Was I wrong to take my kids to partner’s family’s meal?

[Puplunchcrasher]

This situation happened completely organically I did not give it a moment’s thought I admit I didn’t think it through.

I have been with my partner for two years. He will move in with me next year.

His family seem very nice and when they have met my sons who are mid teens they have been polite.

Every few months his father invites us to a pub lunch and he pays. There is DP, a brother and a sister, and six grandchildren and they are joined by SiL and occasionally BiL.

Yesterday my sons were at home so we brought them, we gave it no thought whatsoever.

They shook hands and everyone was polite. It was a good meal with lots of laughter. DP’s father went to pay and left with his daughter and her children. We had a drink from the bar and went to leave. A young man ran after my eldest son with the bill for my sons’ meals.

I have never been so upset and embarrassed in my life.

I never thought consciously that I would get free meals for my sons but neither would I have not paid for two kids when I was out with my family.

Partner dropped us home and he and his son left. He said he would speak to his dad but I don’t want him to.

She hasn’t said that though. She said she doesn’t want her partner to bring it up with him

Quite. Wonder if OP ‘doesn’t think’ about how the bill will be paid when she goes out the rest of the time.

She also said she’s not going to see boyfriends dad (not sure why she refers to him as FIL when he is not) anymore… so there would have to be some sort of explanation!

That’s exactly what she said and in the op too,

While I accept I should not have brought them and offered to pay I would never have done what his father did and don’t want to see the father again

He is their Mum’s long term boyfriend’s dad. Not really a stranger. Maybe he is upset as he feels he and his brother have been rejected by said Boyfriend’s family. Or maybe he was just upset because he was embarrassed about the situation

Im really shocked at these replies. I can see that OP could have checked it was okay for her sons to go to the lunch but since it was a first time I think they should have been paid for. If the payer later spoke to op or her DP and said next time we need a heads up or next time we wont pay fair enough (and if i was her i wouldnt have gone next time). But to make 2 people feel like they are not part of the family when they basically are just not blood related i think is rude and exclusionary.

But the father had arranged a family meal - the OP is his son’s girlfriend and her sons are NOT his family. It’s just so rude to bring along extra uninvited people without checking first, let alone not immediately offer to pay for them. None of us knows the father’s financial position and these family meals may be something thst he saves up for to treat his family regularly, and he may not be able to afford to pay for a couple of freeloaders who the OP thinks he should treat as family when they’re not.

2 years is actively planning a wedding for a lot of people I know

I didn't say he should have paid. I said the kind way to handle it would have been to talk to the OP or his son and let them know what their share of the bill was.

You’re over egging it a bit, it’s been two years, few people consider that long term,

I sm not really buying that who would pay for your kids nevet crossed your mind.

Quite. I expect OP would still have been outraged if the dad had said to the waiter to have separate bills and pointed out OP and her boys. Or even if he had taken her to one side and said I am not paying for everyone, she would still have found that rude. I think overall she expected her and her boys to be part of the 'family' meal, which would be ok if they had been invited as in that scenario I think it would be assumed that as a guest the host will pay (though it would still be good manners to offer).

Well perhaps he forgot! If the OP is allowed to use this excuse…

Wow, that’s quite something, you think it’s ok to front up to a family meal with your kids uninvited, and not offer to pay and they should just be paid for?

if she’d spoken in advance, or offered to pay, or said something on arrival, hi hope it’s ok Joe and jimmy are here, we will pay, then he likely would have said that’s fine, but to turn up to his lunch, with his family without any mention and expect to be paid for is awful behaviour

The better way to handle it would have been the op to speak to him, and offer to pay, it’s not on him to sort it, it’s on the op, why make it his responsibility.

So? I’m not sure of your point, these people are not planning a wedding and don’t even live together,

But this is how choosy fuckers operate, they put someone in an incredibly awkward position of having to say no, in the hope that the target is too polite to do so.

Fair play to him, he didn't have the awkward conversation, but he refused to go along with OP and his own son being CF too, he played them at their own game.

No I don’t know anyone who turns up gets meal and doesn’t even think about how it will be paid, the op clearly expected her children to be paid for.

That's on the son, though, not the OP. The OP is effectively his son's 'plus 1'. The son should have spoken up if he thought he needed to clear the two extra guests with his dad.

The son is the one who knows his father best and understands the format of these family meals. If I were in the OP's position and my DP okayed it, tacitly or explicitly, I wouldn't question his judgment about his own parent.

100% this. Imagine assuming your uninvited kids would be paid for by someone else.

What as she’s some feeble woman with no responsibility for her or her kids, she’s a grown uo and needs to take responsibility for her own actions,and I’d guess she never asked him if his dad would give them a free meal.

I am 46 and my partner is 51. Why are people referring to us as boyfriend and girlfriend like we’re teenagers?

People will never believe me but all this was done completely innocently by me. Partner’s father and his partner have been guests in my home often and have often met my sons.

We can’t marry as this will raise complications for all our sons. So are we never going to be considered family?

Well the kicker last night came with partner’s ex textng him asking what had happened as apparently his son complained about my sons coming to the pub and my partner being critical of his grandfather in the car. I did not join in with this at all. I think he should have paid and had it out with partner afterwards; he didn’t need to embarrass my sons.

As for partner’s son , he sees his father alone all the time gets on well with my youngest.

our children are too old to blend but we’re talking about a pub lunch.

I haven’t read all the responses it I am not a cheeky fucker but in the chaos of so many I genuinely didn’t think. I won’t put my sons in a situation like this again.

I was replying to the poster who said 2 years in is meet the girlfriend territory, not blending families territory

He would have had to remember what the sons had eaten, go all through the bill and deduct those items, so that excuse simply doesn't wash.

It must be quite cheap to go through life if ‘I didn’t think I would have to pay for stuff’ was a valid option. Free shopping, free meals.

this was all started with the ops outrageously entitled cheeky fuckery. People could argue the toss about how the bloke should have approached it, but I think go to the root. She caused herself to be ‘upset and embarrassed’. She should be. I’d be embarrassed too if I didn’t remember that an adult needs to pay for their own stuff.

the right thing to do now for the op is to own it and apologise profusely to the dad for putting him in that situation.

to even think that the right action from here is to never speak to the father again shows a lack of maturity, zero self awareness, zero ability to take accountability and entitlement.