Go back to ex or face a life alone

[NatureandBee]

This is what my ex said to me earlier when discussing potentially getting back together.

He said either I come home or I sit alone in my house forever.

Also we’ve only recently been talking again and ex wanted things to accelerate, I told him that I’m not comfortable yet and can we slow things down especially as things were recently nasty between us. He said I’ve fucked everything up now and that he’s offering me everything back, he’s doing all the work and that now I need to prove to him that I want to come back.

What are everyone’s thoughts??

Please don't go back to a man who is still clearly abusing you.

He's a bully and controlling.
He's pissed off that you are not doing his bidding.

The amount of threads over the years of women that went back, deeply regretted it as they felt stuck because they didn't want to upset their children.
Their abusive husbands weren't long punishing them for leaving, and they were in an even worse situation.

Abusive men never change.
I don't believe anyone who says otherwise.

Please don't consider going back.
You did the hard work by getting away.

When you left did you take the DC? Are they with you or him? What do you have in place for child contact arrangements?

He wants you back ASAP to do the housework and cooking and shopping and laundry and childcare. Even more so if the DC are with him for overnights; he can't be arsed to parent them so he wants you back in the house to do that for him. When he says you effed everything up, he is not thinking of you or the children; he means you effed it up for him: his nice family life where he had a wife at home to wait on him and do his parenting for him.

You need to divorce. Next step is to contact a lawyer, or a charity like citizens advice or women's aid if you are short of money, to get the divorce papers sorted. You can also do it yourself on line.
Part of the divorce process will be getting a proper child contact schedule sorted, and getting maintenance for them.

You have posted about him before, last week? Honestly why are you entertaining him? He sounds AWFUL. Move on, get the cats. I’ve got a ragdoll x siamese and he is just amazing in every way. Perfect lap cat and beautiful top boot.

He was abusive before and is still being abusive now.

I’d limit conversations to getting in with the divorce and coparenting.

What you do with the rest of your life (and who you do it with) is no longer his concern.

He's knows divorce will happen next if you don't go back so he's desperate to get you back before he loses all control of you Op. He doesn't want to give you time to think and now he's trying to make everything your fault so you'll feel guilty and go back.
I'm sure your DC and the cats will be great friends, enjoy them and your freedom

Why are you even considering that the 2 options he has presented are the only 2 options? (1) Him (2) life alone. What about all the other viable choices available to you if he’s no longer part of the picture, let’s be brutally honest if what you’re looking for is anyone better than the man who admits he has been abusive to you and goes on to gaslight and continue to emotionally abuse you then your choices are wide open. Hell, a life alone would be better than a life with him wouldn’t it?

You broke up for a reason.

Plenty more fish in the sea.
More than likely alot more pleasant.

He is an ex of yours for good reasons, he is saying these things to belittle you. There is life after him, you will not be on your own forever. He is a controlling, insecure piece of 💩

He was abusive to you when you were together and he’s still abusive now. Why the fuck would you even consider getting back with him?

Sorry OP, this guy sounds like a right cunt. I hope you don't entertain his manipulative bullshit. Furious for you.

Alone is better than him, you may find someone else anyway.

lol at the self importance of him that he thinks he gets to decide what the options are for a whole other person’s life

They call it an extinction burst - he sees you're about to free yourself from his control, so he's ramping up the aggressive attempts at clawing it back. Not even back together and already telling you what you "have to prove". There's the preview; you don't want the main show.

So he was abusive and now he's trying to manipulate you into reconciliation? My God, let this go. Alone is the better option! You'd be taking a giant (miserable) step backwards if you go back.

Agree with all the pp’s, he’s still being controlling and abusive. Is he causing problems with the DC?

You need to get further away from him

you won’t find yourself and your life until you do

I’m so sorry, but all I can see from this is that he is still abusing you. Maybe this is not as extreme as his “usual” abuse but it certainly looks as though it’s going in that direction again. Unfortunately, just because a man admits they’ve been abusive this has no bearing on them stopping the abuse. He’s already been verbally nasty to you and isn’t prepared to go at your pace. If he was genuine (and I do think abusive men never stop, they may change tactics, but it will always escalate again) none of this would be happening.
I think you know in your heart that nothing has actually changed but he’s all up in your head about being a family etc, but nothing will change if you go back. Do you really want your kids in that environment? You’ve already done the hard part, you left. Remind yourself of all the reasons you left. It will be awful, and may even get worse once he knows he’s able to pull you back in.
Surely being alone is better than being with an abusive man and messing up your kids’ lives too? You need to stay strong. Even if you have to write a list of all the reasons you left, and all the ways he abused you and keep rereading it. Trust yourself, not him.
To add: who says you’re going to be alone anyway? Once all this is done and dusted you can choose to date again if you don’t want to be alone. Not all men are abusive in relationships, but this one is.

Option 3 is to stay single while you find a good counsellor, to help you to unpack why you would even contemplate rekindling a relationship with this nasty abusive piece of crap. He's manipulating / forcing you into going back to him. Why are you even contemplating this? Staying single for a period while you work on you, doesen't mean that you will be single forever. It means that you will be better placed to meet a decent, non-toxic undamaged man, and build a healthy relationship with them. He is still abusing you, albeit in a different more subtle way.

So he hasn’t changed at all, he’s still bullying you.

Have you read Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft? Please do.

He wants his life back, with you and the kids under his control. He doesn’t intend to change. Being the way he is suits him. But he needs someone to be his punchbag (literal or emotional) and to control. You’re indicating to him by meeting him and discussing things that you might submit again so he will ramp up the pressure. Be much easier than having to find another woman to get under control.

Being single is fine. Preferable. Certainly preferable to being in a relationship where you have to walk on eggshells. Please don’t go back.

So you know he’s playing on your fears. And you’d chose to go back to him why exactly?!

The third option is happy with someone else. Which is the only option he doesn’t want for you, obviously.

Being sensible means not entertaining his BS. Do you honestly beleive that he has suddenly changed?

One DC has remained with his Dad unfortunately, very little contact now and he’s been alienated. Contact has become worse lately as DC won’t visit my home anymore. My parents say that I’m being forced to go back and blackmailed into returning as ex knows it is the only way to be with my child again, I know that’s not the answer though. He knows I’d do anything to be with my oldest again and knows to play on that.

Myself and my parents/friends do fear what I’d be going back to.

He also says how horrible Christmas is going to be this year for me.

In all seriousness, he is still abusing you. He hasn’t stopped. The fact that he admits it and is continuing, makes it even worse.

He abuses you, you left, he admits it, you both begin to reconcile, he wants to speed up, you don’t, he chooses to threaten you with all sorts of nonsense.

If you go back, he will continue to abuse you and it will get worse. You will be punished for leaving. You will have shown him that he can do whatever he likes because you will go back.

The way he has treated you in the past is a choice. He chose to abuse you and will continue with that choice.

By all means, get your cats. But I would suggest a dog. A well trained German Shepherd perhaps. Your ex is dangerous. A GSD will give you companionship and some protection.