Was I wrong to take my kids to partner’s family’s meal?

[Puplunchcrasher]

This situation happened completely organically I did not give it a moment’s thought I admit I didn’t think it through.

I have been with my partner for two years. He will move in with me next year.

His family seem very nice and when they have met my sons who are mid teens they have been polite.

Every few months his father invites us to a pub lunch and he pays. There is DP, a brother and a sister, and six grandchildren and they are joined by SiL and occasionally BiL.

Yesterday my sons were at home so we brought them, we gave it no thought whatsoever.

They shook hands and everyone was polite. It was a good meal with lots of laughter. DP’s father went to pay and left with his daughter and her children. We had a drink from the bar and went to leave. A young man ran after my eldest son with the bill for my sons’ meals.

I have never been so upset and embarrassed in my life.

I never thought consciously that I would get free meals for my sons but neither would I have not paid for two kids when I was out with my family.

Partner dropped us home and he and his son left. He said he would speak to his dad but I don’t want him to.

Spot on!

Feel free to ignore my ribbing then - it was not an end in itself, but an attempt to take the sting out of my direct criticism of your position.

As an aside - it would be disappointing if you were weaponising the very important language of consent in this context.

As I said, that’s one way to spin it.

I am indeed fortunate that I have never been so lacking in family and community that I would look to become part of one that lauds taking advantage and cheeky fuckery as virtues. It’s hardly an attractive proposition.

@thestudio

As an aside - it would be disappointing if you were weaponising the very important language of consent in this context.

I don't think I'm weaponising anything? I'm just trying to make it clear that I don't want to be ribbed - making a (hopefully) clear indication that you shouldn't do so again to me. If you were to do it again, in the knowledge that it's not wanted or appreciated, that would be inappropriate.

It's a clear indirect request that you do not engage in any further ribbing of me - nothing more.

I can confirm there will be no further ribbing.

@thestudio

Good. Thank you.

Surely it is only manners to have asked if it was ok to bring along your sons to a meal that is always paid for by him. I am sure had this been done, he would have been happy to pay. I find it rude that it was assumed he would pay, especially as clearly no thank you’s were given as he would have raised the payment issue at this point.

You’re very welcome.

As a further aside - generally online one is free to make one’s point, and others have a corresponding freedom to respond to that point as they wish. On reputable forums personal attacks or abusive language are not permitted of course, but ribbing is not usually something that requires the permission of the ribbee.

I mention this in case you have not visited the internet before.

Two things can be true at the same time, you not offering to cover your own and your sons meals - impolite. I get when something happens regularly enough it become expected but it was an error to not consider that it might annoy someone to bring two extra mouths to feed.

On the other hand, paying for everyone and not your two boys and letting you be chased down is also dickish. He should have said to his son, more the merrier but I can’t cover their meals too, this is a big enough bill already. To purposely exclude them without a private conversation seems like he was trying to prove a point and I think I’d probably skip those meals going forward as I’d know he’d been sat there resenting me bringing my kids and wanted me us to know about it

“I didn’t think” is an explanation but not an excuse. Thinking about things in order to behave appropriately is necessary.

I hate it when people say they “just didn’t think about X”. What people choose to bother to think about says a lot about where they’re willing to place their mental energy.

Your partner’s father could have spoken to you, but wouldn’t that have been worse? More awkward? As it stands it was only awkward when he’d left. I understand you’re upset for your boys, but you’re the one who made this happen. I expect you’re also upset because you thought your families were closer than they are - that must be really hard to accept.

But still, your anger is misplaced. Consider that you have very high expectations of your partner’s father (who should pay for uninvited guests without being consulted) and very low expectations of yourself (who shouldn’t even have to give a moment’s thought to who is paying for her children’s meals).

Honestly I think in a lot of other cultures if the father was paying for the whole family and a partner of a child brought along their own two children they would be paid for at a social occasion like this.

It is an extraordinarily mean and uniquely English attitude to single out step children or children of partners not related and refuse to pay for them. That lack of generosity is just not culturally there in many other societies. Like I said people would be mortified.

I just wonder about all of this - you have described your surprise at having to pay your sons part of the bill as 'thoughtlessness'. Could it that DP's dad was also thoughtless in not asking you to pay for your sons part of the bill, and bringing it to your attention?

Just an idea.

I can genuinely see both sides, FIL should’ve had a quiet word with DP before the bill or let him know. As DP knew the boys were coming with you.

