Would you have another child with a man this age and with these risks?

[Kuui]

I have one dd age 5. I haven’t been with her father pretty much since she was born, though he’s involved in her life. Dare I say I have quite an easy life, financially and support wise but I have been lonely romantically and always wanted more than one child.

I didn’t really think the option would ever come up again as I’m now 39. But in February I met a lovely, kind and decent man who was 46 (47 in January). He would like a child but has been clear it’s entirely my decision and he wants to be with me whatever. He’s spent time with dd but I’ve been careful and slow with that and it’s been quite recent.

In my heart of hearts I would love another. Of course who knows if it would even happen. But I have concerns about our ages and about any impact on dd.

I feel so conflicted and know that if we do this it needs to be within the next year or so. Would you?

@DurinsBane yes we’ve just had a couple of walks together, third one was today

It sounds like youre being very careful and considerate. If you want another child I dont think you will regret having another. Whether he is the right man and it’s ok for your daughter, only you can say.

what do you think would be a good timeframe for that?
The younger the child the longer the wait imo.
She is only 5 and you are thinking about giving her a sibling with a guy you only met in February. Come on!

I dont see how this would be fair on the child, any decision should be about them not you

I don't think his age is the barrier here. It's the dating for only 8 months, and your DD barely being introduced where the no is for me. 😐

Sorry, but you 'thinking that dd would adore having a sibling' is a bit of pink fluffy unicorn thinking!

YOU want to get with this guy, YOU want another child, HE might want a child with you. Don't confuse your adult wants with what your dd might think. She is a little child. She has no idea of any of the potential consequences of bringing another adult into her life, or another baby. She could equally think it would be good to have a pet monkey or a tiger.

Yes. You’re both of an age it could work. If you want another then go for it.

If it’s the man that changed your mind, in the nicest way possible ‘give your head a wobble’.

No. Too early, and you barely know him. Plus blended families sound and work way better in your head than in reality. Focus on your DD.

@princecharlie not this man, just having seen it work for other families.

Do you know who the greatest risk is to a child? It’s their unrelated step father figure. Hell would freeze over before I would consider doing what you are.

Especially risky when the mother has decided they are as trustworthy as can be after knowing them five minutes 😔

You’ve got to think with your head, not your heart. You’ve not lived together, so don’t know if you’re compatible housemates. Where does he live now? Is his house clean and tidy ( to your standards)? Does he rent, and if so, does he see you as free board and lodging long term? What’s his past -married? If not, why not? What’s his job situation? Stable, or a drifter? These are as important as the romantic notion of another baby?

You met in February. You barely know the man.

You’d be insane to do this. It’s got chaotic disaster written all over it.

I think he's going to be too old, especially for his first child. It's a shock to the system at any age as until you do it, you can't really understand the impact and demands (and joys of course) of parenthood. At 50ish, he'd probably struggle more with the massive change to the lifestyle he's had for 30 years, sleepless nights etc. would he have to change his retirement plans? To be brutally honest, if he really wanted children, he'd have them by now. The fact that he's 'leaving it up to you' shows me he's pretty ambivalent about it. You need a Dad who really wants to be a Dad.

Neither of your ages is a barrier.

Do you love him that’s the question and how does he get on with DD. Does he have a decent job and his own house?

You don’t know this man yet and you have no idea what he’s truly like and share he’s going to be like around your DD.

You’re already an older mum and your DD is young enough that a sibling as this age would still mean they are quite close, which is nice.

However, he is a bit too old and feel it would be selfish.

I wouldn’t say it’s a definite no but you need to wait at least another 6 months before you start thinking about the long term future and even then you need to move in together and see how it affects your DD etc.

What is the reason he has no DCs - don’t you find that a bit odd?

And how would you cope if your child had additional needs or a disability?

My general thinking is that if I have to ask a bunch of strangers on MN whether I should have a child with a man nobody I'm asking knows, it's probably not the best idea.

My friend met a man and it was a whirlwind romance.

They had only lived together for about 3 months before she got pregnant and very quickly his true personality came out.

Now she has a young child and he is moody, lazy and does F all around the house.
If she doesn’t cook and clean then it doesn’t get done.

He’s not abusive and so she doesn’t want to leave and become a single parent but she has told me several times that she wishes she didn’t get pregnant by him because although she loves the child, she can’t just up and leave.
She is now essentially trapped with this man who she doesn’t even like.

I’d be very careful about whether it’s him wanting a child and putting these thoughts into your head.

His age wouldn’t be the big red flag here. I thought you were going to say he’s 70! 46 is a perfectly normal age for men to father children. But it’s just very early on in your relationship. You’ve already jumped into having a baby with one man who left very soon after. Do you want to risk that again?

That said, if I met Dh at 46 and he wanted to have a child and it turned out we really were destined to be together the rest of our lives, I’d be sad if we never had a child together.

MN has a proportion of posters who will tell you that you can't ever live with a new partner until your child left home.
While I understand that unrelated male is statistically bigger risk for children, it is just one number from many to consider and there are many families which work totally fine.
Given he doesn't have children, it wouldn't be a full blended family situation, which could be a bit easier in other ways.

My question here would be - are you secure enough (finance, health, support) to be able to be a single mum of two if the relationship doesn't work well?

She’s literally not trapped she’s choosing to stay

I too think this is very early days, and you would be wise to be very cautious. It’s very much the honeymoon phase and it’s too soon to really know what he is like, whatever you strongly feel now. Neurotransmitters are biologically impeding your ability to think critically about this!

Blended families are often difficult for children, too, even if it is slightly less complicated here in that his own children are not also in the mix.

So, the wise thing in your scenario is, at a minimum, to wait a good length of time, yet as you identify, time is not on your side. Some people also avoid having children when older due to legitimate concerns that babies born to older parents (including the man) are at higher risk of significant disability. Again, the potential impact of this on your daughter comes into play, rather than it simply being a case of whether or not you feel equipped and willing to look after a second child with high needs.

There are also those of us who would avoid ever blending a household with a partner when we have a child already, with concerns regarding disruption for the child at best, and the risk (that can not be eliminated however perfect someone seems) of abuse at worst.

Your own hopes and wishes for yourself and your life matter, of course, and you should acknowledge them; but a lot of people in your situation would choose not to act on them, for the reasons given above by me and others. I do not mean to offend anyone in what I have written, and I know opinions vary a lot on this. Of course there are people who take such risks and for whom it all works out well. I wish you all the best.

I probably would

I don't think the age is necessarily a problem, but it's far too soon to be thinking of having a child with a man you've known a few months. I think you need to spend a lot more time with him getting to know your dd, and preferably live together for a couple of years before thinking about that. He might be a nice man but living with someone else's child can be difficult and bring up differences in your approach to parenting and life in general. Don't rush into anything because you're wanting to conceive - there's no guarantee that it will happen as at 39, your fertility will be less than optimal. That's not to say it won't happen - I know plenty of women who've conceived naturally in their early 40s.