Would you have another child with a man this age and with these risks?

[Kuui]

I have one dd age 5. I haven’t been with her father pretty much since she was born, though he’s involved in her life. Dare I say I have quite an easy life, financially and support wise but I have been lonely romantically and always wanted more than one child.

I didn’t really think the option would ever come up again as I’m now 39. But in February I met a lovely, kind and decent man who was 46 (47 in January). He would like a child but has been clear it’s entirely my decision and he wants to be with me whatever. He’s spent time with dd but I’ve been careful and slow with that and it’s been quite recent.

In my heart of hearts I would love another. Of course who knows if it would even happen. But I have concerns about our ages and about any impact on dd.

I feel so conflicted and know that if we do this it needs to be within the next year or so. Would you?

You have a 5yr old and you’re considering having a baby with a man you’ve known for 8 months?? What on earth did I just read?

I had my second child at 39, I'm finding it much harder being that bit older. I'm almost 44 now. My second child has additional needs too which also impacts on my older child and the time I can spend with him. Me and any Husband have known each other a lot longer than 6 months, if our relationship hadn't have been so robust before our second we would have crumbled by now due to the circumstsnces we find ourselves in. Sorry, that all sounds really negative. But, my personal experience it has been a lot tougher second time around after a 10 year age gap with the eldest.

Can you really be bothered to go back to the baby stage again, OP? @Kuui

@Kuui
OP you really can't ask people on here.
Some will say no.
Some will say yes.
Some will say wait.
Some will say why wait?
Some will say you're too old.
Some will say you're not too old.
Some will say he's too old.
Some will say he's not too old.
Some will say it'll be fine for your DD.
Some will say it's not ok for your DD.
You get my point.
This is the nature of mumsnet.

Sorry, but why did you feel the need to list your son’s accomplishments?
I don’t think that people feel having a child as an older parent would mean they would be disadvantaged in terms of qualifications and education?
Usually people are thinking more about the larger things in life such as health, lifespans and family relationships as a whole.

Someone must have forgotten to tell me about that rule as I was seeing my man for 6 weeks before falling pregnant and we're still together 22 years later

If you hear stories from our grandparents’ days, they often met, got engaged within weeks and then married within months. None of this you have to know them years. It’s not like someone you know suddenly reveals their true personality after four years or something. The reason mainly that people talk about their partner “changing” is that said partner doesn’t love them anymore and displays that in their behaviour. Or that the person themselves now doesn’t love their partner ann and notices their faults more.

You need to put aside 'having another baby' in my opinion. You need to date this man and see where the relationship goes. You also need to see how your daughter reacts to this man being in her life but equally important, how he is with your daughter.

Your daughter needs to be happy and contented with having this man in her life, before you even consider living together, let alone having a baby! You are thinking way too far ahead, and need to take one step at a time.

Your priority has to be your daughter, not this man, and not having a second child.

WTF - why would you think that's ok.

I can't believe you even have to ask. You have known him six months. SIX MONTHS! And you are already letting him into your small daughter's life, because it 'just feels right' and you 'fully trust him...' You must know this is so many kinds of wrong. And yes he is too old to have a baby. Just 2-3 years off his 50s! No, just no. A few people have claimed that this is a normal age to have a baby 'in London.' 🙄 In the real world, it's too old to have a baby.

Give your head a wobble @Kuui Many posters are saying YABU. Listen to them!

You need to know this man for 3-4 years before even thinking of having a baby with him, and then he will definitely be too old!

I have a feeling you are going to go and have a baby with him anyway.

.

You have plenty more fertile years, take time to make sure this guy is actually a good guy. 8 months is not enough time to make that decision. You could end up with 2 kids with two different dads, playing pass the parcel with them until they’re 18.

You must know this is not the norm for the majority of people. Getting pregnant with a man within SIX WEEKS of meeting him! And if it does happen, they will rarely be together 22 years later!

Most women would be mortified if they fell pregnant with a man six weeks after meeting him. And most men would be mortified too. (If a woman they had been shagging for a few weeks fell pregnant, and decided to keep the baby!)

(I am assuming you kept the baby?)

.

I would not, OP. His age presents not just the increased risks but also, not having been through it before, he may well struggle with the reality of parenting. He won't have friends going through it at the same time - his peers may well be grandparents by now.

By the time you really know him well enough to decide to have a baby, he will be 50o dd. There are risks for you too and perimenopause can be difficult. I am going through it with teens. would not fancy it with a toddler.

You say yourself you have been really lucky with your dd. I would treasure that and try to be happy with her, give her the best life you can.

I say this as someone with an age gap relationship - DH was 46 and 48 when the dc were born. Although it was fine for their early years, he is 61 now and seems much older than my 50. He may end up taking retirement for ill health which means we will have less money than planned for supporting the kids through uni. All his peers are winding down. it's not an easy place to be. I don't know if I'd change it, of course, as I have my dc, but if you already have your lovely daughter, it's really quite a risk to add to the family.

