To think he’s too old for her

[BeGreySnake]

I have 3 children, eldest is 17 and in 6th form. She is 18 in April.
She is quite a quiet and studious girl, good group of friends, she is learning to drive and works part time. I know she has had boys who she’s liked but there’s been no boyfriends that I have known of.
About a month ago she went out to a pub and saw friends from the year above, who work together and who were out with their colleagues. One of these colleagues started chatting to my daughter and they hit it off. He is 27.
They have been somewhat inseparable ever since. I haven’t met him, but I have invited him over so hopefully I will get to soon. He has his own place so they tend to go there if they’re not out.
Its hard as she is smitten and I can’t say he has done anything wrong as such, but I just struggle with why an adult would want to date a school girl (albeit one who will be an adult in a few months). I have had the usual chats about being careful/contraception etc.

Completely agree 100%.

No it comes from education and understanding of why men are interested in girls just above the age of consent.

So what age gap would such a loony law allow, 5 minutes, 1 week, 6 months? Would the same gap apply to both sexes/genders (or whatever) and also to same sex relationships?

The law would allow half your age plus 7. It would be a strict rule. It would apply to both sexes and also to same sex relationships.

I think you should meet him and then decide. I've been in larger age-gap relationships than this. Very happy, healthy relationships. In my opinion it depends on the 2 people involved. As long as they are happy and he treats her well, I think that's paramount.

Yes, it is a bit odd isn't it?

What has made the gap different, do you think? What's the difference between a 17 year old now, and a 17 year old 20 or more years ago?

That poster said 50-60 years ago, not 20 years ago.

OK, 50-60 years ago, what is the difference?

I’d be concerned too OP. And in fact the young people I know are very unimpressed by big age gap relationships. They call it nonce-y.

I can't believe you even need to ask.

She isn’t a child, but 9 years is a big age gap when the younger partner is only 18.

My aunty married a 30 year old when she was about 18 we don’t know what age they were when they met - but ultimately it didn’t work out. It’s sad though because no one tried to stop it this was in the 80s though and it really messed her up. She never got married or had kids after that relationship.

It was wrong 50 or 60 years ago and it is wrong now.

I would really like to know. Are you thinking of the culture being different now, or the world being more dangerous for girls and women, or something else?

This was “normal” in my day (90s) but today’s young people rightly tend to see this sort of age gap as predatory. I was married, pregnant, and had a grown-up career and mortgage at 27 - cannot even fathom the idea of being interested in a teenager at that stage of life.

I think the only thing you can really do is make sure she knows the signs of coercive/controlling behaviour, keep the lines of communication open and avoid direct criticism of the man (as others have said, this risks making him more attractive to her).

Yeah, I wouldn't be happy about this either but if you make a noise she will probably be more determined to stick with him. I remember dating someone a lot older than me when I was 19 and to be honest, my mum and dad just looked amused when they met him. What actually killed it for me when they met properly rather than just hello's at the door when he picked me up was mum pointing out that he was closer to their age than mine, for some reason it hit home.

For now, just keep communication open and look for any signs that she may be changing for the worse, that he's not a controller. Sorry OP, hopefully it will end soon when they run out of things to say and have nothing really in common.

Edit: sorry, pretty much said the same as the post above, I should've read it.

No it is creepy and wrong. I really hope the ‘ Close the consent gap’ campaign makes more traction soon and we can end this legal loophole for good. 17 year olds should be with people around their own age- not having sex with adults nearing 30.

Yes I get that an older man can be attractive prospect but you can make that choice once you’ve been out of school for a bit and had some adult life experience not when your a 16/17 yr old school pupil.

I was sleeping with a 40 year old when i was 18 he did not groom me we had a thing going for over a year, then we went our own way, that was that.
Did i have yes i did no regrets fun times.
Wow when i look back i have had some real fun in life.

@BeGreySnake I wouldn’t be able to welcome him. He’s an adult dating a child. There’s something wrong with him. Even when she turns 18 she’s still a young adult in education and he’s a fully fledged adult and shouldn’t be dating her.

Hopefully she’ll she sense when she leaves for Uni.

There’s some sick men around for sure.

I think most parents would have a massive problem with this. Different if she was 19/20 but 17/18 is still very much a teenager.

Keep channels of communication with her completely open, meeting him is a great start as you can stay alert for signs of coercion. Showing any signs of distaste with the relationship could potentially see the relationship develop even faster.

That’s a dick comment- they’ve been married almost 60 years.

I understood your concern OP. I wouldn’t like my daughter in a relationship like this at 17. The age gap at this stage is a red flag as far as he is concerned IMO. It’s seems predatory and I’d be watching out for coercion or influence from him. I’m really not sure what you can do about it unfortunately.

But I agree with meeting him, if only to keep on your daughter’s good side. This is not the time to kick up a stink and alienate her. Continue to keep her close and watch out for her. Hopefully it will blow over. Just make sure your DD knows you’re there for her.

When I was at school we all had older boyfriends that’s wasn’t a good thing and I hear ds and his friends of both sexes question how wrong it is, op I am sure you dd’s friends are also questioning his motives too not sure she shall listen but when she is ready to they will have more influence

I’m in my mid 50’s we were also raised to believe that older men simply couldn’t resist a young sexy school girl 🤢 (st trinians and such like gross representations of school girls) that having an older boyfriend would mean they would treat us like adults (why do children need to be treated like adults) and we should enjoy getting attention from men (as this is how we are are valued most)

my god all this was considered normal it’s fucking gross