To think he’s too old for her

[BeGreySnake]

I have 3 children, eldest is 17 and in 6th form. She is 18 in April.
She is quite a quiet and studious girl, good group of friends, she is learning to drive and works part time. I know she has had boys who she’s liked but there’s been no boyfriends that I have known of.
About a month ago she went out to a pub and saw friends from the year above, who work together and who were out with their colleagues. One of these colleagues started chatting to my daughter and they hit it off. He is 27.
They have been somewhat inseparable ever since. I haven’t met him, but I have invited him over so hopefully I will get to soon. He has his own place so they tend to go there if they’re not out.
Its hard as she is smitten and I can’t say he has done anything wrong as such, but I just struggle with why an adult would want to date a school girl (albeit one who will be an adult in a few months). I have had the usual chats about being careful/contraception etc.

I would be concerned with that age dynamic 27 and 17 is not usual

Seconded. 50-60 years ago the vast majority of 17 year olds would not be at school but out in the workplace.

It’s not unusual for a girl of 17 to want to date an older man - all the previous responses show this has always been the case. At 17 your DD is so much more emotionally mature than boys her age and it’s natural to look for a guy who can match that maturity (and has experience etc) - so please try to make clear to your DD that what she feels is v natural.
The problem is the guy - it’s not the 1970s any more - for at least 40 years dating a girl who’s 17 when you’re 27 has been completely socially unacceptable so that’s the problem - he’s either a guy who cannot understand social norms or does but so much wants to date a much younger girl that he doesn’t care - both are seriously problematic. And the fact that he’s not even introduced himself to you so far is unsettling. He’s an adult - what’s stopping him ringing your door? You’re going to have to get ahead of this and invite him round to see what you think of him & find out more about him. Good luck

What, you think there should be a law that tells grown adults who they can shag based purely on ages?

Once someone is 21+, I don't care if they want to have it away with a 90 year old.

If she senses your concern and is cross with you, this might be a good parallel to point out. Just say how would it look if a 27 year old woman was interested in XY boy in your class - not saying it’s wrong, just it’s unusual and worth examining.

But as others have said you probably have to just let it take its course as you don’t want to drive a wedge into your home life during her A Level year

Lots of people have big age gaps concerned how many people here have jumped on such a negative band wagon on here when I was 17 my boyfriend was 26 we got on great had loads in common I’m now 41 and he’s 50 we’ve been married 18 years and have 2 children. I remember my parents being concerned so they invited him over and got to know him and have got on really well ever since

The police?

Yes I would apply it to all relationships.

A 60 year old man would have to find a woman 37 year old or over.

A 30 year old women would have to find a man of 46 years or younger.

It is only right.

I can't tell if this is satire.

Good luck with that.

I'm beginning to think it must be.

I mean - there is 13 years between me and my husband - however i met him at 21. We are now married and have 2 kids - i dont see the age difference as being much of an issue tbh - i didnt really then - i was in full time employment and so was he. I think your daughter is pretty young tho - and if you push, she will prob push back. I would meet him before judging.

Have a read here https://www.ceopeducation.co.uk/11_18/lets-talk-about/relationships/age-gap-relationships/
It frames questions in a non accusatory way.

It is wrong. It wasn't considered wrong by some(most?) people 20+ years ago but it is now. Morality moves on and the 'my insane age gap worked for me' posters are clearly not 17 now.

Sadly teenagers just don't really think about an older man's true motivation. I didn't and I wish the older women around me had had a chat, rather than awkwardly avoid the topic.

I would comment that he is a bit old for her but and wouldn't be particularly happy if it was DD2 but wouldn't outright try to stop them seeing one another. As with any friend or boyfriend I'd be watching carefully how they are around one another and how he treats her. Their peers will make enough disapproving comments.

Aye especially if hes loaded and on his death bed ☺️ get him wheeled down to the registry office 😁

Yeah definitely satire or somebody realising what a ridiculous idea it is and refusing to backtrack.

I had my first proper relationship with a guy 10 years older when I was 17 going on 18 and in sixth form. My best friend had brothers 10 years older and we met through them in a local pub. My parents already knew and liked him so no big deal. We split up very amicably when I went to uni. He went on to marry someone else as did I and we saw each other a few years ago at a funeral a little spark still there! Not all older men are predatory - I think the main thing (as a parent now) is there’s no secrecy when your offspring are still living at home, so hopefully you’ll meet him soon.

for at least 40 years dating a girl who’s 17 when you’re 27 has been completely socially unacceptable

Only on Mumsnet.

Can anyone explain why they think it is acceptable? These girls are being duped into sex by older men and it is absolutely disgusting.

No you're not wrong. He is far too old for her and there must be something dodgy about him to even consider dating a 17 yr old. Either he is incredibly immature for his age or he thinks young girls are easier to manipulate 🤢. Either way I wouldn't want my daughter anywhere near him!

Because while I realise that sometimes the age gap is simply too great E. g. 16 and 30, 17 and 27 is within acceptable limits.
Especially as they met in a pub where they appeared to be peers and he doesn't spear to have any influence over her grades or career.

This is not hard to grasp.

I know. Much worse than 17 and 27 was acceptable 40 years ago.

@Applegram was either not around 40 years ago or has a selective memory.
I suggest she looks up Bill Wyman and Mandy Smith.

Now that was unacceptable but somehow yet still accepted at the time.

Charles and Diana was quite bad - 19 and 32.

I don't see 19 and 32 as unacceptable to be honest but that's just me.
Wyman though. Yuk.
Like he was a middle-aged man with a 13--year-old.

I remember all this being tabloid fodder and Smith's sex appeal being made a fuss of by the press.
She was 16 at the time the story broke but still yuk.

Now that was grooming, for both of them. Definitely an arranged marriage by people more powerful than either of them on both sides.