Page 37 | Was I wrong to take my kids to partner’s family’s meal?

Puplunchcrasher · 2026-10-26T13:35:53+00:00

This situation happened completely organically I did not give it a moment’s thought I admit I didn’t think it through. I have been with my partner for two years. He will move in with me next year. His family seem very nice and when they have met my sons who are mid teens they have been polite. Every few months his father invites us to a pub lunch and he pays. There is DP, a brother and a sister, and six grandchildren and they are joined by SiL and occasionally BiL. Yesterday my sons were at home so we brought them, we gave it no thought whatsoever. They shook hands and everyone was polite. It was a good meal with lots of laughter. DP’s father went to pay and left with his daughter and her children. We had a drink from the bar and went to leave. A young man ran after my eldest son with the bill for my sons’ meals. I have never been so upset and embarrassed in my life. I never thought consciously that I would get free meals for my sons but neither would I have not paid for two kids when I was out with my family. Partner dropped us home and he and his son left. He said he would speak to his dad but I don’t want him to.

FillerTrackOnTheAlbumOfLife · Today 07:58

Maybe, just like you didn't think to pay for your sons' meals, DP's father, just like you, didn't think to pay for your sons' meals either!!!

No, it would have to have been a deliberate and calculated move by the DP's father. He'd have had to make a mental note of everything the OP's sons had eaten and drunk, and then go through the bill and ask for those items to be removed.

An unpleasant and very passive-aggressive way to handle the situation.

Anarchy99 · Today 08:06

FillerTrackOnTheAlbumOfLife · Today 07:58

Maybe, just like you didn't think to pay for your sons' meals, DP's father, just like you, didn't think to pay for your sons' meals either!!!

No, it would have to have been a deliberate and calculated move by the DP's father. He'd have had to make a mental note of everything the OP's sons had eaten and drunk, and then go through the bill and ask for those items to be removed.

An unpleasant and very passive-aggressive way to handle the situation.

Okay so how should he have handled it in a way that didn’t involve forking out for his son’s girlfriend’s children?

Those wanging on about blended families - they aren’t a blended family. They don’t even live together yet.

I can’t get my head round turning up somewhere uninvited, even without throwing in the fact it is a meal that someone else is paying for.

I am actually disgusted that anyone on the thread thinks it’s okay to do this and that the father was unreasonable. The sense of entitlement from people is shocking

I hope the father actually disinvites the OP from future lunches.

GooseCreekandtheRiver · Today 08:07

Your DP’s father is a petty and cruel person.

It’s such a cold and calculating thing to do, and clearly his way of showing rejection. If I were you I would keep your kids well away from him.

randomchap · Today 08:07

BlueRedCat · Today 07:47

Oh come on that’s semantics. It’s the partner’s family and he knows the dynamics. It was his family meal and he likely knew there would be no issue with the kids coming along which seemingly there wasn’t. It was just who paid on the day where there wasn’t confusion. Why does mumsnet turn ordinary interactions into something more complicated.

if I was having a family meal at a pub and my mate was at a loose end, I would have no qualms about going do you want to join us?. I would expect when the bill came to be paid, I myself (not my mate) would have said ‘hey dad, how do you want to split the bill for sally’ and he would likely say ‘I’ll pay and you can me back after’ at which point I’d ask sally to transfer him £30 or whatever. Or we’d have said hey sally do you want to pay £30 now? I would have absolutely taken responsibility with my family to ensure it got sorted. I wouldn’t have expected sally to start doing negotiations with my family.

look that’s just me. I have a very chill and relaxed family where something like this wouldn’t happen. We are pretty open at paying time and wouldn’t have an issue discussing things like this. I would absolutely have been horrified if my dad had just left sally off the payment, not said anything and then left. I would have absolutely assumed they had paid for sally and I would have called them up after and said hey, how much so I owe you.

so different family dynamics at play here.

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It's not just semantics, you were making stuff up in order to make the host into the bad guy.

comingintomyown · Today 08:08

SatinHeart · Yesterday 15:24

I would have expected the DP to have taken charge tbh - it's his family and his partner with DC so he is the vital link to make these interactions go smoothly.

Your partner should have run it past his parents before bringing your kids OP (and you should have checked with him that he had done this before going).

Your FIL should have taken your partner aside at the meal to sort out the issue of paying for your sons' meals. Ideally it shouldn't have reached your ears until later on, and it shouldn't have reached your sons' ears at all.

