To think he’s too old for her

[BeGreySnake]

I have 3 children, eldest is 17 and in 6th form. She is 18 in April.
She is quite a quiet and studious girl, good group of friends, she is learning to drive and works part time. I know she has had boys who she’s liked but there’s been no boyfriends that I have known of.
About a month ago she went out to a pub and saw friends from the year above, who work together and who were out with their colleagues. One of these colleagues started chatting to my daughter and they hit it off. He is 27.
They have been somewhat inseparable ever since. I haven’t met him, but I have invited him over so hopefully I will get to soon. He has his own place so they tend to go there if they’re not out.
Its hard as she is smitten and I can’t say he has done anything wrong as such, but I just struggle with why an adult would want to date a school girl (albeit one who will be an adult in a few months). I have had the usual chats about being careful/contraception etc.

@BeGreySnake I have posted about a very similar scenario recently (DD of the same age, and her BF who is almost 33). It's sickening and such a stressful situation and I wish you all the best. Feel free to reach out to me if you want to run ideas by someone who is walking in the same shoes.
One thing I'd recommend is to meet him to get an idea what he is like. This was incredibly insightful to me.
Wishing you and your DD all the best

Unfathomable, really?
Like you're 23 and all young women of 17 suddenly cease to be attractive?

I'm not buying this. Sorry.

It's only 6 years. You're both very much in the category of young people.

17 and 27 is just about OK, OP
16 and 30 would not be. Very much not.

This is just based on instinct and gut feeling, OP.
She's not too young and he's not yet too old.

Dont be daft 🤣 Who is going to police that,?

I was 17 in the early 90s, dated a 27 yr old. He certainly didn’t groom me 🙄. We dated on and off for about a year and then I went off to uni and the relationship fizzled out. If my parents had hit the roof about him I’d have probably married him 😬😬. It’s not ideal but I’d be careful how you handle it is my advice 🙁

She’s still in compulsory education and he left education ten years ago! She can’t legally buy alcohol or vote. Huge red flags if a man in his late 20s chooses a girl who has barely finished puberty and is still at school than a woman closer in age to him. It’s because women his age can see the red flags. 27 and 37 wouldn’t be as bad but 17 and 27 is awful.

The grooming word gets chucked about at any age gap relationship here.
It boils my piss.

I wouldn't be surprised to read that a middle-aged, 50--year-old woman would be described as being groomed if she dated a man of 70 here!!

He is a absolutely too old. Im glad youre having him over to check him out. Keep her close and be there for the inevitable falling out/heart breaking. Why a 27 year old would go for a girl that young does concern me a bit.

This kind of comment irritates me. There are thousands of people on MN. New people join all the time. Do you seriously think a mum worried about an age gap relationship for their child is a one-off experience?

I’d say it’s too late as she’s in that stage where it’s exciting and new. Just have frank conversations with her about red flags and control and make it clear you find it odd.
I had several of these relationships back in the day. Learned from them and moved on.

OP you are right to be concerned. No decent or normal 27y man would behave like this. He is clearly lacking in some way or a creep. There is prob not much you can do but keep communicating with your daughter. Good luck.

Would you apply the half age plus seven rule to ALL relationships?

Like you'd make it illegal for a woman of 30 to date a 60 year old man?

If so that is Impossible and a truly ridiculous idea.

OP your daughter was in the pub when she met this guy.
Firstly, why is she in the pub? At only 17.

Secondly, people in pubs are more or less peers.
Unless obviously children with their parents.

There's no power imbalance here.

I agree OP but lots of people will be along shortly to tell you they met their OP when they were 15 and he was 37 and they’re still married and “madly in love”.

A man who is sexually interested in a teenage girl is a predator and being married or having loads of children doesn’t whitewash that. Unfortunately it’s tolerated in our society.

Having said that, I don’t think you should push her too hard on this as it will push her closer to him. I would be as nonchalant and noncommittal as you can. With any luck it will blow over.

Why wouldn't she be in a pub? They don't serve alcoholic drinks exclusively, you know...

I couldn't get over worried about this tbh as long as he was kind and caring to my Daughter. I think it will totally depend on what he is like but you say your Daughter is sensible so hopefully she has good judgment. When I was 19 I dated a 31 year old for about a year it did fizzle out in the end but not due to his age.

Meet him and see you may be pleasantly surprised.

Also my husband was 27 and I was 17 when we got together

And you have never looked back on that’s and questioned his reasons?

When I was 23, I travelled the world before returning to start a postgraduate degree. There, I was surrounded by people my own age or much older.

The idea of dating a 17 year old would have been ludicrous to me. No idea what we would have in common as 6 years at that age is ginormous.

She isn’t an adult, so she must be a child.

No bloody wonder young people are too scared to get out of their bedrooms these days. They need to get out there and learn about life in the adult world instead of being mollycoddled and told they must not interact with anyone a few years older than themselves. From the age of 13 in the early 70s me, and most of my peer group were working as pot washers/porters in the holiday industry. Mixing in the adult world didnt do us any harm. Certainly a distinct lack of helicopter parenting back then!!

She couldn’t get married in England and Wales

17 and 30

76 and 89 now

Wow