To think he’s too old for her

[BeGreySnake]

I have 3 children, eldest is 17 and in 6th form. She is 18 in April.
She is quite a quiet and studious girl, good group of friends, she is learning to drive and works part time. I know she has had boys who she’s liked but there’s been no boyfriends that I have known of.
About a month ago she went out to a pub and saw friends from the year above, who work together and who were out with their colleagues. One of these colleagues started chatting to my daughter and they hit it off. He is 27.
They have been somewhat inseparable ever since. I haven’t met him, but I have invited him over so hopefully I will get to soon. He has his own place so they tend to go there if they’re not out.
Its hard as she is smitten and I can’t say he has done anything wrong as such, but I just struggle with why an adult would want to date a school girl (albeit one who will be an adult in a few months). I have had the usual chats about being careful/contraception etc.

You have posted about this a few times?

Has she been staying over at his place?

I haven’t posted before? I imagine there may be people in a similar position though.
she hasn’t stayed over. He will bring her home around 12/1 on the weekend, earlier in the week.

Not unreasonable to think it but best to welcome him as you would any other boyfriend before passing any opinion on him to her.

Disapproving parents can make an unsuitable partner more attractive.

I’d never trust someone like that. It’s weird and predatory but nothing you can do. You’ll just have to accept it and hope it passes

There is something wrong with any 27 year old who's romantically interested in a child.

I would invite him over and make sure the playlist is songs he knows but she doesn't. That'll make him seem ancient.

Agree here. There’s something wrong with a 27-year-old man who wants to get involved with a teenager. Not a lot you can do about it, though, and best to keep on good terms with your daughter so she feels she can be open with you.

I was a baby faced guy in my 20s but a 17 year old would have been unfathomable. No idea how they connect and what they would talk about. Gaming?

She’s young, but she’s not a child is she?
She could get married or join the armed services.

I would be very concerned about that age gap, she’s not even 18. She’s a child and he’s pushing 30. It’s definitely not normal.
I would be saying she can meet him at your house. If you tell her she can’t see him it’ll just push her away, but I’d perhaps be more interested at having him over to yours and having a chat with him yourself.

I think calling her a child and a school girl is over egging it a bit, both technically true but she’s nearly an adult.

op, that’s the crux of it, she’s nearly an adult, don’t get involved it’s likely to fizzle out,

If she is ‘nearly’ an adult she must by default still be a child now?

Its gross and creepy and ‘stay out of it’ is a really poor response to a teen being targeted by a man 10 years their senior.

It's absolutely gross and at the ages they are there will be a power dynamic at play that makes me shudder. That said, I'd play dutiful mother for the time being, the last thing you need is her running off and moving in with him.

Vile. I’m 27 and couldn’t even fathom looking at a 17 year old it actually makes me feel sick just thinking about it.

I probably wouldn’t express your thoughts to your daughter, I think she’s in quite a vulnerable position at the moment and you don’t want to push her further into this guys arms especially when he can offer her a place to live with him etc. Keep her close, let her open up to you and just hope it eventually fizzles out.

Yeah, a 17 year old, and a 27 year old is grim. 💀

Not sure what you can do about it though @BeGreySnake He's not breaking any laws.

I don't know how others are making light of it. He's grim as fuck. Trouble is, if you come down hard on her she'll rebel against you. Shame you can't just magic her away for a couple of weeks.

I'd hate it, but you need to tread carefully OP. Particularly as he has his own place, for her to run to, if you try to interfere.

Play the long game. Wait for it to fizzle out. Be wary of driving her into the arms of this creep.

Is there a chance she’s misled him about her age? Given she was with slightly older friends when they met?

I think you are approaching things the right way. Be open so she can talk to you. Invite him round. Don't make a big deal about it. At 17 my boyfriend was 27. We were together 3 years. At 21 my boyfriend was 31. We were together 5 years. I tried dating a couple of younger guys but they were unreliable and immature. My (now ex) husband (who I married at 30) was 7 years older than me. Having an age gap just worked for me. Back then you just met people in the pub and if you got on and liked each other that was that. My parents weren't happy about the first one and kicked up a fuss for about a year before eventually welcoming him. He was a bit work shy though so they didn't like that about him either. My son thinks it is all a bit shocking lol. He is 20 and can't imagine dating a 17 yo!

Interestingly, my mum's sisters both had age gap realtionships (10 years and 16 years) and met their husbands quite young. My mum used to say that they would be left on their own when their husbands died (hopefully she didn't say that to them)! It didn't work out that way at all. One uncle was a widower for almost 15 years while the other aunt only survived her husband by a year. My mum was close in age to my dad but she outlived him by 18 years. You just never know how it will play out.

Hopefully your daughter has picked a good one whether it is a short term or long term thing.

Groomer

I do hope it goes OK for her. It can, though it's not ideal. Agree that getting to know him is the best way forward.

Yuk. Yuk. I feel for uou OP.
If it was an older woman after a 17 yr old boy we'd all be going mad.
But a girl? That's fine.
Hopefully it will fizzle out.

Exactly mind your own business OP she'll not thank you for sticking your nose in.

Some relationships work, some don't.
I was 17 when I met my to be husband, he was 30. 59 years 4 months married so far. If anything, I 'came on' to him, he didn't groom me.