Was I wrong to take my kids to partner’s family’s meal?

[Puplunchcrasher]

This situation happened completely organically I did not give it a moment’s thought I admit I didn’t think it through.

I have been with my partner for two years. He will move in with me next year.

His family seem very nice and when they have met my sons who are mid teens they have been polite.

Every few months his father invites us to a pub lunch and he pays. There is DP, a brother and a sister, and six grandchildren and they are joined by SiL and occasionally BiL.

Yesterday my sons were at home so we brought them, we gave it no thought whatsoever.

They shook hands and everyone was polite. It was a good meal with lots of laughter. DP’s father went to pay and left with his daughter and her children. We had a drink from the bar and went to leave. A young man ran after my eldest son with the bill for my sons’ meals.

I have never been so upset and embarrassed in my life.

I never thought consciously that I would get free meals for my sons but neither would I have not paid for two kids when I was out with my family.

Partner dropped us home and he and his son left. He said he would speak to his dad but I don’t want him to.

What do you mean you "didn't think"? What a cop out. It wasn't going to be free was it?

You have the neck to blame his father for what YOU did??

You keep saying "Oh, I genuinely didn't think ..."

Well, start thinking, lady.

Where does it say that the teens specifically were not invited and the Dad only invited his son and sons partner.

I would fully expect the kids to come in this type of situation.

Yes….a very surreal moment there!

I can totally see how embarrassing this was but I do think you’ve caused this OP and maybe reaching out to clear the air might help? You bought two guests along without mentioning it first and also didn’t then at least mention ‘don’t worry we’ll be paying their way’, even to offer when you arrived is absolutely what you should’ve done. If his father usually picks up the bill he probably felt very taken advantage of for you to just arrive and not even make mention of it.

Because OPs kids weren't invited? And the fact that she and DP didn't even think about paying for them suggests that they just sat back and let DP's dad go and pay the bill without an offer or a thank you.

None of this is on DPs dad, who has been put in an upsetting position here.

@Puplunchcrasher

Eek, awkward, I'm actually cringing on your behalf Op.

You were wrong to take them uninvited, absolutely wrong to then "forget" to pay for them and DPs ddad is a shit for making it even more awkward.

Im struggling to decide who was more in the wrong but I'm leaning towards you.

Personally, in the ddad position I'd have paid to avoid embarrassment to you and the DC but you wouldn't have been included again in any future family meals out.

However, ddad wasn't under any obligation to pay for two other uninvited people.

You basically caused the issue then it was a domino effect, you didnt ask or pay, ddad stood his ground, dc embarrassed and now you're annoyed with the ddad 🙄

Some people don’t think things through, have high expectations and then become upset . Why are you upset that you partners dad made you pay for the two uninvited guests? Fair play to the dad . He is no fool.

I would have offered to pay for them. And for myself. Why should the grandparents always foot the bill. I would also have asked beforehand if it was ok to take them. It's not as if you have been with your partner for long or that he and his parents have known your children since they were small children

Honestly, you're going to have to toughen up a little bit here I'm afraid. Trying to blend families creates a lot of situations like this and its important that you learn to navigate them and deal with hurt feelings sometimes. You can't seriously day that you never want to see your partner's dad again and start causing rifts in his family over this, not if you want it to last.

The parent who is bringing her uninvited teens along uninvited should give the heads up. Teens don’t need to come along with parents, they don’t need childcare. There’s certainly no inherent assumption they would attend. Bringing a teen is just cheeky fuckery of expecting a free meal. Bringing two is twice as bad.----

I don't believe you didn't think about it. Who goes out for dinner with their two sons and doesn't think who is going to pay for this?

It would have been fine to gently enquire about it, or offer once the FIL got up to pay, but be honest, you did think about it, and you did expect him to pay!

Surely you can see you're the CF here, even if you were embarrassed by the situation.
I do no understand how you can take additional people for a meal and not consider at any single point how their food would be paid for.

It’s just communication issue, you should have made clear you would pay for them.

So apologise to your son?

DP's partner's son's reaction? Isn't that your son? You are the partner, and he is your son? Or do you mean DP's son?

You sound like the type to be expecting your sons to be included in inheritance too 😂

I am going to be harsh here but what on earth were you thinking? You took two univited people to be pre arranged get together. You didnt think..you then assumed your partners Dad would pay for them. Did you not think again?

I am stroppy over this because I have a relative who does this sort of thing and often other family members are far too polite to mention anything and he gets away with it. He 100% knows what he is doing

I don't even think it matters you took them, you could have arrived and said I hope you don't mind, I've bought X and Y along, don't worry, I'll get their meals. Most people would have known this was on the edge of cheeky, and sent their partner to offer the FIL the money or done it themselves.

I think it's really weird that you 'genuinely didn't think'. Why not? That shows a total lack of self awareness tbh, and selfishness. You just didn't think.

Best thing to do is move on and make sure you do think, next time. Nothing to be gained from revisiting it.

That's quite a statement from them imo.
If he takes the entire family including grandchildren for a pub lunch quite regularly and pays for everyone, and specifically only left your boys out from the bill without mentioning it. He literally went up to the bar to pay for everyone, and paid for you, and made a point of taking your boys meals off the bill, then that is a snub.

I think it's awkward because in theory of course no-one is obliged to pay for your children, but I just cannot imagine dhs family doing that to my ds1, and I can't imagine any of my family doing that.

I actually wouldn't go to any more of these lunches. I'd feel humiliated tbh.

If you hand on heart never gave it a thought, why do you now not want to see him again?
You bought two extra people, didn't say anything about it and just assumed he was paying - sounds like you didn't even thank him?
You were rude, not the dad.
They're not his step grandkids, he's only met them a few times and they're not even living with his son. Why would he pay for them?

Family kids, yes. Unrelated teens, absolutely not.

You and DP were extremely rude. I assume his dad paid for both your meals as well?

It wasn't done accidentally OP, he was making a point and unfortunately both of your lack of manners and consideration meant your DSs were embarrassed.

Why don't you want to see his dad again out of interest?

100% agree with this. This is all on you and you want to stomp off in a huff?

Funny how you could actually have got away with it

I don't think it was rude to take them at all. Think it's odd his dad didn't tell him he wasn't paying for extra people and left it up to staff.