? Will we be throwing it open to the court of narrow public opinion that is Mumsnet and basically if you’re not wanting to throw yourself in your nearest river with your pockets laden with bricks, you’ll be reet and you’re simply making a fuss?

Im not diminshing the Ops exepeience
Im merely pointing out its very difficult in some areas to get help
Even when the level of need is very high
And
from my own experience even when respite is agreed its still not a given it can be paused at any time.

Has she got a loving Dad?

I have no advice or experience but read the whole of this thread and just wanted to say I think you’re very brave for admitting you need help this is by far the biggest step in any solution. I really hope you all get the best support available to you x

If you read the OP's post she has explained about the Dad.

im so sorry you’re in this position OP. Some years ago I worked as a foster carer for SEN children. I remember providing respite for a girl who used to beat up her parents. They had begged SS to help but were only listened to when the father was so distressed he punched a door and broke his hand. Child was placed with us because SW said the child was at risk of violence.

This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever read on here. If you could just tell children with SEN that tantrums were for babies, most specialist provisions would need to close.

OP, I'm sorry that sounds incredibly hard. Funding for respite is notoriously tricky to come by but you sound as though you absolutely need it.

It's hard and there is no one answer, but I think in your shoes I would tell social care in writing that you cannot cope. I would make it clear that if they do not fund support, you will ask them to take her into care (even if you would not do this). They need to think it is cheaper to provide support than deal with the alternative.

She did. Read all of OP's posts or don't bother posting. Ridiculous.

ETA that was to Tablesandchairs23

You really don't understand this child's difficulties do you?

OP, has anyone suggested a residential school placement for your daughter? I know someone who went down that route for their SEND DD. She is now in her 40s and living in a group home, after a period back in the family home. She is much calmer and responsive these days.

The parents had to fight the LA to get the placement and it entailed the school reporting that they were unable to meet the child's needs. Perhaps start with a review of her EHCP, with the Ed Psych present.

Comprehension skills need a little work on; I’m happy to recommend the workbooks my DD2 is using for her SATs practice? Also, if you were just plain being a combination of nasty and or snarky, your post fell flat. Better luck attacking the single parents next time!

There is no legal right to have a child placed in residential care, even after the age of 18 many local authorities prefer that the disabled adult remains at home with a care package (no matter how complex or severe the disability) . ds1 has complex needs and went into long term respite around the age of 16 and then on to supported living but it was a long long process. It can be done but it takes time and patience - document everything and ask Social Work for respite as a start point. Our experience of the police calling was positive - yes we all agreed it was not their job but otherwise they were extremely helpful and supportive and stressed that we should call every time we felt it was needed so that it call the logged in SW system. ds1 even at 16 was the size of an adult man and clearly stronger than us so that may have been a factor.

Resisential schools exist but they are incredibly expensive and not anealistic option for many people.

What would happen (based on cases I’ve known of recently) is that social services would have to take over, no foster carer would take her. So she would be sent to a secure children’s home with poorly trained agency staff that struggle to speak English and be too traumatised to accept education and healthcare and she would deteriorate further.
what I would do in your shoes is try to go via the ehcp route for a therapeutic residential school setting