Was I wrong to take my kids to partner’s family’s meal?

[Puplunchcrasher]

This situation happened completely organically I did not give it a moment’s thought I admit I didn’t think it through.

I have been with my partner for two years. He will move in with me next year.

His family seem very nice and when they have met my sons who are mid teens they have been polite.

Every few months his father invites us to a pub lunch and he pays. There is DP, a brother and a sister, and six grandchildren and they are joined by SiL and occasionally BiL.

Yesterday my sons were at home so we brought them, we gave it no thought whatsoever.

They shook hands and everyone was polite. It was a good meal with lots of laughter. DP’s father went to pay and left with his daughter and her children. We had a drink from the bar and went to leave. A young man ran after my eldest son with the bill for my sons’ meals.

I have never been so upset and embarrassed in my life.

I never thought consciously that I would get free meals for my sons but neither would I have not paid for two kids when I was out with my family.

Partner dropped us home and he and his son left. He said he would speak to his dad but I don’t want him to.

You said you stayed for drinks at the bar (even though your partner was driving) so did you pay for those drinks as a separate thing? I don’t understand how you could order and pay for extra drinks but not think to offer to pay for your kids meals.

Look, it’s just rude. They weren’t invited, you didn’t apologise or ask or offer to pay when you arrived with them - you just sat down and ordered and clearly assumed that he’d be happy to pay. Maybe that’s why he didn’t, because he found your assumptions rude. Maybe a conversation will sort this, or maybe he doesn’t want to pay for kids he isn’t related to and is still an early relationship. Two years is “meet the girlfriend” territory not “blended family” territory.

Suit yourself.
If you reckon your own children are entitled to the hospitality of a boyfriend’s family, when no such thing was mentioned, no invitation extended, then by all means wreck this relationship and blame everyone else.

I don’t think you were unreasonable for taking your sons, however you should have at least checked if the boys were paid for as FIL didn’t officially say he had.

Personally if I was your FIL I would have paid for your boys if I was paying for the whole group, but everyone is different.

Don’t worry about it to much, it’s done now, and you know for next time

It's hardly rude and petty to hold a boundary on only paying the bill for invited guests.

It is extremely hurtful to be as generous as DP's dad is and to realise that your guests just see the opportunity for a free meal out. My dad is incredibly generous to me, my siblings and our families. Yet every time we go out we still make an offer to pay/contribute to the bill etc even though he turns it down every time. I always make a point of sending a message afterwards to say thank you.

Someone has likely worked hard for the money they spend on other people, or at the very least could have spent the money elsewhere, so a conscious decision to treat others should always be treated with respect and gratitude.

Surprised this came up only when you were leaving. If he paid in front of you, did you not thank him at the time?

If I thought someone was paying for my lunch and my kids I’d immediately a) offer to pay and b) give explicit thank yous.

dont refuse to see him again, that would be petty, especially because it sounds as if he paid for you and has done a few times previously.

Partners dad was very rude here. He should have mentioned that you were paying for your kids upfront. To sneakily not pay for them, not tell you and send the staff running after you is incredibly rude. What was stopping him telling you or your partner?
These are not nice people and Id rethink the whole relationship.

DP should have said "we'll have OPs boys that weekend, is it ok if we bring them along? We'll pay for them obviously". I actually feel it's more on him than you as all 3 of you (you and DC) were going as his "add ons" for want of a better word. (That said, I can't imagine not checking he had done that.)

if they weren't specifically invited it was thoughtless and rude to take them- giving it no thought, is no excuse.

By 'not thinking' you have put everyone in an embarrassing situation. You need to apologise to them.

Two teenagers eating adult meals or two adults eating adult meals, not invited, not budgeted for. Completely comparable. You don't bring along uninvited guests and you most certainly don't then expect someone else to pay for them.

You keep saying you weren't thinking but it was rude. Not thinking is no excuse. It was rude and your boyfriend's partner did nothing wrong.

