Was I wrong to take my kids to partner’s family’s meal?

[Puplunchcrasher]

This situation happened completely organically I did not give it a moment’s thought I admit I didn’t think it through.

I have been with my partner for two years. He will move in with me next year.

His family seem very nice and when they have met my sons who are mid teens they have been polite.

Every few months his father invites us to a pub lunch and he pays. There is DP, a brother and a sister, and six grandchildren and they are joined by SiL and occasionally BiL.

Yesterday my sons were at home so we brought them, we gave it no thought whatsoever.

They shook hands and everyone was polite. It was a good meal with lots of laughter. DP’s father went to pay and left with his daughter and her children. We had a drink from the bar and went to leave. A young man ran after my eldest son with the bill for my sons’ meals.

I have never been so upset and embarrassed in my life.

I never thought consciously that I would get free meals for my sons but neither would I have not paid for two kids when I was out with my family.

Partner dropped us home and he and his son left. He said he would speak to his dad but I don’t want him to.

It's a touch harsh, but a decent boundary to set.

To pay for the people he invited, not anyone else who tags along unexpectedly

OP, it’s good you have taken some responsibility for your thoughtlessness which is what caused the very regrettable scene whereby a waiter had to run after your son.

I just wondered, - have you ever thought of returning the favour your DP’s father has shown you several times? Have you hosted him in return for his generosity?
Have you ever taken him to one side and thanked him properly and sincerely for including you in family meals?

Please don’t teach your boys that they were wronged by him that day.
Apologise to them for your very passive lack of thought and teach them good manners instead. Take the moral high ground and host your DP and his father at a family meal with your sons, yourself.

People are so tight. It's not like OP brings friends, it's her kids. In other cultures like in Asia it would be unthinkable and frankly embarrassing not to pay for her kids.

This is nothing to do with you. This is an issue between your partner and his dad and he should have had the conversation about who is paying. it is honestly strange you would be having these family lunches and leaving your children at home in the first place. Of course if they are around they would go with you. I’m literally scratching my head that people think that somehow you were rude to bring uninvited guests along. They are your kids, they are an extension of you. They aren’t adults.

It is also weird the dad wouldn’t have paid and said to his son ‘you can cover the 2 boys’ rather than just pay for everyone else and leave those 2. The whole situation is really odd honestly. Do families not talk to each other? I just can’t imagine a situation like this arising in my family.

Yes he did. She didn’t turn up unannounced at the pub alone with her kids. The kids were about so they both went come along with us. The partner absolutely invited the children at as far as I’m concerned at that point, since it is his family, he should have taken responsibility for sorting out paying arrangements with his dad.

But the guy had already been to pay for the meal. So he had to tell them take theirs off the bill and give it to them. Otherwise how would they have known?! They didn’t present the teenage boy with everyone’s bill, only his and the younger brother’s bill.

Exactly it’s a mean thing to do as they’re kids and when they get married, they will be family.

She was expected, the teenagers weren't. Obviously

why didn’t you offer partners dad the money for your sons? How rude of you

I cannot believe you are moaning about this when you are the one in the wrong

pub meals are expenive: maybe your FIL couldnt afford to pay for your sons and was embarrased

If there are two things PPs are good at on Mumsnet, its making up narrative to fit their views, and spending other people's money.

Some people are saying the partner's Dad told the restaurant staff to give the bill to the oldest child. Nowhere does OP say he did that. They might have run after the eldest, but that's different.

Posts like this also seems to get a lot of people saying "Well, x may have rocked up uninvited, but of course whoever's paying for the meal should treat them". Why? It probably cost him a lot of money to pay for the people he actually invited.

Why should someone pay for someone they barely know being brought along by someone else. Yes it could have been dealt with better, but to all these people saying what a tight arse he is - would you really, really, if it was you, not be even in the slightest put out if people you hadn't invited turned up and there was no offer to pay?

The partner invited them though so the partner should have sorted out payment for them.

Then why wouldn’t he have spoken to his son about it and just clarified, hey I’ll be paying for your partner but can you or her cover the 2 children? At which point the son would have gone, sure no problem and he would have paid and sorted it out with the OP later.

Why on earth didn’t the Op and son check with the father before turning up with her teenagers?
Why didn’t the Op and son tell the father they’d pay for her teenagers meals?
Why, when watching the Father pay for the OP’s meal, didn’t the Op or the son check if his father had covered all the meals?
Why didn’t the Op thank him?

Where does it day that? She says we took them along. She doesn't say my partner says bring them along. It's really not the same thing

Op said

Yesterday my sons were at home so we brought them, we gave it no thought whatsoever.

She didn't say that her partner invited them.

They should have told the host that two extras were coming, and offered to pay.

You can’t regularly treat 12 people to dinner out (we’re talking several hundred pounds here) and not be able to afford an extra two meals. It’s not that he had to pay for it but the fact that he asked the pub to take off the meals the sons had, told the pub it was their meals (ie pointed them out) and then calmly left without saying anything, knowing these teenage boys would get stopped by the staff. That’s the mean bit, not that he didn’t pay. If he’d just said to his son “is it okay if you guys cover the bill for the boys” all would have been fine.

