Was I wrong to take my kids to partner’s family’s meal?

[Puplunchcrasher]

This situation happened completely organically I did not give it a moment’s thought I admit I didn’t think it through.

I have been with my partner for two years. He will move in with me next year.

His family seem very nice and when they have met my sons who are mid teens they have been polite.

Every few months his father invites us to a pub lunch and he pays. There is DP, a brother and a sister, and six grandchildren and they are joined by SiL and occasionally BiL.

Yesterday my sons were at home so we brought them, we gave it no thought whatsoever.

They shook hands and everyone was polite. It was a good meal with lots of laughter. DP’s father went to pay and left with his daughter and her children. We had a drink from the bar and went to leave. A young man ran after my eldest son with the bill for my sons’ meals.

I have never been so upset and embarrassed in my life.

I never thought consciously that I would get free meals for my sons but neither would I have not paid for two kids when I was out with my family.

Partner dropped us home and he and his son left. He said he would speak to his dad but I don’t want him to.

When people are richer they are often not so focused on who’s paying. I gather that’s what happened here. I bet neither the op or her partner or the fil is short of money. The fil was making a sharp point. Blended families seldom work, this is a warning call

He is upset because he was embarrassed which was totally my fault.

He is also worried about DP’s partner’s son’s reaction.

If they had thanked him, presumably he would have said that he did not pay for those meals. Who was in the wrong ...

It’s a shame this played out so publicly for the boys.

in the grandfathers shoes I would have paid for the boys meals, but would have raised an eyebrow at the lack of manners from you and my son!

you should now focus on damage control for the relationships going forward. Be careful how you frame this with the boys. It was a misunderstanding witness the bill not a rejection. Will they see your boyfriend’s parents regularly? For example at Christmas?

Erm, not inviting them kind of shows he's not planning on paying for them!

It's odd that OP thought that someone else was paying for them when they hadn't been invited, and nobody had offered to pay for them.

OP should have fully expected to pay for them. No one should have had to run after her, as she should have automatically paid her bill.

So why are you blaming your DP’s father for not paying to cover up the consequences of you not thinking?

I don’t see the issue. You were not unreasonable in bringing your children. You were unreasonable to expect your partners father to pay for them. End of

Did you thank you before he left? If you’d thank him then he’d have mentioned that you needed to settle up for the kids. So… no thank you?

"I never thought"

"I didn't think"

"I didn't expect"

Come off it OP. I can't believe the subject of this thread isn't "I'm really embarrassed that I made myself look like a cheeky fucker".

But no, instead you're whining about not squeezing free meals out of the bloke.

You were very rude. The FIL sounds like a generous person and I’m sure if he’d been asked “hey do you mind if we bring the kids along” it would have been fine and he’d likely have offer to pay, however it is SO rude to just assume you can bring extra guests and have them paid for, that would have left a very sour taste in my mouth and I don’t think I’d have paid either if I were the FIL.

I drink alcohol, my partner does not drink alcohol except for real ale which wasn’t served. My partner and his brother paid at bar at the end of meal after their father, sister and nieces had left.

Making a sharp point that OP cannot expect to freeload because the FIL ‘can afford it’. Having money does not mean you need to accept being taken advantage of.

It probably didn’t occur to his father that he should have paid for their meal.

It does sound like it turned out a bit awkward, but really that's on you. You shouldn't have brought your kids uninvited, and seeing as you did bring them, you should have gone far out of your way to make it clear that you were going to pay for them (either by being hyper aware of when the bill was coming, or by speaking to the staff)

I think it's unfair that you put your partner's dad in this position, and it's doubly unfair to blame him for it! As it is, it's not mortifying, there's no reason never to speak to him again - you ended up paying for your two kids (and not yourself) which you say you were happy to do, so it's just the logistics that were a bit awkward in the moment.

Very well put. The older gent is perfectly entitled to resist having new ‘family members’ (which they are not) thrust into his midst like this, and it’s to his credit that nothing was said to OP discreetly, about two uninvited teenagers being at the table.
Sure, some would have paid without demur despite feeling pissed off, but not to do so is in no way a demerit. (We certainly haven’t a clue about his view of the relationship and its status. Not all of us is the Dalai Lama at all times)

I’m baffled though that this boyfriend hadn’t broached the matter of paying, before the gathering. Presumably he was aware the boys were coming along.
He obviously hadn’t prepped his father to include them, so did he too take it as read that OP was intending to pay, and if so, how is such a chasm in understanding and awareness possible in his relationship with their mum?
She seems to be miles ahead of him in terms of presumption about ‘blending’.

I'd have checked first and then offered to pay for their meals!

I think it was really horrid of the fil to do that. Your poor sons! If he didn't like he should have paid for them and then had a chat to his son about paying for gour sons on future occasions. He was exhibiting a complete lack of class.

You keep saying that you didn’t think. Being thoughtless isn’t an excuse. You didn’t do it with bad intent, but you still are in the wrong.

In fil’s shoes I’d either have paid, or had a quiet word with my own dc about it. He handled it gracelessly, and if his behaviour results in words between him and his ds that’s on him.

What you should do now is step back, and let them resolve it as they will. Take accountability for your part, but try and be gracious. A part of having a successful relationship as grown ups, is the diplomacy of navigating in-laws. 90% of the time, the best course of action is to keep out of it and let blood relations figure it out.

Taking accountability for your mistake, will help to ease the sting for your teens more than deflecting responsibility. You committed a faux pas, so did fil; one of you was thoughtless, one graceless. You can’t shield your dc from the world but you can teach them how to cope with it.

Clearly did not, no.

These posts are never any different, are they? People rock up with kids from a previous relationship and are stunned to find that the new partner’s family do not see them as family, without having any kind of discussion first.

He didn’t invite them. Why should he have to pay

‘He is also worried about DP’s partner’s son’s reaction’

Can you explain this?

There are always posts on MN about couples who got together in second marriages expecting their kids to be equals within established families. In your own new unit of course you choose how you do it. It's really unrealistic to think your kids whether primary or secondary are going to be of interest to the wider family, they are going to be treated politely but they won't be warmly encouraged, they are unrelated young people. I think we make assumptions(and I have heard it often enough from friends splitting up) that you have to do what's right for you when relationships are less than perfect. This is one of the very many consequences, your kids will not have that focus from their blood relatives when visiting their parent's new partner's family. Did that sound complicated? It's because it is!

Whilst you and your partner were thoughtless by not saying a discreet “we’ll be paying for the boys” on your arrival, I think the Dad was a bit mean and spiteful towards your teenage sons and can understand why you are upset.

There was a misunderstanding, it happens. The priority now has to be to not let this escalate but to get back to the old status quo. Maybe chat with DP dad, clear the air, apologise if you may have overstepped. You’d be surprised, maybe he wants to say the same thing.

You never gave a thought to the fact you'd brought two additional people? And you never gave a thought to the fact that someone would have to pay for the food they ate? And the first time paying for your sons' food crossed your mind was when you were chased for the bill?
C'mon OP! You thought your partners father would cough up and wouldn't mind, and made a massive cheeky assumption, and honestly it serves you right if you're cringing a bit now.
Its possible your partners dad may have even paid if you'd done the decent thing and said you'd pay for your sons. When you were so presumptious he may well have chosen to teach you a lesson. Hopefully you've learned it.
And for goodness sake tell your partner not to speak to his dad on your behalf. They'll end up with a worse opinion of you. Just move on and don't make the same mistake again.