Would you have another child with a man this age and with these risks?

[Kuui]

I have one dd age 5. I haven’t been with her father pretty much since she was born, though he’s involved in her life. Dare I say I have quite an easy life, financially and support wise but I have been lonely romantically and always wanted more than one child.

I didn’t really think the option would ever come up again as I’m now 39. But in February I met a lovely, kind and decent man who was 46 (47 in January). He would like a child but has been clear it’s entirely my decision and he wants to be with me whatever. He’s spent time with dd but I’ve been careful and slow with that and it’s been quite recent.

In my heart of hearts I would love another. Of course who knows if it would even happen. But I have concerns about our ages and about any impact on dd.

I feel so conflicted and know that if we do this it needs to be within the next year or so. Would you?

Even people who lived together split up.
50 is not to old to be a father. Plenty of older dads have kids and sometimes they are better than younger dads.

I think 68 is pretty old to be attending university open days and it’s unlikely they’d see their DGC.

Nothing is certain in this life.

No adult man you've known for 2 minutes should be around your DD. It's not like predators walk around with a label on their forehead

You had your fourth child at a similar age to what op is contemplating, not your first (first him) /second (for op), so at least you knew what to expect, plus were living together. The dp in this situation has never had children-and op has ignored/refuses to answer all the questions as to whether he has a lazy layabout, successful businessman, flat shares, owns a mansion, divorced or been unlucky in relationships.

Yes, have a baby with someone you’ve 7/8 months ago. What could possibly go wrong

Yes, my lovely DH was 47 when our second DD was conceived

Bollocks

This may be the case when very young. As the years go on the gap changes. There is 8 years between me & my brother. Since he turned 18 we've been like best friends. People mistake him as the older sibling.

I think the new relationship aspect is the iffiest element of this.

I was 43 when DD3 arrived (DH was 46). My pregnancy was smooth, and although I had to be induced just before her due date due to my “advanced maternal age”, my labour was pretty straightforward- no other interventions or even stitches! She is now nearly 9 months and whilst I’m possibly more tired than with the other two, I certainly don’t feel too old.

Although we’ve now got quite an age gap, our DDs (11 and 8) are loving being big sisters, and are independent enough for me to feel like my attention isn’t being split 3 ways the entire time.

Our oldest daughter (born when I was 33) has Down’s syndrome so we’re kinda resigned to our active parenting responsibilities to be for the long haul!

Me neither
there’s some right horrors on various threads at the moment

This. ^ People simply don't think ahead do they? Having a father who is knocking the door of 70 - and will look it - when they're at University is a bit embarrassing for a young person at Uni.

I know it is, because I know several people who have older dads.

One girl who my DD went to Uni with started Uni when her dad was 67. He was 49 when she was born. Her mum was 45 when she was born. All her life she has felt like they're her grandparents, and everyone has always thought they were her grandparents.

There's no getting away from the fact that if someone has a baby in their late 40s/near to 50, that most people are going to think the baby is their grandchild. Everyone who had babies in the mid 40s will claim that has never happened, but people will be thinking it. When they see a 50 year old with a child in nursery, they will think it's their grandchild. Sorry, but people aren't going to think you're their mum and dad.

This is your life. We only get one go at this, then it's all over, done. There is no do over. I have dealt with so much death over the last 5 years it has really put things into perspective. Do what makes your heart happy. You don't need validation from any other person around whether this is the right decision for you and your daughter, you really don't. No one knows your circumstances, no one knows a thing about your relationship, your daughter, or you. I know you are simply asking for advice, but please don't make a decision based on the opinions of others. Just trust your instincts and follow your heart. Wishing you lots of luck x

Ps - My sister had her second child at 42 (husband 49) and they don't regret a thing. There is a 16 year age gap between their two and they are enjoying parenthood so much more at this stage in their life.

I say this as someone who has been single for 5 years and not so much as looked at another man because I know that my children would not cope with all that involves (not just meeting a new partner, but the amount of energy that a new relationship takes) - if you truly want another child and you could cope if your partner was suddenly not in the picture at all, then go for it.
Obviously make sure you consider all of the potential difficulties with bringing another child into this situation, but if you are happy and think these are manageable then I really don't see why not. It is your family and your decision.

I would. If he wants to be a dad and seems like he’d make a good father based on his personality and how he treats your daughter, he’s going to be a hell of a lot better dad than the thousands of other drop kick men who end up with kids every year.

