Would you have another child with a man this age and with these risks?

[Kuui]

I have one dd age 5. I haven’t been with her father pretty much since she was born, though he’s involved in her life. Dare I say I have quite an easy life, financially and support wise but I have been lonely romantically and always wanted more than one child.

I didn’t really think the option would ever come up again as I’m now 39. But in February I met a lovely, kind and decent man who was 46 (47 in January). He would like a child but has been clear it’s entirely my decision and he wants to be with me whatever. He’s spent time with dd but I’ve been careful and slow with that and it’s been quite recent.

In my heart of hearts I would love another. Of course who knows if it would even happen. But I have concerns about our ages and about any impact on dd.

I feel so conflicted and know that if we do this it needs to be within the next year or so. Would you?

People are so judgemental about ages. I met a man in my late 20s who was much older than me. We got pregnant on purpose 15 months into the relationship and now have 2 children together. He also has a DD from previous relationship who was 5 at the time. Sometimes you just know it’s right. And DD was thrilled to be an older sibling. Trust your gut, you seem to be really happy in this relationship, sit with having a child with this man and see how it makes you feel. 5 year olds don’t get to make this decision for you, it’s yours and your partners alone. ❤️ p.s we are now married and have been together for 10 years

I don't think I would. At 39 and I'm assuming you'd be 40 or close to that by the time you had a baby there are too many health risks. I had a totally unplanned baby at 40 and he was born severely autistic and I suffered from blood clots and still have to take medication.
Also your partner is hardly likely to be an energetic dad. He'll be in his 60s with a child at secondary school. Financially you'll both probably have to work longer because what if this child wants to go to university or something?
Your DD doesn't even know him that well. You don't know how she'll feel about him or how she would react to a step dad (I know he's not her step dad but I'm assuming they would have that sort of relationship eventually) and a sibling in such a short period of time.
He said he will respect whatever you decide and I can absolutely understand why he wants a child of his own but I don't think I'd risk it.

All of these people asking aghast why OP has already introduced her partner to her DD: perhaps because she lives in the real world? Relationships and your kids don't exist in a vacuum, particularly when you are a single parent! Of course go slow, be cautious, but it's okay to introduce a new partner! My kids met my, now 2nd husband, way earlier than that. You as an adult are allowed a relationship and a life. Many many kids grow up in blended families, please don't stigmatise what is normal and functional for many of us!

I had a coworker who became a dad again at 50. He said it is ok to be dad to a baby when you are 50 years old, but it is really, really tough to be dad to a six years old boy when you are 56 years old.

The increased risks to the unborn baby of chromosomal conditions, premature birth, low birth weight, and stillbirth are why I personally would leave it. Might consider it if I was exceptionally healthy maybe?

I feel for you. I desperately wanted more and feel siblings are a gift, but due to chemo can't.

We considered adoption and surrogacy - just a thought xxx

I felt the same six months in. Even 18 months in.

You can't know yet, in truth. Sorry.

She had a baby at 34 years old, that is not an "older mum". Not even by medical standards which is 35.

Not sure where you live but having kids at 34 is pretty average in London and the South East. I just think that comment was little harsh and ill informed.

I am an older mum, had mine at 39 and my partner is older too. Right now we are having a great time, we are both in shape and healthier than in our 20s. So age does not necessarily have to prevent someone from having child if you look after yourself. We arent talking about Keith Richards or Robert De Niro here.

I do agree that it's way too soon though and DC need to be the priority here. OP doesnt know him well enough. Thats the real issue.

The data isnt that cut and dry anymore. And as you say it matters how healthy you are, as much as your age. Younger people generally tend to be healthier and less at risk of things like obesity, diabetes and hypertension. But if you're a fit and healthy 40 year old with no pre-existing conditions then some of the risk dimisnishes. I was told this by my mat unit.

I was 39 when I had DS and my risks were very low, including on the Downs Syndrome test. The chances that came out were lower than the average 25 year old apparently. I do appreciate that this is anecdotal but my point is that each pregnancy is different and will have different risks, no blanket approaches unfortunately.

