Was I wrong to take my kids to partner’s family’s meal?

[Puplunchcrasher]

This situation happened completely organically I did not give it a moment’s thought I admit I didn’t think it through.

I have been with my partner for two years. He will move in with me next year.

His family seem very nice and when they have met my sons who are mid teens they have been polite.

Every few months his father invites us to a pub lunch and he pays. There is DP, a brother and a sister, and six grandchildren and they are joined by SiL and occasionally BiL.

Yesterday my sons were at home so we brought them, we gave it no thought whatsoever.

They shook hands and everyone was polite. It was a good meal with lots of laughter. DP’s father went to pay and left with his daughter and her children. We had a drink from the bar and went to leave. A young man ran after my eldest son with the bill for my sons’ meals.

I have never been so upset and embarrassed in my life.

I never thought consciously that I would get free meals for my sons but neither would I have not paid for two kids when I was out with my family.

Partner dropped us home and he and his son left. He said he would speak to his dad but I don’t want him to.

I don’t think the dad was being mean and spiteful. It wouldn’t have occurred to me to pay for their meals if I was in that situation.

No I'm sorry - I don't think the OP is necessarily in the wrong here.

She has two kids, that her partner is aware of. They were invited for a meal, the sons came. No one exclusively said 'Don't bring the kids' and as a mom, you automatically include the kids without thinking about it.

I dont know how the boyfriends dad had the cheek to walk up to the bar and say 'ill pay for everyone's except those two boys' and not even tell anyone before he left.

If he didn't want to pay for them ( which is his prerogative, he doesn't have to pay for everyone and no-one should expect it ) then he should have said prior to getting up and paying.

That's really bad manners from him and i'm not surprised you are upset. I would be too.

I don’t really understand

you never offered to pay nor made any moves to
so yes you obviously assumed he would pay for your kids

i get you are embarrassed and I’d be too but you need to be embarrassed at yourself

He’s making sure no precedent is set. Probably also upset no one even thanked him, it’s the unmentioned assumption that you’ll cover it that annoys.

You and DP are the ones who behaved badly here. DP's dad dealt with it well, being friendly to your boys during the meal and quietly taking it for granted that you would pay for the guests you invited. Don't fall out with him over this.

It was rude to bring them along in the first place without letting his family know this was your plan or ask if it was ok for them to join. Everything after that is as a direct consequence of your initial rudeness. It should be you apologising for your presumptuousness in rocking up with two extra mouths to feed. I don't buy the whole 'I didn't think' faux innocence. Nobody takes two teenagers for a pub meal and doesn't think about who is paying to feed them.

So you're paying for everyone else at the table but it wouldn't occur to you to pay for the other two people who are also at the table. It was very clear it was done intentionally.

It was fine for you to take them but you should have offered to pay for them and it might have been nice for you or your DP to have mentioned it to his dad in advance. It sounds like an expensive outing for your partners dad. You are being unreasonable to not want to talk to partners dad and to make a bigger deal out of this than it needs to be. If you'd warned him he might have paid but as you didn't he probably thought it was a bit cheeky.

He's not her father-in-law!

He might have said he hadn't paid for them, but he probably assumed you would be paying in the same way you assumed he would be paying. It may not have crossed his mind that you expected him to pay for your kids. Another time ask to split the bill.

Well no it wasnt fine to take them - they weren't invited!

Id have been royally pissed off too tbf

So if you're saying you don't want to see the father again that's surely going to create a big problem in your relationship? Are you going to be funny about your partner spending time with his Dad now?

Why ? I didn’t invite them.

You see I think the dad is in the wrong, he’s invited his son and partner so in my mind any children under working age are included automatically. I’d never dream of not including them.

This!

I'd be incredibly embarrassed if I were Op.

Then at least give the parent the heads up!

Going forward why not get a round of drinks in perhaps? My dad was always incredibly generous often paying for everyone but he also appreciated people grabbing a round knowing he would be payng the much larger bill.

Utterly barking. OP is seeking to evade all responsibility for thoughtless behaviour, and you are cheering on her efforts!
(I imagine you regard the final scene of ‘Hamlet’ as the perfect outcome for a family problem. 🤣)

I think not wanting to see your father in law again is very extreme, especially considering he has always treated you before. Two teens are likely to eat normal size meals and drinks which are expensive and you made no effort to contribute or even ask if they could come along. You are definitely in the wrong here.

I’m struggling with this bit too. So at no point during or after the meal did anyone think ‘Oh hang on a minute, were the kids meals paid for too or shall I offer something towards the bill for them?’.

In my opinion you were thoughtless and the FIL was rude. His actions were intentional and I would've given you a heads up if it was me. You should've checked re the bill and offered to pay, though I can see how you thought it was paid for if someone got the bill and went to pay.

Yes, he intentionally paid for the people he invited. To assume he’d cover two more uninvited teens who presumably ate adult meals, is massively entitled. Especially when payment was not brought up.

I think between dp, you and his dad a conversation should have occurred particularly when he didn’t pay for them. I would not have expected him to as his bill was already huge I expect. I would have gone to the bar to pay when he did tbh. However at the same time it shows he isn’t included them which may spill into other areas not just bills.

Give me the heads up by telling us they are coming.

How did his son react? Will the son be living with you when you blend?