Was I wrong to take my kids to partner’s family’s meal?

[Puplunchcrasher]

This situation happened completely organically I did not give it a moment’s thought I admit I didn’t think it through.

I have been with my partner for two years. He will move in with me next year.

His family seem very nice and when they have met my sons who are mid teens they have been polite.

Every few months his father invites us to a pub lunch and he pays. There is DP, a brother and a sister, and six grandchildren and they are joined by SiL and occasionally BiL.

Yesterday my sons were at home so we brought them, we gave it no thought whatsoever.

They shook hands and everyone was polite. It was a good meal with lots of laughter. DP’s father went to pay and left with his daughter and her children. We had a drink from the bar and went to leave. A young man ran after my eldest son with the bill for my sons’ meals.

I have never been so upset and embarrassed in my life.

I never thought consciously that I would get free meals for my sons but neither would I have not paid for two kids when I was out with my family.

Partner dropped us home and he and his son left. He said he would speak to his dad but I don’t want him to.

I wouldn’t have brought them unless specifically invited, no. I’d have suggested your partner run it by his father in advance, and made it clear I wasn’t expecting him to pay for two extra people he barely knows.

You weren't unreasonable to take them, you were unreasonable to assume they would be paid for. That said I would just chalk it up to experience on try and move on.

I think it's rude to bring two extra uninvited guests and expect someone else to pay for them, yes.

So you brought two extra people and expected them to be paid for? Yabu

If you bring people to meals that are fully paid for by others then you have to pay for them. You don't add on extra costs to your host.

So as long as you paid for their meals then it's OK. I'd probably have asked if I can bring them but if I were the hosts I wouldn't shun your kids or be offended they were there. I'd just not necessarily want to pay for them.

Hmm given that someone else always pays I would have run it past them first.

but yeah equally I can see why you’d just take them.

no biggie really.

I would have checked it was ok to bring them, and wouldn't have sat there while DP's dad paid the bill for my kids.

Well I can see why you’d bring them along but I think I expecting him to pay for 3 additional meals (yours and your children) was stretching things.

I agree that should have been brought up by your partner before you came to make it clear you weren’t expecting him to pay. (unless you were expecting it, in which case you were unreasonable)

I’m the same as you - two teenage boys, a partner with a family who do a lot of meals out. His mum is always including my kids in the invite, but I always get up or get my purse out to pay for my kids. They’ve never let me, and I feel like I’m taking advantage but his mum insists on paying. But I’ve never expected it and I always always offer. Why didn’t you? Especially as your kids weren’t invited.

It doesn’t really matter if we think the family are being a bit horrible, it’s how they are. They weren’t invited and you didn’t offer to pay. So you’re being rude too. That said, you and your partner need to decide how you will deal with this going forward. Are you one unit, so he won’t go if your kids aren’t invited and treated the same? Or are you separate units and going to accept this is how it is?

OP, how would you feel if you invited your FIL out for dinner, your treat, for his birthday, and he turned up with a couple of friends. Still happy to pick up the bill for everyone? Or would you expect since FIL invited these friends along he'd pay for them himself (or get them to pay for themselves)?

Yes it’s rude to bring two other people but I didn’t think.

Them being paid for with my hand on heart, I never gave it a moment’s thought.

While I accept I should not have brought them and offered to pay I would never have done what his father did and don’t want to see the father again.

They have all with exception of SiL met my kids a few times.

I think you’ve just had your first taste of what “blending” a family looks like to each person involved. Nobody did anything wrong (although personally I couldn’t not pay for any two people at my table who came with my son), you just have wildly different views on the same thing.

What a load of rubbish "happened organically" "didn't consciously expect them to be paid for" 😂....who did you think would pay for your son's meals then? 🙄

This is embarrassing, I can see how it happened with you just not really thinking everything through, but it will likely have left a sour taste in DPs dad's mouth.

I suggest you discuss with DP a way to resolve this gracefully. Perhaps DP says to his dad that DP told you he'd ask his dad to settle the bill then let you know the amount owed and you would transfer it to him, but on the day DP forgot to say this but you were unaware he hadn't said it.

