Would you have another child with a man this age and with these risks?

[Kuui]

I have one dd age 5. I haven’t been with her father pretty much since she was born, though he’s involved in her life. Dare I say I have quite an easy life, financially and support wise but I have been lonely romantically and always wanted more than one child.

I didn’t really think the option would ever come up again as I’m now 39. But in February I met a lovely, kind and decent man who was 46 (47 in January). He would like a child but has been clear it’s entirely my decision and he wants to be with me whatever. He’s spent time with dd but I’ve been careful and slow with that and it’s been quite recent.

In my heart of hearts I would love another. Of course who knows if it would even happen. But I have concerns about our ages and about any impact on dd.

I feel so conflicted and know that if we do this it needs to be within the next year or so. Would you?

Men are technically fertile in their later years, but the quality does decline. For instance, schizophrenia has been linked to older sperm, I’m sure other neurological differences were also linked, but it’s been a while since I read the stuff.

Not a chance. I think you are looking through rose coloured glasses OP.
You risk either waiting long enough to truly know this man and merge him into your family which could take years and see him being too old to properly parent, or rushing into it and ending up co-parenting with a numpty.
Sometimes its best to be content with what you have. Enjoy the relationship, get to know each other and be a great parent to your daughter.

You’d be putting at risk a set-up that’s pretty much as good as it gets for a single parent - you have no money issues, plenty of support,
and time to date.

Two older parents means higher risk of additional support needs. That could blow up your life.

Throwing your lot in with a man you barely know. That could blow up your life.

Your ex might be unimpressed that you’ve brought a new man into your daughter’s life so quickly, and seek more/full custody. That could blow up your life.

Sorry the risk is too high, your partner is too old

You’ve got a nice life. Dont toss a coin on a situation that could go badly wrong. Having a baby at 40, with a guy you (realistically!) barely know…nah.

This l would not worry too much about your age or your DP.

Yes I would have a child with this man and the age isn’t a problem. My parents had kids naturally in their late 40s. They did normal parents stuff: Parents evenings, take me to extracurricular activities, sleepovers, holidays, taught to swim and ride a bike etc, watched me in school concerts etc. Being an older parent means you are wiser and more to give a child. Also, many parents now live to their 90s so a child would be in their 40s before their parent died. Of course a parent can die at any age, even if the parent has a kid when they’re teenagers.

Also, your DD might crave a sibling when she’s older. My parent used to complain non-stop until they died in their late 90s how much they longed for a sibling to play with and how lonely they felt growing up.

The one proviso I have is you need to live with this man for at least a year to see if the relationship has legs. You need to see you’re compatible on a daily and yearly basis living together, sharing bills etc, sharing household chores etc.

The last thing I would say is you need to quiz and see proof of this guy’s finances. I assume he’s in a permanent FT job and he has his own home? If not, why not? Does he have a pension? Savings? Will he be inheriting assets from his parents, if he’s a poor guy? How is he going to provide for you and a child?

Raising a child is expensive and if he’s penniless, I wouldn’t bother having a child with him. Because then you will be looking after another child, your child plus him.

Age isn’t the factor here, how much cash he has and the length of your dating are the crucial factors.

I think you've had some incredibly judgmental comments on your thread, OP. For me, the issue is with having a baby with someone you've known less than 2 years, because until then, you really don't start to know what the person is like deep down. Obviously at 39, it makes sense to do it sooner rather than later. If you decide to go ahead and try to get pregnant, it should be on the basis that you want a second child and would be willing to bring them both up as a single parent if things don't work out. If you're mostly doing it because it's what your partner wants, then I wouldn't go there.

Hey OP. Ny childreb have a similar age gap to what yours would be (and my age mirror what yours is betwern 1 and second). I think you ate better equipped than most for a second. You have done it on your own already and knows what it takes to create a positive co parenting relationship

No

IMO it’s not too soon to introduce DD to your partner slowly after 8 months. Assuming you have seen each a lot in those 8 months and built a strong, solid relationship.

