Go back to ex or face a life alone

[NatureandBee]

This is what my ex said to me earlier when discussing potentially getting back together.

He said either I come home or I sit alone in my house forever.

Also we’ve only recently been talking again and ex wanted things to accelerate, I told him that I’m not comfortable yet and can we slow things down especially as things were recently nasty between us. He said I’ve fucked everything up now and that he’s offering me everything back, he’s doing all the work and that now I need to prove to him that I want to come back.

What are everyone’s thoughts??

Context?

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Fear of being alone is not a good reason to go back to someone who sounds awful, uncaring and selfish. Choose to live alone and fill your life with joy instead.

Please treat him like the abuser he is and stay away from him. Choose your kids by choosing your mental health. This is still manipulative and regarded as post-separation abuse

Have some self respect and run. If this is him in his “I’m trying hard to get you back” phase I’d dread to think what he is going to be like in every day life.
he is not your only option.

I would be running, as fast as I could, away from him. He is a major red flag. You can do much better.

He’s obviously not changed after a comment like that.

The fact that he's trying to railroad you back into a life of misery by preying on your insecurities says more about him than you. Don't let him piss on your parade again, in my experience don't go back - I did it once and it was the biggest mistake ever - taught me to trust my instincts, not ignore them. I look back on 2 long relationships I ended and wonder how I ever had the strength to leave but I see them for who they are now not who I thought they were.

If he said to you 'I was put on this earth to make your life miserable' believe him.

All relationships are different, give yourself time and space, you're worth it x

I voted UABU to go back to him. You'll be happier alone, doing your own thing, and not being abused.

It sounds like the issue here is less about being alone and more about access to your son. How old is he? Don’t go back to your abusive husband but fight for your son. Do everything you can to keep in contact with your son, even if he doesn’t respond, keep trying.

YWBU to ever speak to him again

I left a long term marriage. My ex said I would have to work till I was 65 if we split. That we couldn’t afford a divorce. That I couldn’t go any more nice holidays as I am on minimum wage and he was a high earner. Tried every excuse and lots of manipulation to try and stop me from leaving. I ignored everything he said and 7 months later I have never been happier. Don’t let him get into your head OP. Classic manipulation. Be strong and stay single. You’ll not regret it.

They are both. They are also the daftest most ridiculous animals in the world. They want to be involved in whatever you are doing and will climb into your washing machine the second you turn your head. Most of the time cute when you are hurrying it can slow you down.

Think about why you split up.

Realise that he is blaming you for splitting up. So he's not taking any responsibility for his part whatsoever and will most likely always blame you.

Why should you have to prove to him that you're him being with you? CF! Ir should be the other way round. Know your worth.

If you've never lived alone, its not as bad as you think. You have so much more freedom. You might actually love it! I loved living alone but thought I'd hate it. I live with someone that I no longer want to be with. I'd so much prefer to live alone.

Highly likely in my opinion. His argument sounds very one sided and lacks any intention of changing his ways.

Not everyone likes idea of being alone. It's not unusual and probably more common than some will admit. However, sometimes it's worth taking a deep breath and look at a separation in an unhealthy relationship as a chance for a new healthier life where you can be yourself. You may find you are stronger than you think

Alone - in the long run you’ll be much happier!!

How many DC do you have and what ages?

The man is clearly abusive and nothing would make me go back to a man who spoke to me like that.

He isn't going to change.

Why is is going on about you being on your own?? Surely thats a brilliant option compared to being with him???

Yeah you are right 😔 It is hard to accept the way things have turned out with my son (he will be 15 this year) I never thought I would end up having a difficult relationship with one of my children and my ex rubs it in my face and tells me all the time that he chose to live with him and not me and says stuff like our son has clung to him since birth (which isn’t remotely true and a weird thing to say) He ignores everything that has influenced our son’s decision but has openly admitted to his mother playing a big part in the alienation and admits that since he was born she has always wanted him all to herself (so has my ex)

So it is tempting to think I’d be under the same roof as him again but I know the dynamics would be dysfunctional and toxic.

Thanks, I text him every day, light chatty stuff and I’m trying hard to be chilled out about the whole thing.

He is an ex for a reason! Please remember that reason and do not get back with him. That sounds like he could potentially be abusive. I say, stay clear.

because I put the breaks on he says I’ve now effed everything up, I’ve got to prove to him that I want our marriage etc.

And you'll have to keep proving it and you'll never be doing enough or doing the right thing.

Gosh he sounds a peach. Run fast and wish that his next unlucky victim does the same.

Forgive me, OP, if someone has already suggested this (I haven’t read the whole thread) but you might want to read some of Zawn Villines’ stuff at her Substack “Liberating Motherhood”: https://zawn.substack.com/
Some of the articles are paid, but a lot is free and worth reading. She talks a great deal about male entitlement and marital abuse, and her response to the statement, “You’ll grow old alone with your cats” is “Don’t threaten me with a good time”. Highly recommended.

Oh NatureAndBee, sending you strength and word that you must just keep head up and keep doing what you know is right.

I know it must hurt like hell but keep hope. Your son won’t always be 15 and so easily misled.

Choose yourself