Would you have another child with a man this age and with these risks?

[Kuui]

I have one dd age 5. I haven’t been with her father pretty much since she was born, though he’s involved in her life. Dare I say I have quite an easy life, financially and support wise but I have been lonely romantically and always wanted more than one child.

I didn’t really think the option would ever come up again as I’m now 39. But in February I met a lovely, kind and decent man who was 46 (47 in January). He would like a child but has been clear it’s entirely my decision and he wants to be with me whatever. He’s spent time with dd but I’ve been careful and slow with that and it’s been quite recent.

In my heart of hearts I would love another. Of course who knows if it would even happen. But I have concerns about our ages and about any impact on dd.

I feel so conflicted and know that if we do this it needs to be within the next year or so. Would you?

In addition to the things mentioned by PPs, his don't mind either way attitude would bother me. I know you're seeing it as a plus that it's 'entirely up to you', but personally I wouldn't want to have a child with a man who sees fatherhood in these terms. Because what's he really saying here? I don't want a child enough to actually say so, but I'm happy enough to father one if you want one. I'd want a bit more active enthusiasm for the idea myself. Especially from a childfree man who's going to be in his 50s during the tough times.

But you WILL leave your daughter alone with him at some point and why hasnt he had kids already and im sure hes set in his way,.will he be lovely if you are told baby may have downs syndrome, will he be lovely if you are ill for 9 months, will he be lovely if he feels trapped and you dont want sex for months after giving birth, will he be lovely when he loves his child more than yours, and whats his relationship history and why is he single

You only live once and feel this relationship is long-term. Go for it. Even if you split up, neither of you will have regrets about having a child.

I think men that age can definitely have a romantic idea of their legacy in a child.
Sadly the reality at 50 is often vastly different and it is the women who bear the huge cost of childcare, salary and pension being hit.
Obviously existing children are hugely negatively impacted if their mother is suddenly responsible for paying for childcare to continue working.

Too many women are beggered by having children with men, even professional women with careers.
Children are very expensive.

Are you thinking of marriage?
Has he offered it?
It is absolutely batshit to consider having a child with a man that isn't absolutely committed to marriage, sharing assets etc.

Have you met his family?
Threads upon threads about the hugely negative impact on the first child being treated as less than by the new partner and his family.
They often do not see the mothers child as family and it can have really profound negative affects on them.

What are his family like?
Often women have no idea of this until the new baby arrives and they want family photos, outings, weddings with only the blood child included.

If you care for your child you will think long and hard before you blow up their lives.
I would get her a kitten and keep what you have safe.
The fact he is leaving it up to you means he is only reasonably committed to the idea which is fine.

What would you do if when pregnant he changed his mind?

All of these scenarios are real and have left women screwed.

Protect what you have is my advice.

Also do a detailed worst case scenario cost analysis of what a child would cost YOU.

Mat leave, childcare if he left, exactly what his child maintenance would be if he walked away.

The number of women on MN genuinely stunned at how little men have to pay, and how they might see a baby once a fortnight, if at all, is astounding.
This is always a possibility.

Women carry the cost of children and therefore must do their due diligence before even considering it.

Sadly many don't and find out the hard way.

You're still in the honeymoon phase of the relationship. It's always sweet at that stage, but living together, the pressures of children, natural differences haven't been worked out. It would only be wise to have a child with him if you're honest with yourself about how you'd feel being a single mum with a difficult child. Later babies are more likely to have SEND needs, so if I was weighing this up I'd bring that into the equation too. It could still be the right thing to do for you, but go into it hoping for the best but imagining the worst, and then see how you feel.

” it’s nothing like you’ve experienced before” maybe but that means nothing, the worst kinds of abusers will appear like the best relationship you’ve ever had. Give it a couple of years, once you know him better and if nature says yes then the stars will have aligned. Rushing into irresponsible choices because you ‘might’ be less fertile in a couple of years isn’t the way to go here. Plenty of women have babies throughout their forties

When was this proven? I was listening to a talk by professor Robert Winston the other day and he didn’t mention this. He did talk about declining egg quality but said that sperm became less potent but not faulty as effectively sperm is made continually throughout a man’s life unlike eggs which we are born with

Absolutely not you barely know him. Not fair to a potential child.

Pretty much what I was going to say. Plus he’s not THAT old, sometimes slightly older men make great Dad’s. Most of the comments seem very down on you and overly critical. I’d say trust your own judgement and sending you lots of luck!

Go for it! You know when you've met the right person. I met my husband in August and we married the following June. Everything is going well in your life - enjoy.

Its far too soon to think about having a child with someone you've known less than a year.
You dont even live together yet.
Slow down.

