Would you have another child with a man this age and with these risks?

[Kuui]

I have one dd age 5. I haven’t been with her father pretty much since she was born, though he’s involved in her life. Dare I say I have quite an easy life, financially and support wise but I have been lonely romantically and always wanted more than one child.

I didn’t really think the option would ever come up again as I’m now 39. But in February I met a lovely, kind and decent man who was 46 (47 in January). He would like a child but has been clear it’s entirely my decision and he wants to be with me whatever. He’s spent time with dd but I’ve been careful and slow with that and it’s been quite recent.

In my heart of hearts I would love another. Of course who knows if it would even happen. But I have concerns about our ages and about any impact on dd.

I feel so conflicted and know that if we do this it needs to be within the next year or so. Would you?

It doesn't matter OP, sorry, it's still too soon. It's lovely that you are feeling that way, but at the moment, it is a feeling not a fact. When it comes to bringing children into this world, you need facts and solidarity.

It's not about your ages, it's just about the fact that you can't possibly know each other well enough yet. He's only recently met your daughter, too. You are not even a family unit yet.

I know it's frustrating with your ages, but you need to give it at least another year before you start trying. If you don't live together already then move in together and see how it goes. You need to get used to being a family unit with him and your daughter, see what the dynamics are like, see how he is with her.

You can't just go adding another child into the equation when you haven't even established yourselves yet. It is not fair on either of the children. This is a human being you are talking about bringing into this world, it's momentous, and you have to think about what the hell both of your kids' childhoods would be like if you split up and things didn't work out.

Look into both of you doing a fertility MOT and getting your eggs/ sperm frozen if you are worried about your fertility.

I would but I’d have to get to know him better first and preferably live with him for a year minimum. Lots of men can put on a good act in the first few months then turn out to be pigs.

you need to be with someone for YEARS before having a baby with them. So many men turn out to be lazy fathers and/or unkind step fathers. And at 50 he’ll struggle with his 50 percent share of nights and earlies etc.

Did he choose a younger woman on purpose because he’d forgotten to have kids until now? When I was dating at your age I had a lot of men his age approach me for this reason.

Keep him as a boyfriend. You don’t have time to get to know him well enough to have a baby

Keep dating and living separately. If you feel the same in a year then crack on.

I will say this, being financially sensible, age wise you need to plan to work until they are out of University or similar.

@onmylastnerveseriously I don’t think so as we met quite by chance and he’s very clear it would be my decision as he respects I may not want another

6 months is the honeymoon period. You don’t know what his motives are at this point. Perhaps he senses your keenness and will be able to play on it

I think that sometimes you should quit while you’re ahead, and this sounds like one of those situations to me. I’m sorry, I know that’s not what you want to hear x

I font think his age is an issue yet, but you really haven’t been together very long. I think still to early to have introduced him to your child yet, let alone be thinking about bringing another into the mix.

Also his up to you seems a bit passive.

And that is extremely dangerous, and moreso given that optimally protecting your DD should mean that trust is not given away at this stage.

I’d watch the language around it being your decision. Could be used to justify him doing less if you have a baby. Ask him exactly what changes he’ll make to his life and work to ensure he can do AT LEAST 50 percent of the work. Will he be taking parental leave? Reducing his work hours? Stopping hobbies? Make it very very real for him. He’s had 50 years of pleasing himself.

it is far from normal

I am glad you've found someone suitable to date. But i agree with PP that you need to take it slowly. Which tbf you are doing.
Having a child is a huge commitment and I am not sure why you are having this conversation already ? Before talking about moving in together ...
If you fast forward to a future where you are living together and have a baby. DD will be the "odd one out", becayse her sibling will have both parents all the time. Is she happy and secure in her relationship with her father ? There will be quite an age gap by the time it happens possibly 7 or 8 years. So you will have a teen and a 5 year old. How do you think you will handle that dynamic? Do you have the means financially to have a place large enough ?

These are just some of the questions you will have to contemplate. It's all doable. Anything is doable. The question is time.

Personally Id see how this relationship develops. Proceed at the pace you want without thinking about babies and then in a few years time put it back into consideration if it's all going well still

OP, I've scanned the replies and not seen anyone raise this yet so I think it's worth mentioning: you have no experience of parenting together with a father of your child at close quarters. This is a huge gap in experience. Early coparenting can be absolutely brutal on the fabric of a relationship. When you are parenting on your own, although you are doing more, you get to do it your own way, and without factoring in dealing with someone else's tiredness, percieved short-comings, differences of opinions, and lower (or higher!) standards, different expectations, priorities and views on childhood and childrearing. Having a baby with a man who intends to stay the course will be a massive learning curve for you and, it seems to me, an open trap into which you could easily walk, in terms of thinking: "It's OK, I've done this before, I'll take on this bit, I can tell he's a bit out of sorts about it / feeling tired / getting moody" etc, and before you know it, you're the 'pro' who carries the load, and suddenly aware of the subtext that you wanted a baby.

