Was I wrong to take my kids to partner’s family’s meal?

[Puplunchcrasher]

This situation happened completely organically I did not give it a moment’s thought I admit I didn’t think it through.

I have been with my partner for two years. He will move in with me next year.

His family seem very nice and when they have met my sons who are mid teens they have been polite.

Every few months his father invites us to a pub lunch and he pays. There is DP, a brother and a sister, and six grandchildren and they are joined by SiL and occasionally BiL.

Yesterday my sons were at home so we brought them, we gave it no thought whatsoever.

They shook hands and everyone was polite. It was a good meal with lots of laughter. DP’s father went to pay and left with his daughter and her children. We had a drink from the bar and went to leave. A young man ran after my eldest son with the bill for my sons’ meals.

I have never been so upset and embarrassed in my life.

I never thought consciously that I would get free meals for my sons but neither would I have not paid for two kids when I was out with my family.

Partner dropped us home and he and his son left. He said he would speak to his dad but I don’t want him to.

Or she thought that if she just brought them along the man would feel obliged to pay.

Seriously - who turns up to a restaurant with two extra people and then moans that the host won’t pay?

If I was the father I would exclude the OP from any future events or expect my son to pay for her and her children. Taking advantage of someone is not a good look.

And when people bemoan the decline of manners these days - this is where it happens.

You keep forgetting that these teenagers weren't invited nor had anyone asked or even said that they were coming.
For a party as large as the family meal was planned for the table will have to have been booked in advance and a deposit paid, there was no guarantee that the restaurant could accommodate the extra two uninvited guests, what would have happened if they were told sorry but we are fully booked and can't add extra guests on the day at service time? Also how does it look to people and make the teenagers feel included by seeing extra places/tables and chairs having to be moved and set up after they arrive.
This whole mess came about because a plus 1 decided to bring uninvited guests with her on the day and expected someone else to pay for them

The script is always the same; yes. The person bringing previous children to the table assumes the new IL’s need to see them all as family, and come on MN to whine when this does in fact not manifest. Extra points if the other parent is not in the picture, and they somehow think this adds more bearing on the IL’s to step into their place.

No because then the OP would moan that she was publicly humiliated in front of the rest of the family.

He dealt with it brilliantly - didn’t cause a fuss and didn’t let OP get away with taking the piss.

I still struggle to understand why she wouldn’t have said at the outset ‘I hope you don’t mind that I have brought Billy and Johnny along - we will of course pay for their meal’.

Or in fact why she felt the need to bring two uninvited people in the first place.

I was responding to the question "How could the dad have handled this [in a non passive-aggressive way] without paying the OP's share of the bill?".

My point is, even if we accept OP was 100% in the wrong and CF of the century (which I do not accept, but let's say for the sake of argument, that is a given) it was still a pass-agg and unkind way for her DP's dad to handle it which must have been calculated rather than an oversight, in order to remember specific items to knock off a lengthy bill.

• He could have said when they arrived "Let's get separate bills, it will be easier"

• He could have spoken to OP/her partner when the bill came along and simply let them know their share.

• He could have had a quiet word with his son during the course of the meal.

• He could have taken the route of paying and then messaging his son later to let him know what their share was.

But instead of communicating with his son, he chose to do this in a way that would inevitably cause embarrassment by not making it clear two meals were excluded.

This also in my view sends a message to the OP that she should not regard herself as 'family'. Whatever the rights and wrongs of that, the fact remains that if you feel you are regarded as 'family' - even 'extended family' and suddenly find out you are not, that is going to hurt.

OP and her sons were put in a humiliating position. I remember over 30 years ago I was at a big restaurant with friends, we were waiting to be served and for a couple of people to join us. I got up and went out to check they were not waiting for us outside (no mobile phones in those days) and got chased by a waiter who thought I was doing a runner- he'd mixed me up with someone else - I still feel embarrassed at the memory.

i wouldn’t do it either but I don’t think it’s reasonable to get upset over it either. He was already paying for many people. Your kids aren’t babies theyre at an age to understand the dynamics of blended families. They haven’t got that connection to your FIL as they would their own grandparents.

I do get how this has probably destabilised how you feel about where you sit within your partners family. Are you seen in a different light to the other in-laws. I don’t know and can’t comment because there’s a world of context we aren’t privy to. Like how long you’ve been together, how serious it feels & the type of man you’re with etc they’ve only met your kids a few times. I think his dad was showing his boundaries by not paying for the boys and that may have been as something as simple as don’t take advantage of my kindness. He may have just wanted something as simple as a heads up they were coming. I think assuming there’d be room for your lads was a risk. 2 extra places often means another table is needed.

Another option the OP would have had when she realised her boys would be home is to have said to her partner she wouldn't be able to come to the family meal this time..that is when her DP could have stepped in and said I will call my dad and see if there is space.
That way the dad would have known in advance and could have said yep the more the merrier, but can we do sperate bills, or sorry the table is booked for X amount and i don't think they can change it. Will see OP next time.

Why is on him to do any of these things?

The boys wouldn’t have been embarrassed if the OP hadn’t assumed the meal was free.

Why is that humiliating? That's a nonsense argument.

Even if in some weird alternative universe, a matter-of-fact 'this is your share' is regarded as humiliating, it's still a heck of a lot less humiliating than a waiter coming after you because they think you're leaving without paying!

I don't think anyone comes out of this covered in glory tbh. I've never (as an adult) been out for a meal and not considered how it was going to be paid for - if I was bringing my dc to what is effectively someone else's event, I'd have had some kind of conversation with my boyfriend, to clear it with his dad (the host) and offer payment for my kids' meals.

