Go back to ex or face a life alone

[NatureandBee]

This is what my ex said to me earlier when discussing potentially getting back together.

He said either I come home or I sit alone in my house forever.

Also we’ve only recently been talking again and ex wanted things to accelerate, I told him that I’m not comfortable yet and can we slow things down especially as things were recently nasty between us. He said I’ve fucked everything up now and that he’s offering me everything back, he’s doing all the work and that now I need to prove to him that I want to come back.

What are everyone’s thoughts??

So what? Yes, you will feel lonely and miss your eldest.

Go back and you will feel even lonelier when he has you walking on egg shells, desperately trying to keep the peace.

Why are you in contact with him? He is nasty. It is not a new thing. I’d rather be alone in the woods naked and that’s saying something as I wear jumpers in the summer.

He's missing his cushy life of you cleaning, cooking, washing etc.

You left for a reason. Abuse! Leopards don’t change their spots.

Some of his remarks aren't just nasty Op, he's perilously close to threats. I know you're unhappy not seeing your DS but your Ex is lying too him and modelling him into a copy of himself, I'm afraid you could end up with both of them making your life a misery if you went back to him.

You tell him Christmas won't be horrible for you, it will be peaceful. abuse free.
Why would you even contemplate going back.
Remember why you are separated, Abuse, it wont end.

Living a life without him does not equal lonely.
Ask your self again why did you leave, why would you go back, am i repeating myself? yes I am.

You got out stay out... and live a lovely life

Well I think someone’s clearly concerned about a horrible Christmas but I don’t think it’s you. Being on your own is not the same as being lonely. Maybe you will meet a new partner in time and maybe you won’t. It’s possible to build a wonderful network of family and friends that will enrich your life with no husband in sight. Not every single person in the world is yearning to attach themselves to someone. ( and even less so when the someone is a man like your ex). Think very clearly about the implications of returning beyond your DS. Dont let that blind you to the reality.

You say he's admitted the abuse. And yet he's still abusing you.

Both "He said either I come home or I sit alone in my house forever." and "He also says how horrible Christmas is going to be this year for me." are examples of him still trying to control and abuse you.

You're going to be a million times better off without him.

If you go back, things won’t improve. They will probably get worse as he will see your return as a sign that you will put up with the abuse and he will push it further. Also, every time you disagree on something he will throw it back in your face that you tried to leave and couldn’t accept the alternative was worse.

He isn’t even trying to pretend anymore, he is openly saying that he is abusive and that he will continue this if you stay away. He isn’t sorry for his past behaviour and isn’t trying to be a better man, he is trying to control you anyway he can.

Don't threaten me with a good time, dude.

He sounds like an asshole. He wants to rush you into something you already left because of abuse. And he's already started up with the abuse making what sounds very close to threats and issuing ultimatums and you're not even back together. Do you want to ignore the start of his abuse just to have an abusive asshole around taking up your time and energy again? If he loved you, he would slow his roll and respect what you're saying. But he isn't doing that. He's already shitting on you because he hasn't found anyone else to do the wife work you did. He's contemptuous of you.

I'd give this one a huge swerve. He hasn't changed one bit. You'll be lonelier sitting in a room with him that you ever will be alone.

The best breed of cat is a rescue cat 🐈‍⬛

He’s attempting to shift the power balance back in his favour. There are worse things than being on your own and who can predict the future, you may not be on your own long term anyway.
There’s every possibility that you would be more lonely and unhappy with him than on your own.

I would rather be on my own than deal with him from the sounds of it.

Advise him to go fuck himself. Being alone is so much better than being with a loser. 💜

He is abusing you please see this

Don't you just love it when someone who hasn't got any cards to play think they can make demands? You've got to prove something to him!

I had one like that. He tried to manipulate me into having him back otherwise he wouldn't see our baby. You can imagine how well that went.

You've got your whole life to live! In all probability you will find someone. But even if you don't you've still got a rich and full life to look forward to. He quite honestly sounds desperate. I bet single life isn't working out as great as he thought ...

Thanks everyone, I know I can’t go back and I have a voice inside me telling me “Do not go back.”
He says he can’t be doing all the work and it’s my turn now, he was beginning to get huffy if I didn’t reply quick enough to his texts and when I said I’m not ready for physical affection and I needed time he said he’s not prepared to live in a sexless marriage. I was only talking about needing time and I wasn’t asking him to be in a sexless/loveless marriage.