In your shoes, no I wouldn't be considering it at all because I don't think it's in your existing child's best interests.

Having half siblings is a huge deal. She would have to watch her sibling live with their mum and dad whilst she went backwards and forwards between homes (or had an absent father herself). And if you split, your partner could choose to continue seeing his child whilst never bothering with her again. Imagine how painful it would be to bond with a stepparent, live with them, see them as family and then wave your sibling off to see him without you.

Id want to introduce them really slowly then live together for years before I even contemplated adding that level of upheaval to my child's life. I'd need to watch him being an absolute impeccable stepparent and check she was 100% going to be ok with the change. And even then I can't imagine deciding it was in her best interests. You've known your partner less than a year, based on your age there just isn't time to do it carefully enough.

girl you're still in the honeymoon phase with your man!

I can totally understand why you don't have your head on straight with this:
you thought you'd never have the chance again for another child and
you're in a rush as time (your age) is not on your side

but seriously, you barely know this man, to even think about taking this kind of risk, not just for yourself but for DD and yet-to-be-conceived DC is a wild idea

for the sake of all involved do.not.do.this.🙏

I would go for it especially if you can afford it if it all goes tits up relationship wise. Take with your finances is all I’d say.

I was 39 when I had DC2. My compromise is that I do A LOT of exercise and stay fit. I feel I owe it to my kids to be as fit and able as possible.

It's all too soon! Your existing daughter should be the priority. Also, the OP hasn't said what this mans history is, what were his previous relationships like? If he has no children of his own, was he involved with other children of partners?

Also, I get the impression that it was the man who suggested a baby, is that right? But told you that it would be your choice, no pressure? This to me would be extremely worrying as a pregnancy could fast forward the stages of a relationship, erode your boundaries and allow this man access to your home and life before it would be sensible.

It is too early to consider moving this man into a home with your young daughter, that is a risk you would be taking with her security. It is a tactic for abusers to target single mothers in order to access their children. You need to take more time, get to know his family, friends, past partners if possible. Put all future planning out of the conversation for now. Take your time.

It’s not his age or yours (though both are likely encouraging you to rush). It’s the fact that you have a five year old already and you shouldn’t upend her life for, or take a risk on, someone you barely know.

If you were single and childless I’d say go for it! But you’re not the only one who’ll have to live with the consequences in this case, so much more caution is needed.

I was in a very similar position to you. We dated for a year and I slowly introduced my child (to my 'friend' at first) . It was easier to do this slowly as my child went to his fathers regularly. I was certain my DH was a genuinely lovely person and we moved in together a little after a year and did this gradually too by staying over for a night first for a while, then a weekend etc. We then lived together for a year before TTC even though our ages weren't on our side and similar to yours. We conceived about a year later and are now happily married and the children adore each other . Don't rush things just because of your ages as it could end really badly. It takes time to get to know someone. Consider how you would feel and cope with another child if things don't work out. You may find things progress and you are happy as a family of three or you may decide to try for a child together which may or may not work out. If your child has a sibling they may or may not like them. The longer the period for your child to adjust to being in a new situation the better. Mostly things are outside of your control. You sound like you are sensible and would always put your child first.

How long exactly does she need to know him to form an opinion on his trustworthiness? Eight months is hardly five minutes. Risk can never be eliminated but to go through life with this level of risk aversion I would find rather draining.

Age is a difficult one as you have the likes of Mick Jagger who has fathered 8 children and his youngest child was born when Mick was 73.
I don’t think late 40s for a father is a bad thing but 73 is. OP you certainly could have another child but think carefully about whether you want this with your boyfriend given you have only known him 6 months.

Sorry - I meant to put 8 months not 6!

Having read through some of these comments I think some of them are a bit judgy…

i can’t comment on the blended family element but I would just make sure your daughter is the main consideration.

Your relationship is young, but it’s not like you're 22yrs old. When you’re older relationships tend to move quicker because you cut out all the crap and drama and know what you both want.

I wouldn’t be concerned about your ages either. Guess what, 50 year old men have babies. I had a baby at 40 - the most stress free and easy pregnancy/birth ever. Would I try for another at 42, absolutely.

I would try not to let your age/s dictate timelines too much.

Well, I'm 39, my husband is 50.

We've had our 4th child a year ago.

She is an absolutely healthy baby and my husband is a wonderful dad.

He's very involved, plays pillow fights with the kids, makes their breakfast in the morning, plays with them indoor playground (doesn't just sit on his phone) etc.

But he does say that he feels very tired.

Having young children in your 50s is extremely tiring, even for involved fathers, who try their best.

If you want another child, go for it, but you don't know 100 % how he will parent and if he's willing to parent, do the tough stuff.

So there's a risk that he won't be the dad that you want him to be and that you have to do the hard parts all by yourself.