DH refusing to look after the kids whilst working from home!

[Beckyboo8]

It’s half term and we both work from home in senior management jobs! DH is in the bedroom working from home and is refusing to have the kids in the room while he’s working and he’s refusing to help look after them during his working hours! So I’m having to work from home at the dining table while having to look after 3 going children with SEN! I feel like I’m going insane already and it’s only Monday! AIBU to think DH should also help look after the kids whilst working from home?

I can’t put my children in a holiday club because of their SEN! The last holiday club they were in wouldn’t have them because they couldn’t manage their autism and their meltdowns.

Senior management but every sentence ends in !? Nah

Nobody should be WFH and doing childcare. Pay someone like the rest of us.

@ElanaohElana but OP isn’t taking any financial hit. Neither are they paying for any SEN level childcare nor have either parent reduced their working hours to do any of the childcare themselves.

I think most people once they knew their children were SEN would look at their work schedule. Without any SEN the whole situation is unworkable.

@Beckyboo8can I ask how you respond when your “D”H states that his job is more important than yours? Have you reminded him that you are the higher earner? What does he say then? Because actually, your job is more important since if you lost your job, your family income will drop by more than if he lost his.

Also, you need a long term solution as midterm break is just one small break throughout the whole school year. Have you looked into getting a nanny as childcare? Or other childcare options? You say you tried one before but did you give up then when it didn’t work out?

Can you take over the office upstairs? Move all his shit out? Make him work on the dining table.

exactly - bet she is a pass the buck manager too - always complaining whining and never does anything about it. Bet her team loves her 🙄

I’ve told DH to see if he can get annual leave for the rest of the week (tomorrow and Friday) and after some arguing about it this morning he’s agreed to “see what I can do” (his words) today.

You need to sit down ready for next year and map out who does what school holidays, his got no choice but to take time off. I don’t usually take a full week but will take 2/3 days off and I do generally wfh one of the days but I think 5 days to keep them inside is intense.

First reply nails it.

Agreed. This had to be done as it cannot continue as it is.

Well he won’t do it will he and for the record, I am so pleased that neither of you ‘work’ for me.

This!
And until OP and DH agree to shell out for some specialised care for the children, this will continue happening during every school holiday.
I pity the employer.

Show this whole thread to your husband. He doesn't give a monkeys about your thoughts and opinions. He wants to keep things exactly the way they are and he's not going to budge. He doesn't respect your views or career. He is not a true partner in this relationship and he's not being a great dad as he clearly can't see what his kids need.

What a prince.

OP you need to get yourself a backbone and tell your husband how it is. He walks all over you because you let him.

At least he’s a better employee than OP. They both need to get their shit together and one that doesn’t involve doing childcare when they’re supposed to be working. And unless between them they have enough annual leave to cover school holidays etc, the answer isn’t merely to split childcare when they’re supposed to be working

How does that help with childcare?

As if a bunch of anonymous people on Mumsnet are going to make him think his behaviour is wrong!!

He doesn't care about his wife or children, why on earth do you think he cares about what we say??!

Look honestly both of you sound a bit shit.

Your DH because he’s completely avoiding the issue and sounds selfish as hell.

You because you seem completely passive and unwilling to address the situation. Multiple posts “Yes I know my husband’s a shit dad and my SEN kids are having a crap holiday!!!!”.

Your kids are already vulnerable if they are SEN. It’s down to you to raise merry hell about the situation with your DH, yes including telling him you’ll split the household by leaving him, in your children’s best interests.

Personally in your position I’d be telling him that he either takes leave to cover 50% of holidays going forward or pays for a nanny, or you’ll be taking an unpaid sabbatical from work and then divorce him for unreasonable behaviour and screw him for every penny you can in maintenance.

He's not going to see what he can do. He wont even ask will just tell you its been declined

Seriously what does he bring to the relationship?

There's an element of your husband trying to have his cake and eat it here. He doesn't want to take the financial hit of childcare, but doesn't want to take time off. He needs to grow up a bit. The only time you should really work with a child at home is in an emergency situation, not routinely asin the holidays.

You need a frank chat with your husband and your employers about your circumstances and how you can work flexibly to accommodate your children's needs. He will probably say his employer won't accommodate, but they have to by law I think. So sort your half of the holidays out, he can then sort his with his employer. If he doesn't want to take his leave in school holidays he can look after them whilst working instead. You have to force him to take responsibility so this will involve him doing a crap job looking after them and leaving him to it, but it is the only way he'll learn. You may need to go into the office for your half where you are working. I'd just lie to him and say you are getting into trouble, so it needs to be sorted.

You could also work longer days or different shifts to get more hours leave in the holidays, or just have a contract where you have a few extra unpaid weeks each a year.

How severe are your children's needs? Are you claiming DLA if your children's needs meet the threshold? That might cover some of the additional costs if SEN childcare costs you more than a non SEND child. Your councils local offer webpage will show childcare options for SEND places. I do understand as my son's needs are complex (as in severe LD) and there is an expectation that a parent in the household isn't working with SEN kids. You just don't have childcare options like a lot of the posters on this thread seem to think. Most holiday clubs are for very high functioning SEN, not kids who have behaviour issues or may need 1 to 1.

Ignore the hysteria on here and make a plan. You've been forced into what you are doing by stealth, but you need to put your foot down now.

I will put my guess in now that your husband's 'see what I can do' will amount to nothing.

Oh I don't think it'll change him at all. He just needs to see it's not just OP who thinks he should pull his finger out, pull his socks up and do his bit as a parent. Can't see him making any changes because he doesn't want to and he's not listened to the OP.

I still don't know how it's such a surprise to him at this point - there are 3 of them - this must've been going on for years?!

Honey - you are going to need to suck this up and force it. Either he sorts the childcare position, you start working from the office or you divorce and put him on child support. It's not fair on you, it's not fair on the kids and it's not fair on your employer. Rope in parents and siblings in law and friends if he won't listen to you. Time for strike I think

He'll either forget to ask or he will say they said no...

My thoughts exactly.

Does he have any redeeming features @Beckyboo8 ? I guess you must have seen something in him to have three children with him, but I am struggling to see what the attraction was given the way you describe him.

Once you have covered this week you need to sit him down with the future school holidays and get him to book annual leave if he refuses then you need to refuse to do anything personal for him. Remember he got the easy part of getting you pregnant he doesn’t get to choose when he looks after his own children it’s a team effort. Nip it in the bud now op.

It seems odd this has become an issue at a small half term holiday and not over the summer. You need a child minder for the holidays