Things turned very nasty in the past year and he made up countless lies about my parenting to social services. He wants me to forget about the past year and he’s “sick of me talking about that shit” and my winging about what he said in court etc.

He lied about your parenting to social services?

In you position I’d be using a parenting app for coms and having as little to do with him as possible. There’s not a chance I’d ever be able to forgive him for that.

Why is he only telling you how bad things will be....is it because that's what's going to happen if you do return anyway.

Why no "me and DC miss you so much, please come home and I'll move out and give you all the time you need to learn to trust me again"

It's all nasty and controlling words from him, he see's himself as a victim when it's all his own doing. He's learned nothing and only shown he's never going to change. Youre seeing the real person here.

Only you can decide if you want to go back to, I suspect, a man that won't be able to believe his luck in knowing that his wife can't live without him so he can now ramp up in treating her with absolutely no respect and control how the rest of her life goes.

It all about him and what he wants. He has treated you poorly for year's. He is verbally abusive. You left him and he is now getting a taste of real life. He has to do things for himself and has to look after his kid's. He now has your eldest DC living with him. If that child is around secondary school age he wants lifts places, wants money always and could be hard work at times.

Along with this he could be finding out after a few dates other woman are not interested in getting involved with him. As woman get older they can spot the red flags of men like him.
He told you that you have a miserable Christmas. Well this Christmas he is on his own with his child and maybe his mother is not offering to have him home at Xmas. Meanwhile his friends and family members are with there wives and partners and they are to busy to meet up with him. They are probably sick of listening to him complaining about his life currently.

So now you meeting up with him and he said get back with him or you be alone for the rest of your life. You be alone after your parents die.

So what if you remain single and are alone after they die. Is he aware of your parents financial situation? In time you may have an inheritance and he might be keen to get some of this money.

Then a man like him if you go back will be worse. No matter what you do it will never be enough. Imagine what he will be like as he gets older and do you want to end up minding him if he gets into poor health.

I think you know that you can't go back to him and even your family have told you this. You deserve better than him. Tell him that you have decided to get divorced once you have everything together and have gotten legal advice from a solicitor.

Do the freedom program and spend time on your own building up your new life. Meet up with friends and get involved with new groups. You could meet a new man in time when you have done the freedom program and are more aware of the red flags.

Everything you say reinforces the decision and the courageous steps you’ve already taken to leave. Even if your eldest child has been alienated, don’t go back. You have other children and a life yourself. Going back will tell both the child and your husband that everything he has said about you is true - because why would you entertain going back if he’d made up such damaging lies?

Naturally he wants you to “stop going on about” his vile behaviour. He doesn’t want to hear how he’s been a bad person, he wants the narrative to be about how awful YOU are and how you should be making amends to him.

He sounds absolutely dreadful and I suspect that you will have a miserable life if you go back to- and more importantly, you will show all your children that this is how things should be between men and women.

Yep, he's playing to your insecurities.

The absolute BEST bit of advice I was given years ago by a lovely friend, was to not compare THEN to NOW.

NOW you are still finding your feet and getting used to life on your own. And it might feel unsettling being alone (and remember they're is a great deal of difference between being alone and being lonely) and you might think it's easier to be back where you were THEN, without uncertainties as to what your future will look like. NOW is not a realistic situation and NOW isn't your forever. No, you compair THEN to how things will feel in 6 months, 2 years, 10 years. Compare THEN to how things will be when you have your own place. Your evenings to relax, and no-one picking faults with whatever you've done. No walking in eggshells. No sly comments. No carrying everything yourself. Your home decorated how you want. You own food in the fridge. And knowing when you lock that fire when you get home at night that YOU are the King of your Castle.

Please don't be tempted to go back because NOW makes you feel unsure and it's easier than this next chapter (potentially) on your own. Do you want to still be in that situation you've left in two years time? In ten years time?

You've done so well to end it. Let it stay that way.

@NatureandBee
Don't go back to that!
Noticed from your message how aggressive petty and impatient he seems
You go back, He's going to see it as carte blanche to a minimum of browbeat/bully you further ( a thing I detected clearly) so
If you ever did return
It'll be his excuse to treat you even worse

He said either I come home or I sit alone in my house forever. Hark at him offering you himself or a peaceful future, he really didn’t think it through did he. I hope you choose peace as quiet in your own home.

I bet if you look in his crystal ball, you'll see something different. A life where you're not subjected to his abuse, maybe?
What a dick ☹️.

Thoughts are: run