Would you have another child with a man this age and with these risks?

[Kuui]

I have one dd age 5. I haven’t been with her father pretty much since she was born, though he’s involved in her life. Dare I say I have quite an easy life, financially and support wise but I have been lonely romantically and always wanted more than one child.

I didn’t really think the option would ever come up again as I’m now 39. But in February I met a lovely, kind and decent man who was 46 (47 in January). He would like a child but has been clear it’s entirely my decision and he wants to be with me whatever. He’s spent time with dd but I’ve been careful and slow with that and it’s been quite recent.

In my heart of hearts I would love another. Of course who knows if it would even happen. But I have concerns about our ages and about any impact on dd.

I feel so conflicted and know that if we do this it needs to be within the next year or so. Would you?

As a solo mum of 1 I would never have another, with another man.

I'm done with one and I'm fine about that. He's an adult now.

Gosh op, I would really take a step back here. You don’t know this man and won’t for another couple of years. He and you will be on best behaviour.

Theres absolutely no way I would introduce an unrelated male (no matter how much I thought he was great) in to my DDs life before 2years together. Let alone spring a sibling on her.

I agree but also it’s not just about being a single parent.

What if he’s a narcissistic control freak who wants full custody of the child and drags OP through court constantly?

Or if he’s abusive but still gets parental rights and there’s nothing OP can do about it.

If it’s just a baby OP wants then I’d consider adoption or a sperm donor over a guy she barely knows.

There’s also the normal concerns about him being a predator and choosing OP specifically because she has a young child.

I can’t help thinking it’s a red flag that he wants DCs but never had them and that they’re already discussing wanting children and they barely know each other.

No it’s not!

50 is too old to have a baby.

No absolutely not.

I agree, there’s lots of red flags here.

I wouldn’t be letting a 46 yr old anywhere near my dd, just incase!

I would just go for it if it's what you both want.

I don't think you can tar every man you meet with the same brush. My cousin was in a similar position to the OP. She met an older man who she fell in love with & they had their child together soon after. He is a wonderful man with a good background. Yes of course you have to be careful especially regarding introducing someone to your child but not all men are predators.

Hi OP, I personally think that it's all too quick and you are already a single parent to one child. I am pleased that you are not struggling financially but you have only known this man for afew months and having a baby with him will have major implications for you all (most importantly your daughter).
Imo you seem to be seriously diluting the enormity of it all.
Far too much too soon.

Brilliant but this is a different situation.

Get a grip

Truthfully OP, it will be a half-sibling, and that isn't always the cosy dream people want it to be, especially if the other dc is living with both parents and she isn't.

The stakes are such that diving into this in a time pressured way - which is never the way to bring a child into the world - has far more risky downsides than the upsides. I'm sorry to be so pessimistic and brutal, but this is a child and a life you are talking about creating AND also, at this stage more importantly, the life of your existing DC. You don't endanger that on a whim and in a state of uncertainty.

Diving headlong into these situations is how children end up in compromised circumstances.

That's an incredibly worrying thing to hear an adult woman, let alone a mother, say!

“your DD is young enough that a sibling as this age would still mean they are quite close, which is nice.”

No by the time she’s got pregnant and given birth the gap will be at least 7 years. That’s almost different generations. When the youngest is a toddler, the oldest will be a tween. When the youngest is 9/10 the oldest will be partying with their sixth form mates and thinking about university options.

If you’re 39 you have a couple of years at least so you don’t have to get pregnant tomorrow. You definitely should spend that time living with intention about allowing your DD to form a relationship with DP at her pace and reflecting on how she responds.

You are the only one who can know whether you feel this is a good step for you all as a family - but if you continue to have good feelings about him and the dynamic then I say go for it. I’m from a blended family, I love them all very much, even now my mum has passed away I still willingly see my (step)dad every week so it really doesn’t HAVE to be awful and life-shattering, despite the scare stories on here. Sometimes relationships are good, and sometimes people are good, and sometimes you know it.

Nope I wouldn’t

also @Unexpectedlysinglemumsiblings aren’t something every child needs and men, especially predatory men, can spot desperate women a mile off. To seek access to a child.

I would never consider moving a man in before 2 years if I had a child already. And definitely not having a child with him before knowing him 2-3 years !

The point is that you have had years to make plans for another child. Now suddenly in the last chance saloon, you are now madly keen to have a baby with a man you barely know. This is different though because, despite barely knowing him, you really really trust him. I think your hormones might be overruling your logical brain here because this makes very little sense. Truthfully, your daughter would probably prefer the reality of a puppy to a baby half sibling that cries and takes a large chunk of her mum's previously undivided attention. And no matter what people say, it is harder when you are older - you just get tired more easily. And that's assuming the baby is healthy and neurotypical.

If you're comfortable financially, and you know you'll survive a break up, why not follow your heart. World is full of blended families. Don't know what people are fear mongering about!
Early to mid 40s is fine if you're fit, well and happy to consider having a child with special needs, as the risks/chances are higher for both men and women as we age.
I didn’t care or worry on my first in late 30s, but I did on my second in early 40s.

100% this.

OP, once you have a child with a man, you can't just cut contact if you feel like it. That man will have parental responsibility for the child and you will have to manage that relationship and possibly have them in your life forever.

If they turn out to be an abuser (and no man has ever entered a relationship being abusive, they become that way after they have secured you through pregnancy or marriage) you have introduced this person into your current child's life.

I am going to be direct here and say the safety and happiness of your current child trumps any wish of yours to have a second. If you want a relationship with this man, that's great, but I would wait a good few years before that man had any access to my kid, and even longer before having a child with them. If you don't have time, maybe accept it just isn't meant to be.

It's not unadjacent and this is an open forum

Definitely not. Your dd needs to be put first, you barely know this man and are basically in the 'honeymoon' period. Review things in another year and if it is meant to be at that point then it will be.

I understated it comes across like that but I’m the most protective mother and often told I’m far too protective. I have never left dd anywhere except with her grandmother or her dad. I have put her to bed every night since the day she was born. I would absolutely use Clare’s law and have done in the past before dd if this relationship continued. I trust him as far as it’s possible to trust someone but I’m not stupid. He’s been on three walks with dd since February, and that began in August.

@WhyPig yes there’s a lot of risk and I’m 100% aware of how men can be great during honeymoon period then downright abusers down the line.

@Bouncywaves yes agree. I didn’t feel able to contemplate another child or even relationship for many years. I know siblings don’t always get on anyway and yes I’m sure a puppy would be far more enjoyable for dd

@Wetherlie thank you this is so nice to hear the other side to it