Exactly this, where is your DP in all this ? Presumably since you haven’t said otherwise he too blithely assumed his Father would cover 2 extra meals.
I don’t believe it’s possible for someone in this day and age to just not have thought about who was going to pay either before during or after the meal. I am guessing he’s ok for money and that’s why you thought it would be ok because think you did OP whatever you are trying to say now.
I had a period in my life when I was flush and I always knew who was going to ignore the bill when it arrived totally happy for me to pay, greedy and entitled.
As a PP said own this you have royally fucked up

Anarchy99 · Today 08:10

Also he may have had them taken off the bill because, just as the OP assumed he would be paying, he assumed the OP had some manners and assumed she would want to pay for her own children that she had decided to bring along.

FillerTrackOnTheAlbumOfLife · Today 08:11

Anarchy99 · Today 08:06

Okay so how should he have handled it in a way that didn’t involve forking out for his son’s girlfriend’s children?

Those wanging on about blended families - they aren’t a blended family. They don’t even live together yet.

I can’t get my head round turning up somewhere uninvited, even without throwing in the fact it is a meal that someone else is paying for.

I am actually disgusted that anyone on the thread thinks it’s okay to do this and that the father was unreasonable. The sense of entitlement from people is shocking

I hope the father actually disinvites the OP from future lunches.

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Spoken to his son and/or OP!

Bill comes along, either before or after paying it, all the dad had to say was "Your share is £86.50" or whatever.

thebrowncatisback · Today 08:11

Evryone here is assuming the partners dad is wealthy and can easily afford to pay for two extras

pub meals out are ££££ these days

Why didnt OP offer him £50 to cover the boys?

HappyViewer · Today 08:13

FillerTrackOnTheAlbumOfLife · Today 08:11

Spoken to his son and/or OP!

Bill comes along, either before or after paying it, all the dad had to say was "Your share is £86.50" or whatever.

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Or all the OP had to say is how much do I owe you for the kid’s meals or can I have a separate bill?

herecomestheairfryer · Today 08:16

In a way this is a good thing OP, your partner's family are showing that they don't see you as a family unit. Perhaps you just assumed that they felt you are like family and brought your dc along. They have sent the message loud and clear that this is not the case. Do not speak to the father about this, accept it and move on. Whilst I wouldn't exclude 2 people brought along by chance, I wouldn't want it to be expected of me either, which is what you did here.

Notonthestairs · Today 08:17

So the Op had no responsibility to check with the host before arriving with her teenagers? No expectation of offering to pay. No need even to thank the host.

Infantilisation.

And not only that, the father is expected to smooth over her failures in order to limit her embarrassment.

Scarcityvarcity · Today 08:17

I think he probably just assumed that OP was paying separately for her sons. Why wouldn't he?

Scarcityvarcity · Today 08:19

herecomestheairfryer · Today 08:16

In a way this is a good thing OP, your partner's family are showing that they don't see you as a family unit. Perhaps you just assumed that they felt you are like family and brought your dc along. They have sent the message loud and clear that this is not the case. Do not speak to the father about this, accept it and move on. Whilst I wouldn't exclude 2 people brought along by chance, I wouldn't want it to be expected of me either, which is what you did here.

Of course they don't see her as a family unit. They aren't married or living together. She is just someone dating their son.

Anarchy99 · Today 08:20

GooseCreekandtheRiver · Today 08:07

Your DP’s father is a petty and cruel person.

It’s such a cold and calculating thing to do, and clearly his way of showing rejection. If I were you I would keep your kids well away from him.

Cruel? Rejection?

Bloody hell

BlueRedCat · Today 08:21

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · Today 07:50

I wouldn't have paid for everyone and left the two teen boys out, personally. I would have just sucked it up and judged you for not having even offered to pay for them.

You really were incredibly rude, OP, to just assume a) that they were invited and b) that they would be paid for. Especially the assumption that they would be paid for. Saying that you "didn't think" isn't a valid excuse - you should have thought

You have only been with your DP for 2 years and you don't even live together yet. Obviously your DP's family aren't going to see your kids as part of the family - they probably don't see you like that yet either. You should have checked that they were invited and then offered to pay for their meals.

I don’t understand why the OP was rude to assume the kids were invited.

she was with her partner. She said ‘we decided’ so clearly the partner was completely involved in this decision. She didn’t just bulldoze them into the meal like others have suggested. It was for him to message his dad and ask if ok. Even now (and I have been married for 25 years), if my DH hypothetically wanted to invite his friend/family to a family meal involving my family, I would be the person messaging my mum/dad to ask if ok because it was my family meal. She might not even have her DH’s parent’s numbers for all we know.

but regardless of who was rude and whether or not the OP should have shouted loudly that she was paying for her family, if one of the party went up to pay and just left without saying anything about payment, I would absolutely assume 100% that they had paid the full bill. I have been to meals where I was expecting to pay my share and someone has unexpectedly covered it. I didn’t then go up to the till and check that mine bit was left unpaid.