I don't think 46 is too old. Kids keep you young.

I personally wouldn't call it blended family anyway if he doesn't have children himself.
And I think your daughter is young enough for her to not really remember a before.

My husband is older and was 46 when we had our first, 47 our second, and 49 our 3rd and I don't regret a second because he's an excellent dad.. but we had been together for a good while. He had other children but I didn't so that dynamic worked. Not so sure the other way...

Look at this from the other perspective /
the mans.

He is saying having a child, a life changing decision, is “your choice”. I am suprised he doesn’t have a very very strong opinion about it, as he has to contribute emotional and financially for the remainder of his life. That shouldn’t be something he enters lightly. The fact it’s “your choice” and you’ve been together for very little time is a concern to me.

You say your daughter has met him 3 times. How can you contemplate a baby with him when you have zero clue what he would even be like as a father figure because you haven’t seen what type of role he would play with your DD and the relationship dynamics that would play out.

This is a ridiculous idea - accidents happen, which is one thing, but to actively plan it if your current circumstance is bizarre.

Sorry I should have been clear in my OP that im not considering this as in tomorrow! I’d be waiting at least a year before properly considering it. I just wanted to know initial thoughts. Daydreaming if it continues to go well, I suppose

No way in hell would I contemplate having a kid with someone after six months! This is insanity!

Kids do not keep you young. Babies are bloody knackering and wear you out. Kids are wonderful but they definitely don't "keep you young".

I couldn't face a newborn at pushing 50 (if he's 47 when you start trying he'll be 48 at least when a baby is born). Just wouldn't have the energy.

Not only does sperm count lower significantly past 45 so does the risk of miscarriage through older men's sperm, and more genetic damage.

It's possible to be an older father but I don't think it's wise.

My Dd was born when I was 42 and father 53, no problems at all, in fact I think because she was brought up with older parents she was more placid and calm, but that could just be her temperament. Anyway it hasn't harmed her at all, she's 23 with a law degree and a legal career, she's very happy

My husbands dad was in his mid sixties when my husband was born.

Your 39 and already have a 5 year old. He is almost 47 with no children. You have been dating 6 months and you want to have a 2 nd child. You told us that your daughter would like a like sibling. I think that you want another child and it hormones and what you want.

A man of 47 with no kids has no idea of what having a baby or getting though the baby and toddler stage is really like. It hard work. It a sudden life change and you not getting enough sleep. I think that some men like the idea of a baby like a child wants a dog. The fact he said it up to you when you bought up having another child in time makes me think is this something he really wants or has thought about the long term implications of? He could be 50 before you have a child and his child could still be in secondary school when he retires. The reality is that now most kids go to university and need financial support up to the age of 22/23.
I have friends with kids at this stage and it's expensive.

Also with an older father you have a higher chance of autism and other disabilities.
I know a couple and the father would have been in his late 40s when they had children. Both kids have autism and are now in there 20's. One of them could go to the shop and buy things. The other child would not be able to do this. They are both going to require care and a high level of support long term.

I think that at 39 you need to consider what best for you and your daughter. You already have a higher chance of a child with disabilities or autism especially with an older father. Also not all possible medical conditions show up in tests or scans.
This not only impacts your life but your daughter life as well.

I think in your situation I would just have one child and concentrate on giving them a good life. Your daughter won't want a sibling at 7/8 and it a big gap between kid's. They will always be at different stages. An 11 year old won't want a toddler coming into there room when they have friends over or go to small kid's places either.
You said that your in ok financial position but this probably with you earning a decent wage and child maintenance from your daughter's father.

You are both not too old to have a child. Lots of people have children that age and they are fine. You have another 2ish years so would maybe give it another 6ish and then if you are still together then go for it. By then you will have known each other for a year. If it doesn't work out then would you consider a donor.

I would go for it. Personally I wouldnt regret another child regardless, and I think you can often know when youve met the right person at that age.

You literally met him a few months ago. Girl, no.

🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️

There is 10 years between my DD and DS, they are now 14 and 4 and she still adores him. When her friends are sleeping over I have to enforce when its his bedtime as they find it adorable getting him to join in, and it has also kept DD interested in doing younger activities like the beach or petting farms, and even soft play! As she has an excuse to have fun with DS there without feeling too old like she would alone.

This. He's still on his best behaviour because it hasn't been long. Have you had a blazing row yet, OP? Had to suffer continual sleepness nights together? Had a significant health or money worry?

You don't really know someone until you've been through a trial by fire of some kind. That is when their true self comes out.

He may, of course, be absolutely lovely, but equally, he might not... and you don't want to find that out when you're already pregnant.