Obviously chemo is a totally different problem, and I'm sorry you had to go through that. It must have been really hard.

For the OP, this makes for interesting reading on birth outcomes for over 40s:

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4554509/o

I would encourage you to make your own decision about having another child as mumsnetters have no idea of the context and nuances of your situation. Plenty of women have babies in their early 40s and your DP is not too old. If the relationship doesn’t work out, you know how to parent as a single mother and how to work amicably with the dad. Honestly, you are the only person who can make this decision. If there are no red flags in terms of past DV in his relationships, there is no right or wrong decision here. You could have conversations with your partner about what would happen, and how to share care, if you broke up, and the way he discusses this will give you information about his integrity. You have at least 6 months though to think about this, perhaps a year even. I would talk to a therapist who will help you think it all through and support you to make your own choice.

I'm going to be positive and say trust your gut here :-) I do think you can know a person quickly depending on who they are and stage of your life. And I would try and consider it like this: you want a second child yourself and you're already raising your daughter as a single mum and it sounds like you're doing great so would you be happy to add that second one into the mix? Because honestly people date and know each other for years and then having a kid breaks them apart within a year. It's not something time can normally predict. You need to base this on whether you'd be happy in either scenario of having a supportive partner and doing it alone. And it sounds like you're already talking openly in this relationship so just make sure you have the difficult questions now: what is his stance on discipline, what would his priorities for your child be, what were his parents like / what was his childhood like, what would he change / keep about that childhood, where would you live, what role do you want him to have in your daughter's life and is he comfortable with that - especially if you say that you don't want him to be making certain decisions that he would for his own child. If all of that aligns.. and you want a second child even if it was as a single mum (thinking worst case outcome) then I think you should go for it.

I'm pregnant with my second and I feel terrible to say it but I am primarily doing it for my daughter because I think having a sibling is one of the best gifts we can give her (to have that support system and friend for life hopefully). Of course I am really excited to have my new little one but I just mean I was personally fulfilled having one of that makes sense. So just saying it's ok to also think about the positives for your daughter as well!

When I met my partner I was 34 he was 27 he had no children and I knew time wasnt on my side I ended up having a baby at 35 we have been together. If you feel its right then do it!

When I was 38 I met a man of 38 through friends when we were with our sons - aged 5&8. We fell massively completely in love straight away. Different to anything either of us have ever experienced.

we took the view that when you know you know and time was short; our daughter was born the following year.

18 years on husband and I have a wonderful blended family and are so proud of each of our children. Clearly it was a gamble but I would rather have been a single mother of two than miss the opportunity to have our amazing lass.

It’s nice to hear all the success stories. However, I’m still feel caution is advised. Is dp love bombing op? Views her as his future pension and home? Sounds like op is financially secure and in a nice set up. Very attractive to a man who’s renting, in a low paying job, has no pension etc.

But would you want an age gap between siblings of at least 7 years? They'd have nothing in common.

What benefit would it be for your daughter to have a sibling with a very large age gap? I personally dont think its fair.

Re. age gaps, relationships change over the years in any case. Siblings who were close as kids can drift apart as adults and vice versa. Whilst not particularly close (partly due to distance), I get on really well with all my siblings and half siblings, and there are 12 years between me and my eldest brother, I’m 10 years younger than my older sister, and my younger siblings are 9 and 17 years younger than me 😂. My youngest brother came to visit for the weekend a couple of weeks back and we had a lovely time. Currently my 11 and 8 year old absolutely adore their baby sister.

i’m also a bit flabbergasted by the posts warning about children of older parents being, shock, horror, hideously embarrassed by their age or the prospect of them being mistaken for grandparents. If people were so worried about teens being embarrassed by them, no one would ever reproduce 😂

You need to give it more time, you shouldn't rush into this after just 8 months. Perhaps your biological clock will mean it doesn't happen for you, but your biological clock shouldn't be driving you to rush into having a baby with him. As someone who grew up in a blended family, I can't believe all these people categorically saying No and that blended families should never happen. Yes it probably was more complicated than a conventional set-up, but it did work out fine for us, still see my step-siblings regularly and we are now all aged 50+.