Don’t be too sure that she will be overjoyed by a half-sibling created with a new man in her life.
My DD has made it perfectly clear that she would hate it if I had a baby with her stepfather (who has been in her life since she was two). I always thought she was joking because she’d say it with humour but now she’s a teenager (and I suffered with secondary infertility), she sticks by it - that she would have hated it. She has no idea we were trying & we chose not to go down the IVF route because I never wanted DD to feel that she wasn’t enough.

Hard to hear but also reassuring that we are family enough for her.

I don't think 46 is too old at all, there are plenty of women (and men) who have kids in their 40s. He's hardly a pensioner. I think the real issue is the relationship itself and how he gets on with your daughter. I would definitely give it a bit more time to be sure it's the right decision.

At least wait a bit longer to see what he’s like with your DD. That will be an indicator at least. I think you have a romanticised view of having another baby with this man, but it’s not something you can undo easily so I’d be taking it slow.

We are not talking about going on holiday, this is bringing a child into the world and bringing an unknown man into the life of an existing child. People should be giving it more thought. Not #yolo #followyourheart

The man who get these women pregnant every year, mostly do so because the women believe they are a decent person and would make a decent father.
A few months later, their true colours come out.

OP has no idea if this man is a good person, what he’d be like as a father and how he is around her DD as he’s only met her 3 times on walks.

Perhaps once he starts staying over and she sees what he’s like when he’s tired or hungry or how he acts when DD has made a mess or is being loud in the home etc, then she can see what he’d be like to live with FT and tie herself too him.

I think the age thing is a massive concern.
I’d feel sorry for any 16yo who has a 70yo parent.

But OP needs to consider what happens if he becomes abusive or leaves and leaves her with a young child to raise or wants to take the child and be the residential parent and limit OPs access to it etc.

Men can have children and not worry but women really need to weigh these things up.

After 6 months she barely knows him still and they should at least consider moving in together first.

I do not believe OP wants another child and it’s him that is pushing for it - but that doesn’t even mean he actually wants one, often that is a form of love bombing.

No. The fact that he says it’s very much your decision seems half hearted on his part. How hands on is he going to be ? It doesn’t sound like he really wants a child. Why has he not had children up to now ? Does he need somewhere to live so he is telling you what you want to hear ? Be careful that you are not being love bombed when you say you’ve never felt like this before, you haven’t known him very long to be making such a big decision. Your daughter is still very young and needs to come first, you need to really get to know him before he lives with her. Him saying it’s up to you does not sound like there is much commitment on his part.

That’s untrue. So so many women marry and have kids with utter shitstains of men because they want a child. Not because they’re so thick as to think Gary who’s been in and out of jail for ten years and is banned from seeing his other kids is a good person. I’ve seen it on threads here too - OP describes an utter wanker but wants a second child and people advise her to go ahead and then get divorced later.
The age really is a non issue and the child won’t be 16 with a 70 year old dad, he will be 16 with a dad in his early 60s and it’s really not as abnormal as people make it out to be.

Where did i say i fell pregnant within 6 weeks of meeting him? I said seeing him. Knew him for years before. Dont be do judgemental

My friend met her husband when they were similar ages to you both. They are now 44 & 51 and married with a 4 year old and a 2 year old. They are all happy, healthy and thriving. Both parents have very healthy lifestyles which I think helps. They got engaged a year into the relationship and they married and had the first baby the following year so didn’t hang around but there wasn’t an existing DC to consider.

I think your plan to see how the relationship develops over the next year is sound. You can also continue to gradually allow your child to get to know your partner in an appropriate way. If you are absolutely sure about him by the start of 2028, you will have been a couple for nearly 2 years and can decide if you want to move forward. You should live together for at least 6 months before TTC. The important thing is to keep your eyes open, do your due diligence and be honest with yourself. He may be a decent guy and I hope he is, but don’t allow your desires cloud your judgement.

Good luck!

Erm, its still early doors in this relationship. My fertility dropped off a cliff after 37. We tried for years and now i am 46 and no more babies. Your daughter may not get on well with this person in the long run and then what... worst case scenario 2 kids, two dads involved or no involved with their kids and you are lonely again. Id see if the relationship has legs first and then yes, it maybe too late but strong stable relationship and family unit for me and my daughter would be the priority I suppose. I mean I am not you.