Would you have another child with a man this age and with these risks?

[Kuui]

I have one dd age 5. I haven’t been with her father pretty much since she was born, though he’s involved in her life. Dare I say I have quite an easy life, financially and support wise but I have been lonely romantically and always wanted more than one child.

I didn’t really think the option would ever come up again as I’m now 39. But in February I met a lovely, kind and decent man who was 46 (47 in January). He would like a child but has been clear it’s entirely my decision and he wants to be with me whatever. He’s spent time with dd but I’ve been careful and slow with that and it’s been quite recent.

In my heart of hearts I would love another. Of course who knows if it would even happen. But I have concerns about our ages and about any impact on dd.

I feel so conflicted and know that if we do this it needs to be within the next year or so. Would you?

She is technically choosing to stay but on her low income she couldn’t afford to privately rent and does not earn enough to save up for a deposit.

She is not eligible for social housing as she already has a home.

If she were to get a home, her income would barely cover the bills and she’d still have to do all of the parenting, cooking and cleaning etc.

Her reasons for staying (apart from not earning enough) is that he does pay half of the rent and she’d have to do all of the parenting and chores etc either way but this way there is the slim chance that he’s there if she ever needs him.

We have discussed her retraining and getting a better job but he won’t do any parenting alone and she can’t afford to reduce her current income.
So it’s going to be a few years before she’s in a position to leave.

Personally 18m to 2 yrs or so before I'd even introduce anyone to them

by that i mean a "this is mummys friend" meetings. Not overnight stays and cohabiting. And theyd essentially be interviewing" if I felt there were any red flags id be keeping those parts of ky life separate.

I also think your timeline to introduce your child to him is not responsible and would not think a pregnancy with a man who is essentially a stranger to be advisable or beneficial to your current child

@Kuui when would you start TTC?

No I wouldn’t.

@sittingonabeach this time next year

You are young still! You can easily have another baby at 41, 42, 43…!

hi op only you can decide but you have to consider a few risks, if baby wasn’t healthy would you still be able to cope, what if the relationship doesn’t work out would your support network be able to keep supporting you. You are obviously capable of being a single mum but is the yearning for a baby worth it.

So then just hold off.

Get to know him for another 6 months.

If no red flags, consider living with him for at least 6 months.

If no red flags again, then consider TTC.

How does he want kids but doesn’t have any at nearly 50?
Most people who want DCs have chosen to have them before now (obviously there may be genuine reasons but it’s something I’d keep an eye on).

How long has he been separated from his ex wife etc?

If you wanted another child, did you not consider using your DDs dad’s sperm or going through a sperm donor?

I can’t help but feel he’s put this thought into your head and considering you’re only just getting to know each other is a pretty big red flag.

Let’s say you get pregnant this time next year according to your timeline - your DD would be 7 or 8 before the baby arrived. That’s a massive gap and you only have to see from multiple threads on here that people don’t generally have great sibling relationships with gaps this big unless there’s other children in between. Your argument that your DD would love a sibling is rubbish - it’s you trying to justify a risky adult decision to have another child with a man you barely know.

That is old to have a child.

And it’s not just her age, it’s his too.

He’ll be almost 70 when it’s finishing secondary school - that’s grandad age.

It also has a much higher risk of having a disorder or disability.

So by your plan, he would become a dad at 49 or 50? Has he thought long and hard about this?

You don’t know him well enough yet to know what his values are, what he is like under pressure, how he is with money, sharing housework.

have you even been on holiday with him yet?

I was pregnant within 4 months of meeting my husband. He was 51 when that baby was born. We were married almost 30 years

Did you already have a DC?

I don’t think there’s enough information to make a decision. I also think you’re putting the cart before the horse. You don’t even know if you could live together yet. What are your respective opinions on finances? Housework? Have you argued yet?

Why has he chosen not to have children before now? 47 is quite an age to get to without having had any, if that’s in your life plan? Is it that he didn’t meet the right person? Or he’s been acting like a 25 year old all his adult life? What do you know of his history? Did you do checks under Claire’s law for you? More importantly, did you do checks under Sarah’s law before letting him within a country mile of your DD?

Who’ll be doing all the donkey work? Does he understand how much work is involved in raising a child? Will he be doing his share of nights? Chasing them round the park? The school run? Or does he think looking after his child for an afternoon is babysitting? Can he afford to raise a child? Where will you live? What will you do for childcare? What’s his opinion on how children should be raised?

You’ve known this man two minutes and you’re considering tying yourself to him for at least 18 years. I don’t think you know him well enough to decide whether that’s a good idea or not.

have you considered having a second child using donor sperm? (rather than a rushed relationship)

No, but he did

I think personally being an only is easier than being in a blended family and you have only known this guy for half a minute. Life is good. You have a lovely daughter, are secure and have a new love interest. I would enjoy the blessings.

I feel life is too short to have regrets. If you want another baby, feel you could manage as a single parent (again) if things didn’t work out and not sacrifice your daughters happiness and wellbeing go for it. Only you know.

Lolz yeah my own husband is nearly 50 with a 5&2 year old 🤷‍♀️ so our loads of our friends

the age thing isn’t the issue - the short amount of time they’ve been together and the fact the op had another child to think about is

I probably wouldn’t do this solely because of the other child tbh

Obviously your head over heels for this man. From an unbiased outside perspective it seems like a red flag for men that are predators and target lone mothers. I have lots of friends in education and social work and this is far more common than you might think. I don’t think it’s normal for a 46/7 yr old man to agree to have a child with a woman that he has been dating for six months. I asked my husband and he said it was weird too. It may be that you have met the perfect man and that you are going to be together for life, however when it comes to the safety of your 5 yr old please don’t let your heart rule your head. Give it a lot more time until you are even considering living and having children together. Also do the Claire law etc checks and make sure he has never changed his name etc

If your not considering ttc for another year I can't see any problem whatsoever. You're both still young.If he is genuine,only time will tell. If it's what you both want then go for it.

Excatly why you do not rush anything
Or become a statistic on mn being trapped in a less than ideal realationship then co parenting
Why rush...not healthy nor ideal for someone you have less than a year!
The time of knowing someone onky changes when you have a child..live together or become familiar.
He will be trying hard with his age as well to entice you.
Strong No!

Why do you have to be pregnant within the next year? I had twins at 43yrs of age. No health issues , they are both great. Don't rush in because you think your biological clock is ticking, that would be a crazy thing to do.

No I wouldn’t.

As someone who had children at 41 and 43 with a man who was 45 and then 47 I don’t think it’s too old. And I was engaged to their father six weeks after meeting. He had two boys 12 and 14 when we married. So everyone saying too old, too soon and don’t blend families? Pah. His eldest moved in with us full time within a year and the other one moved in full time at 16.
Many of my friends had kids in their 40s, the oldest two being 45 and 46 (and the latter her husband was over 50 at the time). All conceived naturally. All alive and healthy today (kids are all in their 20s now).