This.
I'm sure if you'd got up with FIL when he went to pay and offered to pay for your two sons he would probably have refused your offer,
But as your sons were unexpected extra guests and you made no effort to offer to pay, I can understand why he was upset.

I genuinely didn’t think!

How do you know they’re just seeing it as a free meal out? Maybe OP really thought that DPs family were keen to welcome her family into their family. She was wrong. It’s sad they sought to exclude her and her family.

Wow - entitled. YOU were in the wrong. And YOU don't want to see him again? That is dreadful behaviour from you. Presumably you thanked him effusively for paying for their meals before he left? And your sons must also have thanked him effusively for his generosity? Would he not have said then - oh, I did not pay for those meals. So I guess that there was no effusive thanks from anyone ...

This is what needed to happen
You were in the wrong op.
It must have been an extra £50 minimum on the bill.
I have never been out for food and not offered to pay, particularly if I have the dc and have more than my db who has 1 so its not an equal split.
You need to explain to your ds it was an oversight by yourself, has been sorted out and move on.
No idea why you dont want to speak to your dp father when you were cheeky

Tell your son not to be embarrassed, it was YOUR mistake.
But don't put your children in such a position again, it is very upsetting to be othered like that so publicly.
Why is he moving in with you?
Is that really in your childrens best interests?
Perhaps slow down with plans.
Blended families largely benefit adults not children.
I cannot imagine just assuming my childrens meals would be paid for, but I also wouldn't dream of not paying in this scenario.
Protect your children better.

It’s horrible off the fil to do that

Did he pay for your meal? Did you thank him?

What do you mean? It just never crossed your mind who would pay for your food? Do you often just forget to pay in restaurants?
I’m sorry, I don’t believe you. You were a cheeky fucker and they called your bluff.

How can you not think about who was paying for your kids meals, especially as they weren't invited?!

Wow. You should have bern at the bar offering to pay for your DC meal, and then offering to pay for DPs dad as a thank you for his generosity previously. You do need to text to apologise for your rudeness and quickly.

I think it was the restaurant staff that were asking for the remaining bill to be paid. Part of their job.

You brought them along uninvited, and ‘didn’t think’ about who would be paying for them. You seemed to have just assumed that your partner’s father would have just paid? And that he’s somehow in the wrong for not sucking it up and paying for your children?

“I didn’t expect him to pay, but what I most didn’t expect was that he wouldn’t pay, and now I think he’s dreadfully wrong for not paying, although I totally didn’t expect him to pay”.

You absolutely expected him to pay, and now you’re pissed off because he didn’t just cough up in order to keep the peace, basically. You were the one that made the mistake and the one responsible for rectifying it. The onus was on you to not put him in that position in the first place.

I don't think anyone handled this particularly well but you need to take ownership of your part of it. What on earth is upsetting your kids though? How would they even think to be upset that their mum's new partner's father didn't pay for a meal they weren't invited to? Surely you could have just paid it without any drama and they'd have no idea there was an issue.

They are mortified and upset BECAUSE OF YOU! You did the wrong thing. You have to apologise to his dad, NEVER bring them uninvited again (I doubt you will get an invite tbh), and ALWAYS pay your way from now on. You also need to apologise to your boys for putting them in that position. No wonder they are upset! Im guessing you are making this the dads problem, acting like they've been rejected rather than teaching them that turning up unannounced and not paying is socially a huge no-no and completely entitled. Dont teach them to be entitled!

My DP has kids and Im trying to imagine him doing this with my family - if he did I would be deeply unimpressed. Isnt your DP a bit embarrassed of you?

I dont get why you are turning this on the grandad, rather than reflecting and turning yourself inside out at your own embarrassment because of the fuck up. Its very childish to lash out like this rather than own what you did wrong here.

How you deal with it now with his dad could be quite important in terms of the relationship going forward. Think very very carefully if you want this relationship and the blending to work.