The ages wouldn’t bother me, know plenty in that age bracket having chikdren, including me. The fact he doesn’t have children is a bonus, a sibling for an only child is a positive, second pregnancy should be fine because you’ve already had a baby. Financially you said you’re good.

Only issue is are you certain he’s the right man, if yes go ahead. Make sure you’re thinking logically and not being swayed by the romance if it. Really think about it. I’d be meeting his family etc.

Sperm quality declines in men from around 35, with a significant drop in quality betwen 40 and 45, increasing the risk of miscarriage and disabilities; even if they live in London.

Also, you need to ask what he stands to gain materially in terms of making a family with you. You've not mentioned whether he rents or owns his own home, whether he is financially stable to the point of being able to house and support a child financially should you separate or if you died.
Does he have savings and a pension?
What are his plans for his retirement (he might have planned to retire early but becoming a parent is likely to change this)?

There are generally reasons why someone who appears to be an eligible bachelor has got to his age without having married or had children. It doesn't have to be that he's a monster, but it likely speaks of his character and priorities in some way, and you'd be very wise to really be honest with yourself about what you see:
Positive 'live' relationships with parents and siblings (and nieces and nephews)?
Friendly terms with long-term exes?
A good group of long-term friends which he is happy to introduce you to?
A sensible work-life balance, indicating he's not someone who has just buried his head in work for the last 30 years?
Hobbies?
Engaged in his community and on good terms with his neighbours?

Pleeease don't give up a tenancy solely in your name or a home you own in your own name in favour of a man you barely know. You need to be able to maintain a base that is unambiguously yours and your DDs. Before you consider cohabitation, you need to be satisfied that, in the event of a breakup, he would have somewhere to go too, at the drop of a hat, so that you don't hesitate to call it a day to kick him out because it would mean making him homeless. You sound kind and like you're prepared to give someone the benefit of doubt, which could so easily be taken advantage of.

My husband was 54 when we had our youngest

Which is great!

But remember Claire’s law is only useful if he’s been convicted of a DA offence - it doesn’t mean he’s not capable just because he doesn’t have a criminal record.

The reason posters are so concerned is because you’ve only known him a few months and you’re already discussing having a baby together! - can you not see how weird that is?

You don’t even live together and he’s only met your DD 3 times but you’ve already had the discussion about you intentionally getting pregnant with his child - that’s not normal!

You have no idea what he’s like to live with, you have no idea what he’s going to be like around DD, you have no idea whether he’d make a great partner, let alone dad and step dad right now.

At this stage in your relationship you should be thinking about how great everything is and how this could possibly be a long term thing.

Then over the next few months you’ll steadily start spending more time together as a couple and then with your DD too.

If it’s still going good after a few months, then you discuss him potentially moving in.

Then when you’ve lived together for a few months and things are still going well - then you discuss having a baby.

Discussing having a baby now is a massive red flag and we’re concerned that you can’t see this…

The only way you’d ever discuss having a baby in your circumstances is if for one of you it’s a deal breaker.

Which is too old.

The sperm quality is poorer and you’re lucky your child didn’t have autism or a disability but more importantly that child is going to have a 70yo dad by the time they leave school.

That’s not fair on the child.

We have to put our children before ourselves and think about what would be fair for the child.

Id say year of him getting to know dd. Then living together for a year then ttc. If it happens it happens

I was 39 when I had my second child and my partner was 44 and it worked out fine.
He is 19 now and at Uni it was lovely having another child, it depends how you feel about whether the relationship is stable enough.

Don’t think your ages are an issue at all, loads of people have kids at these ages. Main issue is you haven’t been together that long! Think about the child you already lucky to have x

Nooooooo. You’re in the honeymoon faze. You also need to put your daughter first. I’m assuming you are not even living with this man? Such a bad idea.

second pregnancy should be fine because you’ve already had a baby

Ehh, what?
Do you mean she should be ‘fine’ in terms of conceiving because she’s already done so once? If so, that’s simply incorrect. She could have secondary infertility or just struggle more because of her age or other factors.
Or do you mean a second pregnancy should be ‘fine’ because she said her first was? If so, that’s also simply incorrect. An easy pregnancy first time round is no guarantee of a simple pregnancy second time round. There could be any number of complications, health issues and poor outcomes in the second, irrespective of how easy the first was.

You can’t go around glibly saying a second will be fine because she’s already had one.

Don’t rush into anything. I think you’re panicking because of your age and probably not totally without reason.
I live in a blended family of five girls and they adore each other and my girls adore their step dad. It can and does work.
People are right to advise caution but I would say give it some time and who knows.