That being said, I totally get why you wanted to bring the dc - they are your family unit and after 2 years it's not unreasonable to want to start mixing them into the wider unit you are establishing with your boyfriend. You rightly don't want to be seen by boyfriends family as linked to him but with your dc being 'other'.

In the boyfriend's dad's position, I can't imaging paying for everyone and excluding your two - he made a point of 'othering' your children and that stings. Personally, I think he was also spectacularly rude - the British way is to pay it and then grumble up his spouse about it later and to keep an eye on you as a potential CF 😁
But in all seriousness, he's letting you know that he doesn't see your dc as part of his family unit and doesn't want you making assumptions. It was a bit unnecessary and unkind imo.

I think you are going to have to step back and really think and talk with your boyfriend about how you see this blending of family working out. Some families are 'all in' and don't differentiate between blood and step, but your kids are teens, not little ones and so I don't see this happening. Will your boyfriend's family always view your kids as separate and how will you as a couple negotiate 'family' events. Will your bf encourage his parents to see you all as one unit, if you marry, or will he be okay with you and he being seen as part of his wider family, but not your dc.

Blending is a minefield and you could reframe this as an uncomfortable but useful eye opener to help you focus on what you truly want and can accept in the future.

Op you say you couldn’t imagine doing what the dad did, which is fair enough. But many of us here and probably the dad couldn’t imagine what YOU did. So your point isn’t really valid you’re at a standstill.

You have no excuse for what you did and that is probably why the dad acted like he did.

You should apologise to your sons and explain that this was your fault and that you and your DP will do your best to put right.

Agree with others that your DP is also at fault for not asking his dad prior to the meal.

If there is more than one way to handle a situation, any decent human being should choose the kindest way.

Admittedly I’m only part way through the thread, but why would ‘I was completely thoughtless, didn’t think about how any of my actions would have consequences’ be any kind of defense?
to me the thought process of sneakily getting someone else to pay for your meal is no worse than not thinking about it at all and just assuming they would.

But that would give them away as not even attempting to pay for themselves and just assuming the dad would.

I think the best thing to do would be to ask in future before bringing additional people (even if you disagree because the boys should be seen as family, they need to check the restaurant can accommodate 2 more), and OP pay for herself and her children or at least offer to.

It would have been kind if f the OP said thank you for her meal or checked if it was ok for her DC to go.

She was completely in the wrong, I imagine the dad was really cross with the whole situation.

It may be kind - but I really don’t see why the OPs father is obligated to pay for 2 people he didn’t know were coming. Why should he be put out financially? He was put in a difficult position by OP and her boyfriend and maybe he didn’t handle the best but responsibility has to lie with the people who caused the situation. OP is clearly lying that she ‘didn’t even think’ - she absolutely went expecting someone to pay for her children and never checked because she assumed. If she had genuinely not thought about it she would have been mortified by her actions but as per her OP she put all blame on her boyfriends father

I agree - but the kindest way was for the OP not to bring along two uninvited people and for her not to expect someone else to pay.

I know, and all these “the DP’s dad should have been kinder in the way he handled it” posts? I can’t believe on MN of all places that people are saying CFery should be accommodated with kindness. Usually it’s all guns blazing, humiliate the Fer for being so C.

The issue here is the presumption. You do not live together, this is your boyfriend and you knew this was a family meal that he paid for, you then brought your children without asking him and you clearly expected them to be paid for. You didn’t even offer

and now you’re attacking him as he didn’t pay for them, why on earth would he.

you owe him an apology, tell him it was thoughtless of you to not confirm bringing your kids and you should have offered to pay

I'm wondering this - restaurant booking for a party of that size must have been made well in advance and invites communicated by FIL to his family members, who presumably would have confirmed if they could come.
OP and DP presumably knew her DS's would be with them on that date so why did they leave it until the day to just turn up with them unannounced.
Did the restuarant have to hurriedly make up 2 extra place settings ?

We don't know if FIL was annoyed about the OP's DS's being there there at his family meal full stop. Or if it was becuase they turned up without asking beforehand. Or was it not their presence that bothered him but the extra cost ?

Agree - think it’s ‘organically’ segued into cheeky fucker territory

Imagine if you went for a meal with your DP, your DC, and maybe just DP’s brother. You all eat your meal, then after, DP and his brother are having drinks at the bar. DP pays for his drinks, and DP’s brother pays for his drinks and his meal. He leaves. When you go to leave, someone chases you with a bill because you forgot to pay for your meals.

Nobody has wronged you, you forgot to pay for your meals. Silly you not thinking. Nobody else would possibly be accused of doing anything wrong at all here would they?

Now imagine, that actually, before he left, DP’s brother had also paid half of your own meals, say, for you and DP, just not your DC’s meals. Would you come on here complaining he had humiliated you and you never want to see him again?

I’m trying to imagine I was the dad and I think it was the presumption that would bother me. I think I would be surprised to see them there and wait and hope that either the OP or her DP would have a quiet word and say hope it’s ok the boys are here they really wanted to come and of course we’ll pay for the meals.

It sounds like he was kind to them, the shaking the hand etc.

Yes if the genders were reversed there would be some very different responses.

i think the cf behaviour is made even worse by the fact the op is doubling down on this, instead of saying shit I messed up I need to apologise, I dint even live with this guy and I brought my kids without asking and didn’t offer to pay, she’s laying it on thick about how he was out of line and he should have paid as she would,

which is a bit rich as she didn’t even offer to pay for her own kids.