However, whilst it’s sensible to make sure you both want the same things and the relationship is going somewhere, you should have really considered that before introducing your daughter to him. I wouldn’t seriously consider having a child with someone after 8 months… this is coming from someone who fell pregnant after 4 months so perhaps hypocritical but needless to say it didn’t work out and I’m now tied to him through our child sadly.

Yes men can still produce sperm up until they die I think, although they can’t swim as well but the quality of sperm declines as they get older.

There is a higher risk of miscarriage and the child is more likely to have a disability or disorder the older the sperm is.

I think the fact that the dad will be 70 when the kid is doing its GCSEs and in his 80s when it’s mid 20s is more of a negative than risking the child having problems.

Life expectancy has increased massively especially for middle classes. I know a few people with older dads and it’s not something that bothers them or where they feel it’s unfair on them or anything.

So many great questions on here that you haven't answered re his situation.

I'd absolutely not consider having children with a man who is not feeling strongly about it. I'd absolutely not introduce my young child to a man until at least a good year had gone by, possibly longer and I'd not move him in for years past that. It doesn't seem like the sensible timelines for protecting yourself and your daughter really tie in with yours and his ages. I'd want to see him parent my daughter before committing to having a baby with him. To live with him through ups and downs.

Having had a child at 40, I was in pretty good health. Since then it has declined. Thank goodness my (younger) husband is very hands on, both around the house and with our son. I work part time, which has helped. But we had been together for 7 years before we started trying. I wanted us to be a couple before even thinking about children. As it happens my son is an only one. As we ended up having ivf no-one in our family or ourselves have ever mentioned a sibling and and he has never either. I always wonder where the sibling yearning comes from in a child, from the child themselves or from the parent or other relatives going on about it.

Besides the blended family and age concerns, I would be worried how it would go. He’s reached 47 without having children and sounds like even now he has a ‘take it or leave it approach’ really, like he would see a baby as a cherry on the top? I think a baby is more akin to a grenade thrown in that changes absolutely everything! No one can really be prepared before it happens, but you would want to suss out how much he actually wants the reality of it, which as a parent you are already well aware of and he isn’t, not really.

Don't let age affect your choice. Think about the stage you are at instead. Do you know him well enough truly? Is there commitment? What are your finances like and his?. People have babies in their 40s so don't rush just because you think time is running out.give it another year at least. If things are still really good you could live together for6 months then give it ago. In the meantime find out about your egg reserve so you know what you're dealing with.do not rush and do not ig ore any red flags that come up just because you are in a rush.

OP here's what I remember from when I was thinking about these risks. Firstly, advanced paternal age is, for unknown reasons, more of an issue if the mother is much younger/if there is a large age gap. I'm aware of this because my father had a child when he was 52 with a 34-year-old woman, and the boy had pretty strong autism.

Generally speaking, older fathers have a higher likelihood of having neurodiverse or psychotic children, but I think the risk really escalates above 50; if your partner is a healthy 47 and the age gap is seven years the odds may not be that bad.

I had children at 36, 38 and 42 and it's the firstborn who is neurodiverse.... the one I had at 42 is absolutely fine. Are there children with age-related conditions in your family, anything that would give you reason to be extra worried?

I think you should look at the medical literature (google/AI will provide a lot of info) and get advice from specialists if you can, to get a clearer sense of the purely genetic risks. Also find out what you can about what can be tested for and think about when you would abort.

Other posters have pointed out the practical risks of having children with different fathers or setting out into shared parenthood with someone you don't know that long. Those may be prohibitive reasons; I don't think genetics are.

Its too early to tell OP. Why hasn't he managed to have children by now if he wants them though?

Oh dear.

Far too soon, if you hadn’t got a child maybe, but you have so wait for a couple of years then by the time the child is 18 he’s nearly 70. Don’t do it.

Sorry posted too soon.
Why are you even considering having a child with someone you’ve known 6 months and don’t even live with? Where’s the rush?
You sound very naive about your amazing connection. Have you ever actually lived with someone? That’s when you truly know them.

No, i wouldn't.
Not only do i not agree with "blending" families, but at 40 and 47 that's bad quality egg and bad quality sperm.

I wouldn't have a child with anybody. Do you never watch the news?

This!!!!!!

Go for it!