It should’ve occurred to you that an extra two meals on someone footing the bill isn’t ok without notice and paid for them without it ever having to arise.

quite bad manners to be so thoughtless and create this level of imposition. You should’ve offered.

refusing to see him again is childish, it was a cowardly way for him to resolve the issue. But his son can deal with that and tell him to just ask next time. Stop being silly

Only you and DP know if he is the sort of man who was trying to embarrass you and make your children feel unwelcome or if he just expected you to pay.

This entire situation can be solved with an adult conversation. Much better that dodging and ducking because of a perceived slight.

Even if the children were unexpected at the meal? Would that be acceptable? Just turn up unannounced and get a free meal?

I think OP's partner should've offered to pay and sorted it with his dad discreetly.

It’s my fault that my sons were upset and embarrassed but I could not do what his father did.

YAB completely unreasonable.

It was a family meal. Your DP should’ve asked his father if he could bring you and your sons. If the father was OK with that, you and your DP should have expected to pay for them. Quite simple.

IMHO, the father did nothing wrong only paying for his DC and GC, as usual. Your sons are NOT his GC. He was already paying for a lot of people and meals are expensive. Is he a pensioner? How well off is he?

Even leaving that aside, it’s the principle. If people invite you for a meal out, you should expect to pay for yourself. You should’ve gone up to pay at the end of the meal. Then your sons wouldn’t have been asked. Though I’ve no idea why they’d feel rejected or embarrassed when asked to pay for their own meals! It’s perfectly reasonable.

Why are you critical of the father for not paying for your sons? You should be grateful he paid for you. Why is your DP agreeing with you? Were you critical in front of your sons on the way home? If so, what is that teaching them? To be freeloaders and have no manners.

Kindly, you say you’d never have done what the father did. He sounds a very generous man. Do you mean you’d have paid for all your own family and two young people who weren’t even expected to come? Kindly, that’s hard to believe when you didn’t even pay for you and your sons this time and, instead, appear to have sat there passively expecting others to pay for everything.

You and your sons were welcomed and embraced at a family meal. You had a lovely time. None of you were rejected.

You poor thing, I can imagine how embarrassed you were. It would have been better had you asked in advance if it was OK to take the boys, and volunteered payment but having someone run out of the restaurant after you was awful. In your partner's dad's place, I'd have just paid; after all your two sons are going to be part of their family soon.

All over now, I hope your partner doesn't say anything.

You assumed he would pay as you just were not thinking. He assumed you would pay for your guests as he didn't invite them. Don't complicate things further. Why are you allowed to be thoughtless and he isn't?

It’s my fault that my sons were upset and embarrassed but I could not do what his father did.

He's done nothing wrong. YABVVU.

He doesn't owe you a free lunch, but he has kindly paid for you a number of times anyway. Rather than be grateful, you've got the arse because he didn't pay for your sons as well.

If he had invited them and not paid for them I might see your point, but he didn't. Your thoughtlessness doesn't make him the villain.

It's 100% your fault. You are entirely to blame for your sons being upset and embarrassed.

You took it for granted he would pay the whole bill for your family because he has been kind enough to pay for you a number of times. If that isn't cheeky-fuckery of the worst order, I don't know what is.

You are being very unreasonable indeed.

I can understand why you feel offended but you should never have taken anyone, children or not, uninvited. That’s very rude. As you did, you should have thought to pay the bill for the three of you before the rest of the bill was paid for.

Why? He didn’t invite the children.

I agree that it is mean behaviour but I don't think it's a cultural thing. I am English and wouldn't have dreamt not to have paid. I genuinely can't think of any friends or family too who wouldn't have a) been pleased the kids were brought along in this very established relationship and b) paid without a second thought.

When we feel our child is slighted or hurt we feel absolutely gutted. Because you feel so emotional about it, have you projected that on to your boys? It was just a misunderstanding. You say that you had no expectation that your boys would be paid for, and had the card reader come to the table you would have offered. Your DP’s Dad has not chosen to pay for your boys, possibly because I he thought their inclusion turned it from his treat into a go Dutch. He might not have given it much thought. He didn’t know that you would forget and that your son getting stopped would bring the payment issue into sharp focus.
I would (if I could afford it) pay for all the guests in a heartbeat - I wouldn’t want any teens at my table to feel slighted, but I’m sensitive about this one as my parents split up and I had step relatives - I know that feeling of not being sure that I belonged or was wanted.
Don’t stop talking to your partner’s Dad - just be aware that as families blend people can have all sorts of different understandings about what this means without having any ill intent. People often post on MN with these dilemmas. Good luck.

Throughout all of this all I’m imagining is this guy going to pay the bill and saying “take those two boys’ bills off, they can pay for themselves”. Nobody here thinks that’s a kind of cruel thing to do?