Was I wrong to take my kids to partner’s family’s meal?

[Puplunchcrasher]

This situation happened completely organically I did not give it a moment’s thought I admit I didn’t think it through.

I have been with my partner for two years. He will move in with me next year.

His family seem very nice and when they have met my sons who are mid teens they have been polite.

Every few months his father invites us to a pub lunch and he pays. There is DP, a brother and a sister, and six grandchildren and they are joined by SiL and occasionally BiL.

Yesterday my sons were at home so we brought them, we gave it no thought whatsoever.

They shook hands and everyone was polite. It was a good meal with lots of laughter. DP’s father went to pay and left with his daughter and her children. We had a drink from the bar and went to leave. A young man ran after my eldest son with the bill for my sons’ meals.

I have never been so upset and embarrassed in my life.

I never thought consciously that I would get free meals for my sons but neither would I have not paid for two kids when I was out with my family.

Partner dropped us home and he and his son left. He said he would speak to his dad but I don’t want him to.

Had I been thinking I would have offered but I genuinely didn’t think. We were chatting and laughing when he dad paid at a bar, the card reader didn’t come to the table or I might have noticed.

Logically I know he shouldn’t have to pay as they are not his grandchildren but in my heart I saw it as a massive rejection.

I want people to know I had absolutely no ill intention thinking I could snag a free meal. I am comfortably off I can afford to buy my sons’ meals.

My sons are mortified and elder one is upset.

Also you’re being utterly ridiculous saying you never want to see your boyfriend’s dad again. He did nothing wrong. It’s lovely that he pays for you, and that is plenty generous enough given you’re in a relatively short-ish relationship with his son and you don’t live together etc yet.

It’s not comparable though is it. Two extra children added to a bill of at least 4 adults and 6 children, and 2 extra adults added to a bill of 2 adults.

I would find DP’s father unbelievably rude and petty for this, and I’d ignore him and not attend any of DPs family events ever again. You can’t get back time wasted with twats like that.

“Them being paid for with my hand on heart, I never gave it a moment’s thought.”

Then who the fuck did you think was paying for their food? You know that you didn’t.

But why didn’t you go up to pay the bill for your meals? It seems like you did expect to get their meals paid or you would have said you’d pay. Do you often forget to pay your bill when you go to a restaurant?

Kindly OP, you’ve said it yourself - you were not thinking. Ergo you were being thoughtless and that impacted your DP’s Dad.

If the status quo is that your sons don’t usually come, then it was very rude to bring them without a heads up - just a quick text would do.

And then as the Dad always pays, you should have headed straight over to him as soon as you arrived, before even ordering and said that you would pay for the boys’ meals. He may well have refused your offer and paid for them anyway in those circumstances as you would be being polite and respectful.

I’m afraid it is on you this time; you handled it badly. Without malice or intent I am absolutely sure. But what remains is that you have offended you DP’s Dad who has been so generous.

Agree with PP, don’t let this blow up and ruin what is clearly good relationships in DP’s family. He won’t thank you for it.

I’d apologise by text to his Dad and leave it there. Good luck.

He’s clearly loaded if he can afford to buy such a big lunch, yet he singles out her kids. Unless he’s just showing off and is actually skint his is a grim attitude.

If your sons are upset, it's because you put them in an awkward position.

"I didn't think" isn't an excuse. You should have spoken to the host before, asking if it would be ok for them to come. Had they booked a table for x people, and then brought x+2?

Who did you think was going to pay?

Your child is upset that a stranger didn’t pay for his meal? I think he should be more upset that his mother didn’t.

Yep, they were not invited to this family gathering, and you were quite aware that usually your DP’s dad pays for the family, so there was all the more reason for you to have anticipated paying for them yourself.
You will all be regarded as family at some point, but it’s as well not to be oblivious to his family’s position until that happy day.
I imagine slight resistance to encompassing ‘grandchildren’ who are no such thing takes time to melt away, and that’s entirely understandable.
Be patient, and considerately alert to those sentiments so you can get ahead of any possible awkwardness in future gatherings.

If you and your chap are established enough now, and your boys happy to have him in their lives in a significant way, then perhaps you all can invite this older gent to a Sunday pub lunch at some really glorious place, on the river maybe. Even add others in his family, such as a sibling.
(A pretext for a special occasion lunch out would be very useful, overcoming any ‘set up’ feeling. A celebration of something, which you wanted to extend to this generous man who has been paying for previous pub lunches!)

Yes he did. He should have discreetly spoken to his own son about the situation and it would have been managed much better. Running after a teenager with a bill is shitty behaviour even if OP was also wrong

Totally. Really shitty. Do you know anyone in real life who’s shitty enough to do this? I don’t!

Wow it was hardly a welcome to the family was it?
I'd take it as it was intended omo. His df has no interest in having much of a relationship with you or your dc..

They are teenagers? So presumably had adult meals costing the same.

You need to apologise to your DP’s Dad and to your sons for the assumption/mix up.

This situation is entirely your fault.

Your sons are probably embarrassed at your and DPs lack of foresight. DP’s father was probably thinking you were being CFs in expecting him to pay. It’s not him rejecting them, he was probably just annoyed. This is down to you and DP.

Hang on. You acknowledge you were rude and should have paid, but you're cross with the father and don't want to see him again, because he thought better of you and presumed you would settle your bill for the extra guests just as any reasonable person would have done? You want to cut him off because he doesn't think you're a cheeky fucker?

You are the only person in the wrong here, OP. Stop blaming someone else for your bad manners.

Oh dear!

I think the fact that your DP's father deliberately didn't pay for your sons' meals was certainly giving you the message that you had crossed a line.

This was a meal for adult couples and GC only but DP's father was too polite not to say anything at the time.

Maybe he may change once you and DP live together or are married but he may not as some people will only consider blood/adoptees as "Family" whether you like it or not.

I do think you were hugely out of order though not immediately offering to pay for your sons' when DP's father went to pay the bill. I can't understand how you say you never thought.

You took your children, uninvited, and it didnt cross your mind for a second how their meals would be paid for?
Did it occur to you that they would need to be paid for or did you think they were free?
I just do t understand how you could know you were going for a meal, get yourself ready, etc your children ready and go there without the fact someone has to pay crossing your mind.

I think it did cross your mind and you made the immediate assumption he would pay for their meals and then gave it no more thought.

I don’t know anyone in real life who expects other people to pick up the tab for their children no.

Yes, he could’ve spoken to his son, that’s true. It would’ve been a better way of handling it.
I wonder if he was nettled by op assuming he’d foot the bill for the extra? He still should’ve mentioned it to the son, but perhaps he was annoyed at the assumption he’d pay for everyone, without even the slightest hint op would’ve been happy to cover them? I don’t know.

I thought that.
But i think this poster means its different to double the bill (2 adults plus 2 additional adults) to adding 2 meals (teens) to a big group
Although the cost is the same

It makes a difference it being 2 adult meals. More cheeky than 2 kids meals

They’re upset because you put them in a difficult position due to what you admit yourself was your own thoughtlessness.

Exacttly this. Very natural for you to have included them in the event but odd that you expected them to be paid for