DPs dad will hopefully forgive DP for "his error", you don't come across as grabby and everyone can save face?

In future, I wouldn't make an assumption that your kids are included without explicit invites to DPs family/friends events.

But you’re blaming your partner’s father for your own thoughtlessness, if you accept that bringing two uninvited people and expecting your partner’s father to pay for them was rude!

You were in the wrong. His dad did nothing wrong. If you make a big deal of it you will torpedo your relationship. Bringing them wasnt an issue not offering to pay and meaning it was

I think you need to have a conversation with the father. I'd guess he's not happy that they were brought along without you checking first or confirming that you'll pay for them (rightly so), and is making a point.
On the other hand, i can understand why you're upset and I dont think he handled it well. All he had to say is 'are you ok to pick up the bill for these 2 meals?' and give you the receipt.

So in my opinion, wrong on both sides and worth a chat to clear the air.

While I accept I should not have brought them and offered to pay I would never have done what his father did and don’t want to see the father again

So I will say again who did you expect to pay for your sons meals then?

How Embarrassing. But as everyone has said you and your boyfriend were very rude to expect his dad to pay for two extra meals for uninvited guests.

it could have been handled better, your partner should have quietly said to his dad I brought Bill and Ben along to get to know the family better, but I will ofourse cover my parties meal.

Your boyfriend should be careful confronting his dad, a heads up that he hadn’t paid for the two extra meals would have been less embarrassing for the boys, but they weren’t invited so the main fault is with the boyfriend for bringing them and expecting his dad to pay.

You were incredibly rude. I suspect if you'd got up to pay for your kids' meals (you haven't even been together long enough for this to be a fully blended scenario) he may well have waved it away, but as you clearly just rocked up with them and then went to leave with no attempt at paying for them, or even considering it, he decided enough was enough.

Did you really not even think about checking or offering to pay?

Yes, it may seem petty to single them out, but the alternative was being a doormat and you kind of forced his hand. I suspect you have blotted your copybook there now.

I think it’s incredibly rude to bring two unannounced and uninvited guests and expect them to be paid for. I know it’s hyperbole but saying it’s the most upset and embarrassed you’ve ever been is absolutely ridiculous. You’re seemingly putting this down to your sons being unwelcome which absolutely is not the case, it’s just that no one wants to pay for your children… which is entirely reasonable.

I would have asked first and made it clear you would pay for them. It’s tricky when blending families. If your teenage boys are anything like mine they are eating plenty so ups the cost quite a bit and it’s not the same as a cheap kids meal being added to the bill.

He probably also didn't think and assumed, as you brought two uninvited guests, that you would settle their portion of the bill separately.

A lot of people are telling you that you’re unreasonable. Not wanting to see his father again is ridiculous and will cause all kinds of damage to your relationship. You are not married, and you don’t live together yet so you can’t expect your sons to be treated as part of the family. His dad has been kind and welcoming to you so far but I suppose everyone has a boundary of who they are willing to pay for. Perhaps when you live together his expectation will be different (or maybe it won’t, especially as your sons will be adults themselves soon and their relationship will always be fairly distant). Either way, yabu to cut off his dad because you didn’t think about a situation carefully.

I think it’s a bit crap in a group of that size to single anyone out to pay for themselves let alone a couple of teens. If they’d come to you as the parent it would have been mildly less awful, but I can’t imagine being in a situation where I happily pay for 12 or 13 people but not 15.

Either you’re treating everyone or you’re not. I would see it that your teens are part of the package when you’re invited (if they’re available to attend) so I would also assume that if I’m not paying for me, I’m not paying for them either.

The dad should have approached your DP and asked him quietly to sort out paying for the extras if he really didn’t want to pay it, but it sounds like he wanted to make a point.

FWIW my exes dad always included my DCs in family events, and even gave them the same Xmas money as he gave to his grandkids. One year he was in hospital at Xmas and my XP was dealing with the Xmas money on his behalf and left my kids out. I pointed out that his dad always included them and he hadn’t ever taken note of that. I always felt very lucky that me and my DCs were so welcomed by his family, even if not by him!