I can afford lots of things but other people don't get to decide what I do and don't pay for.

He shouldn't have needed to check with anyone. It should never have been assumed that he was paying

I don't understand why your sons are upset. Did you cause a big scene when asked to pay? You should have paid quickly and discretely then discussed in private with your partner later if you were upset. You should now apologise to your sons if you overreacted and reassure them that this doesn't harm their relationship with your partner's family. I doubt this was a personal thing. Meals are expensive and they weren't invited. Presumably your DPs father thought the tab for the boys meals would be settled at the bar without drama. How much were the boys meals? I'm thinking at least £40. That's a lot to expect someone to fork out for two uninvited guests.

Oh come on that’s semantics. It’s the partner’s family and he knows the dynamics. It was his family meal and he likely knew there would be no issue with the kids coming along which seemingly there wasn’t. It was just who paid on the day where there wasn’t confusion. Why does mumsnet turn ordinary interactions into something more complicated.

if I was having a family meal at a pub and my mate was at a loose end, I would have no qualms about going do you want to join us?. I would expect when the bill came to be paid, I myself (not my mate) would have said ‘hey dad, how do you want to split the bill for sally’ and he would likely say ‘I’ll pay and you can me back after’ at which point I’d ask sally to transfer him £30 or whatever. Or we’d have said hey sally do you want to pay £30 now? I would have absolutely taken responsibility with my family to ensure it got sorted. I wouldn’t have expected sally to start doing negotiations with my family.

look that’s just me. I have a very chill and relaxed family where something like this wouldn’t happen. We are pretty open at paying time and wouldn’t have an issue discussing things like this. I would absolutely have been horrified if my dad had just left sally off the payment, not said anything and then left. I would have absolutely assumed they had paid for sally and I would have called them up after and said hey, how much so I owe you.

so different family dynamics at play here.

I wouldn't have paid for everyone and left the two teen boys out, personally. I would have just sucked it up and judged you for not having even offered to pay for them.

You really were incredibly rude, OP, to just assume a) that they were invited and b) that they would be paid for. Especially the assumption that they would be paid for. Saying that you "didn't think" isn't a valid excuse - you should have thought

You have only been with your DP for 2 years and you don't even live together yet. Obviously your DP's family aren't going to see your kids as part of the family - they probably don't see you like that yet either. You should have checked that they were invited and then offered to pay for their meals.

It depends on your definition of family. The two boys in question could easily be described as Fred’s girlfriend’s children, which is perfectly accurate.

where does this blended family malarkey end?

To summarise this long thread.
Things the dad should have done

1. Some people think the dad should have graciously paid the bill for the teens because they are family (even though OP and her DP are not married, have no plans to marry and are putting off moving in together until her teens are basically past the age of having a step father figure).
2. Some people think the dad should have paid the bill for the teens, seethed quietly, and taken it up with his son/OP afterwards. This would work well in the actual situation where OP has "forgotten" that the meals needed to be paid for, but in the situation where OP was planning to pay for the boys she would have found out that he'd paid already, assumed he was treating them and then had a nasty surprise later (particularly if it was going to come with an undertone of how he hadn't appreciated being put in that position).
3. Some people think that the dad should have had a quiet word with his son/OP at the meal and made it clear he wasn't paying for the boys. Which works fine in this situation, but not in the situation where OP was not intending to be a CF and was fully planning to pay for the boys, as it gives them the impression that he assumes they are going to take advantage of his good nature (insulting to them)

Things the OP/DP should have done

1. Checked in advance that it was ok to bring the boys. If for no other reason than to make sure there was space in the restaurant
2. Made it clear in advance who was paying (which probably would mean them offering to pay for the boys, and dad potentially then saying it was no bother and he'd cover it)
3. Having not done either of those things, had a quiet word with dad at the meal
4. Thanked the dad for paying for the meals. The teens should have thanked him too. At this point he would have said that he hadn't. (OP may have assumed she did this, but if she thanked him for paying and he didn't say that he hadn't; then she absolutely would have put this in her post).
5. Before leaving, checking that everything had been paid for (as an aside - why wouldn't they do that anyway, quite normal with a big group where it seems different people are paying for different things)

The only "dad" scenario that doesn't leave a sour taste is him paying for everything willingly.
Whereas all the OP/DP scenarios would have led to a better outcome.

This is exactly why OP is a CF despite her protestations. She put the dad in a situation where the only non-embarressing/shameful option he had was to pay for everyone and not expect the money back. Putting someone in a situation where you take advantage of their good nature to get something to your benefit is exactly the definition of a CF.

You were the one out of order as you should have thought about the bill. Blaming your FIL for your error in handling this is very childish. If anything your partner should of handled the bill with his dad so you are both to blame.