To think he’s too old for her

[BeGreySnake]

I have 3 children, eldest is 17 and in 6th form. She is 18 in April.
She is quite a quiet and studious girl, good group of friends, she is learning to drive and works part time. I know she has had boys who she’s liked but there’s been no boyfriends that I have known of.
About a month ago she went out to a pub and saw friends from the year above, who work together and who were out with their colleagues. One of these colleagues started chatting to my daughter and they hit it off. He is 27.
They have been somewhat inseparable ever since. I haven’t met him, but I have invited him over so hopefully I will get to soon. He has his own place so they tend to go there if they’re not out.
Its hard as she is smitten and I can’t say he has done anything wrong as such, but I just struggle with why an adult would want to date a school girl (albeit one who will be an adult in a few months). I have had the usual chats about being careful/contraception etc.

Of course I know this. Ffs.

My point is that going to a pub (unless you're obviously a child with your parents.) is obviously an adult activity.

OBVIOUSLY.

In any case, most pubs are now strictly 18 only and yes I'll bet that at least one of her peers was drinking - if not the OP's daughter herself.

But it's fine for her to be considered an adult in some circumstances but not others it seems.

They both youngish people who met in a pub. Big deal.
He is in no position of authority or power over her at all.
This really is no big deal.

What a nasty and unnecessary thing to say to someone. She's been married 59 years.

I agree completely that it's completely different these days.

The difference is that the 18 year old is mentally much more educated about the ways of the world (consent, coercion, mental health, human rights) and the 27 year old is much younger due to a big shift in society's expectations of when people will adopt an independent adult lifestyle.

This pair met in a pub when out with friends and are mutually attracted. Leave them be, Mum.

most pubs are now strictly 18 only

They certainly aren't !

Just keep talking to her OP. What is it about him that makes him so unattractive to women in careers his own age? What is it that they see that DD17 doesn't see? Does he help her with her homework and go to parents evening too? Sow the seeds of doubt.

Additionally, no weekday meets. She has A-levels to study for and homework to do. One weekend meet only with a curfew of midnight.

Just because she is “legal” doesn’t mean it’s right. Two years ago she was 15.

What a ludicrous comment. Someone of 50 dating a 70 year old is not the same as a 17 year old dating someone who is nearly 30.

And you know it.

Why not put the age of consent to 25 . Let's infantilise our young generation even more shall we?

The ones I go to are.
So what anyway you've picked on a minor point without mentioning the rest of my post.

The bottom line that unless somebody is obviously a child with its parents AND is consuming alcohol with their friends (which I suspect her and her friends were) they're assumed to be adults amongst other adults.

There's no abuse of power here. He's not a teacher, boss or lecturer.

Another ludicrous comment.

I am also sick to death of 'when I was a teenager back in the 60s, 70s, 80s... we were working at 15, and washing pots and pans for a bit of extra money, and going to the pub with my dad and drinking beer at 14 la la la.... and I dated a man of 36 when I was 17 big deal la la la la la...'

It's a different time now, and you need to get a clue and educate yourselves!

There's a lot of things that were OK 40-60+ years ago, that are not OK now. In fact some things are plain out of order now. Even against the law.

Anyone who can't see the world is a different place now, and that many more things are unacceptable, and certain types of behaviour are unacceptable needs to give their head a wobble and educate themselves...

Men can't get away with the same shit now that they did pre 1980s. (Thank goodness!) And whilst a 17 year old girl dating a man of nearly 30 would not have raised eyebrows back then, it's plain grim now. What kind of man of nearly 30 is attracted to a schoolgirl? Because yeah, at 17, she is still at school!

You people condoning this grim behaviour clearly do not have daughters. I hope not anyway.

You should watch Rita, Sue and Bob Too, a film about a pervy, almost-middle-aged man grooming and shagging teenage girls who were still at school... Bob is who I picture when I see these threads. Older men with teenage girls. Makes me feel sick to my stomach. 😖

I will bet my house that some the posters condoning this behaviour (a man of nearly 30 dating a teenage girl,) are the same type who use inappropriate language and terminology that was 'OK' in the 60s, 70s, and 80s, because it's what they grew up with, and it's 'just how they speak.' And they will say 'I can't be doing with political correctness and all that nonsense.' 🙄

.

You are correct, the legal definition of a child is under 18. So children of 16 are legally allowed to have sex.

The everyday definition of a child is the age between birth and puberty.

She isn't a child in any sense outside of law court.

This

I didn't comment on the rest because I agree with it.

There's no abuse of power.

Not all 27 year old men who date nearly 18 year old are perverts.

Not all young women of that age enjoy the company of lads their own age. There are huge advantages for some young women in dating an older, financially established man.

18 is adulthood. People can make their own decisions. Good or bad, and hopefully learn from them. If they are constantly mollycoddled and sheltered from.the world they will never learn because they are never allowed to make those mistakes.
Remember there are many little girls arojnd the world who are forced into marriage age nine......

My mum always invited unsuitable boyfriends ,my brothers' horrendous girlfriends over for tea. Tends to cause the scales of love to fall from your eyes very effectively.

You're female, though?

Given the different rate of mental maturity between males and females, there's a hell of a difference between a 27 year old female dating a 17 year old male and a 27 year old male dating a 17 year old female.

Is she planning to leave home for uni. I had a relationship with someone older when I was 17/18. When I left to do a degree he no longer fitted ( and I met men my own age who didnt talk about farming constantly, unlike the young men at home). He was faded out quite quickly.

Not me.
If she were 16 and he 30, I'd think it wholly unacceptable.
17 and 27 is acceptable, though.

They're both youngish people.

I really do think it depends entirely on the young man. Of course he could be a wrong'un, but equally he could be a decent person who enjoys the company of your DD.
Girls of her age often find boys of a similar age immature and laddish and enjoy being with someone a bit older.
I think you need to reserve judgement. You are walking a tightrope between pushing your DD into the arms of this man by expressing concern and risking him being unsuitable. You need to tread gently as lines of communication with your DD need to stay intact.
You need to gently try and move towards meeting him.

He’s too old for her.

My DS and his friends have just left uni and would not date someone still at school. They consider 18 the minimum age and even then that would be considered odd. There is a big power imbalance between 27 and 17 so it’s not great. I’m not sure what you can do about it though.

So how would that be policed?

They can say what they like until the day they're in the pub with their mates and someone brings their sister out with them and they're smitten!