MrsKateColumbo · Today 08:23

Sorry but you're a massive CF. I assume you know how restaurants work, do you often walk out without paying because you "didnt think". I lot of people use this excuse to be rude and grabby then paint themselves as the victim with "i didnt know", I wonder if you have form for this

Scarcityvarcity · Today 08:24

It is true that OPs partner should have checked with his father. Given that, the not paying for his guests could have been a message to him rather than OP.

BeLemonMoose · Today 08:24

The family have only met OPs sons a few times over the two years they have been together. If OP wanted the sons to be seen as family she would have made much more effort for them to get to know her son's. She hasn't.

herecomestheairfryer · Today 08:26

Scarcityvarcity · Today 08:19

Of course they don't see her as a family unit. They aren't married or living together. She is just someone dating their son.

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Yes exactly. Perhaps the OP thought more though of the situation? She must have if she brought two extra uninvited people to the dinner and expected that her boyfriend's father would foot the bill. This scenario happens a lot on the step parent board.

Anarchy99 · Today 08:26

herecomestheairfryer · Today 08:16

In a way this is a good thing OP, your partner's family are showing that they don't see you as a family unit. Perhaps you just assumed that they felt you are like family and brought your dc along. They have sent the message loud and clear that this is not the case. Do not speak to the father about this, accept it and move on. Whilst I wouldn't exclude 2 people brought along by chance, I wouldn't want it to be expected of me either, which is what you did here.

They aren’t a family unit. And the OP’s sons are teens so it’s not like there is the grandparent dynamic. The father is already presumably including OP in his hospitality and Op is his son’s current girlfriend.

On the plus side, this will be one of those events that will go round the family like wildfire especially if the OP kicks off and it will provide much entertainment for years to come

NoisyViewer · Today 08:26

Puplunchcrasher · Yesterday 13:46

Yes it’s rude to bring two other people but I didn’t think.

Them being paid for with my hand on heart, I never gave it a moment’s thought.

While I accept I should not have brought them and offered to pay I would never have done what his father did and don’t want to see the father again.

They have all with exception of SiL met my kids a few times.

Grow up. Don’t want to see his father again. It’s embarrassing because you made it so. You didn’t think to pay for your kids because you assumed. Yes I would have paid for your children if I was the in-laws but I would have noticed the lack of offer from the you to. If your partner talks to his parents that will just make things worse he just needs to apologise and say you both didn’t think. Stop being a red flag. Be an adult

herecomestheairfryer · Today 08:29

Anarchy99 · Today 08:26

They aren’t a family unit. And the OP’s sons are teens so it’s not like there is the grandparent dynamic. The father is already presumably including OP in his hospitality and Op is his son’s current girlfriend.

On the plus side, this will be one of those events that will go round the family like wildfire especially if the OP kicks off and it will provide much entertainment for years to come

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Yes whilst you and I see it that way, it seems the OP didn't. It's good for her in an eye opening way.

Sussexserpents · Today 08:29

This definitely CF territory. Not saying that he shouldn’t have told his son that he needed to pay… but my god your entitlement is astounding! And then to say you don’t want to see him anymore - well I doubt that’s much skin off his nose! You have been accepting free meals from this man and then now your clutching your pearls becuase YOUR kids who YOU are responsible for who hardly know this man were a bit embarrassed by a situation that YOU were fully responsible for.

you are saying it’s not your fault because you were careless but maybe he was careless in not telling you. Get over yourself!

didnttellasoul · Today 08:30

herecomestheairfryer · Today 08:26

Yes exactly. Perhaps the OP thought more though of the situation? She must have if she brought two extra uninvited people to the dinner and expected that her boyfriend's father would foot the bill. This scenario happens a lot on the step parent board.

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I’m struggling to see how anyone could possibly think of your boyfriend of two years, who you don’t live with and will never marry, and your two, teenaged boys by someone else, as a family?!

They won’t even have to see them as a family if they do move in. He would be taking them on; no one else is. And actually, I don’t even think moving in with someone who has children is agreeing to ‘take them on’ unless this is something the person specifically offers to do. As with all these situations, there’s never any discussions; just assumptions and that’s where it all goes wrong.

herecomestheairfryer · Today 08:31

didnttellasoul · Today 08:30

I’m struggling to see how anyone could possibly think of your boyfriend of two years, who you don’t live with and will never marry, and your two, teenaged boys by someone else, as a family?!

They won’t even have to see them as a family if they do move in. He would be taking them on; no one else is. And actually, I don’t even think moving in with someone who has children is agreeing to ‘take them on’ unless this is something the person specifically offers to do. As with all these situations, there’s never any discussions; just assumptions and that’s where it all goes wrong.

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You obviously haven't read the step parent board, this sort of thing happens all the time.