To think he’s too old for her

[BeGreySnake]

I have 3 children, eldest is 17 and in 6th form. She is 18 in April.
She is quite a quiet and studious girl, good group of friends, she is learning to drive and works part time. I know she has had boys who she’s liked but there’s been no boyfriends that I have known of.
About a month ago she went out to a pub and saw friends from the year above, who work together and who were out with their colleagues. One of these colleagues started chatting to my daughter and they hit it off. He is 27.
They have been somewhat inseparable ever since. I haven’t met him, but I have invited him over so hopefully I will get to soon. He has his own place so they tend to go there if they’re not out.
Its hard as she is smitten and I can’t say he has done anything wrong as such, but I just struggle with why an adult would want to date a school girl (albeit one who will be an adult in a few months). I have had the usual chats about being careful/contraception etc.

I think it’s too old yes. It’s more about her being so young than 10 years being too big a gap in all cases.
Keep an eye on things, make sure she’s happy and staying safe and hope it fizzles out!

Maybe they just gel and get on.
Plenty of people have relationships with people the same age and they don't work out

He's not in a position of authority, it's not like a school teacher coming on to a sixth former, and by the sound of it they've recently met so he hasn't been grooming her since she was underage. They've met and fallen in love by the sound of it. But it is a big age gap. Hope you can keep the channels of communication open OP so that you hear if anything is getting difficult for her.

Of course he’s too old for her. What kind of freak adult who is almost 30 dates a child still in school? I am 3 years older than him and would be disgusted if a friend was dating a girl that young.

How mature is she, would it have been immediately obvious when they met how old she is, does he definitely know? I don't understand how that wouldn't be an immediate non negotiable 😞

I met my husband to be just before my 18th birthday. 8 years between us and married nearly 52 years until I lost him 2 months ago. Try to be a bit more tolerant

Oh yeah, you go snog a 17 year old boy walking out of the school gates. Feel uncomfortable at the thought? Exactly.

I’d hate this based on my own experience- I was 18 and ex was 27. He was abusive right from the start but I was too young and inexperienced in life and relationships to realise. He was light years ahead of me in that sense. Of course, this man may not be like that- and I sincerely hope he isn’t- but I would be automatically anxious if one of my kids was dating someone that much older at that age and I’m not sure if I could hide it well.

Sorry, but those of you who married 50-60 years ago - you just cannot compare. It is literally an entirely different era, and the gap between a 17 year old and a 27 year old now is different to one back then (yes it’s still 10 years blah blah blah), but society and life stages are different now. It is not ok!

Can you start inviting both for eg Sunday lunch so you can understand the situation better?

Nothing you can do really but I find this weird too unless your daughter is really mature or he is really immature. At 27 I would have little in common with the average 17 year old.

Yanbu I’d be very unhappy. I don’t know any ‘normal’ guys who would have done that in their late twenties it wouldn’t be socially acceptable.

As others say just go with the flow and try not to make too much of an issue of it and hope it passes.

Go with it if she is happy or else you risk her moving in with him. Meet him, be polite and let it run its course.

30 - 50 years ago many girls of that age demanded/expected that kind of age difference, and more in some cases.

Odd how tastes change.

Ignore all the boomers here. To anyone who is Gen Z, dating a 17yr at 27 is cleary predatory and just off.

I remember when I was 16, my 16 yr old friend dating a 19 year old who was at uni and we all felt like it was really weird at the time.

Also remember a guy at my uni who's girlfriend was 15 when he started (18) - they dated through to him being 21 and her still being in sixth form!! And other students basically talking about it like it was off🤢 because it is!!!

He must know what he's doing is wrong, and both their circles will too

My parents did this. I was 18, he was 28. Banning him made me move in with him. We had a brilliant few years he was quite exciting and we travelled and lived a life that was surface but fun.

He was also an absolute dick. I have a child with him. Do not force your daughter to pick. She will pick him 100%.

She’s still at school and he’s a predator. I don’t care what anyone says. If a 27!year old man was sniffing around my child I’d chop his bollocks off. Weirdo.

The half your age plus 7 rule applies here and 27 and 17 is breaking it by quite a lot. I would put your foot down OP.

Since when was that the law? When I was 17 I wouldnt look at a 17 year old lad. Theh eere just too immature. I had boyfriends of 23 or 24. I wasnt coerced into anything and nobody thought it was weird. Most of my friends had older boyfriends. One or 2 of them are still together nearly 50 years on.
Also back then there wasnt swathes of busybodies telling people who they should or shouldn't have a legal and co nsensual relationship with🤨

It isn't the law but it should be. It is disgusting for 17 year old girls to be "dating" much older men.

You’re not wrong to feel concerned. I would be too. Definitely a good idea to meet him and get a measure of his character.

I was the loved-up 17 year old at one point! ExH was 29. My family were not impressed in the beginning but they accepted the situation for what it was and supported us. We did go on to get married and had children together.

Lasted 11/12 years before I realised I had grown and changed massively while he remained the big (self proclaimed) man-child he’d always been. Everything is amicable but I do get really annoyed when I think about how young and vulnerable I was when we met. He knew better and should have left me alone. My parents wouldn’t have been able to talk me out of it although I do wish they’d at least tried. Wouldn’t have our wonderful children now though.

10 years isnt a massive difference but not at 17. Seems weird a 27 year old would have much in common with a 17 year old. Id be worried if it were one of my girls.

What suggestions would you make?

You're not really selling it. Is this meant to be an endearing story?

.

I think all these horrified responses, automatically deciding he's a 'groomer' etc., come from they way in which young people are infantalised these days, We sound to be of a similar age group and when I was in the 6th Form no-one was going out with boys of their own age, the majority had 20-25 year old 'boyfriends', one in fact was with a teacher from another school, they married shortly after College and were married until his recent death.