Susbsidising friend's wine habit

[Tootsurly]

I have a friend who I go out with quite a lot as we're both single and live quite close to each other. When we have meals out he wants to take turns paying which is fine in principle, but in practice he will have three alcoholic drinks and a coffee whereas I will often just have tap water, so his drinks end up costing as much as or more than my food.

I've brought it up a couple of times already, but it feels awkward to broach the subject again, and I can't exactly tell him he's not allowed to order wine with his meal as if he's a child.

He has considerably more disposable income than I do so while I like to eat out I will find deals, or order from the set menu. But there's no point me finding an offer where we can eat for a fiver (Pizza Express After-School Club, in case anyone's wondering) if he then blows £25 on booze and coffee.

I should say, in fairness, that he is not at all tight - he's very generous - and I like his company, but I just can't match his spending power.

Any advice?

The payment model of taking turns is the problem. Tell him so and you take the lead to pay for what you eat and drink every time. And leave the rest of the bill to him. If he is a reasonable person why would he object. If he objects then you can spend time with other friends

Easily resolved by not splitting the bill and going Dutch.

I've told him I can't match his spending. If he wants to splash out on a pair of expensive theatre tickets because he likes those seats and doesn't want to go on his own that's up to him, but he can't expect I necessarily have the spare cash to do likewise (although I have treated him on several occasions).

It doesn't need to be conftontational. Just insist politely before you order on paying for your own each time.

It isn't that difficult.

Can you say you can't afford the current arrangement, and that's why you try to find two for one specials when it's your turn. In future you want separate bills. What's the worst that could happen? It may feel awkward saying it, but it'll be a huge relief for you to get it over with. Some people need it spelled out in black and white.

@Tootsurly This is a classic case of older guy getting younger female social companion - and all of the validation that comes from that such as dictating the event, the expenditure, and the tone of the interaction. He's the big dog!

However, rather than him splashing out on wining and dining, he's doing it on the cheap. If fact, it's you that are paying for the privilege!

Find a new friend. Plenty of theatre & meal buddies out there that will pay their own way and be collaborative.

Yes, that's a good idea to say you can't afford the current arrangement.

I don't understand why so many people find it so shameful to admit this.

@Tootsurly I'm also wondering how blunt you have been with this friend about your finances. It sounds like you have been giving heavy hints rather than spelling it out.

I also find it odd that he is oblivious to the fact that his drinks bill is significantly more than yours, so either he is taking the piss or he genuinely doesn't notice and therefore needs to have it spelled out to him politely and assertively.

I said YABU purely because you are being unreasonable not to just say I’m paying for what I order. End of. Stand up for yourself OP!

Just be upfront at the beginning. ‘I’d like to pay separately’. No please, no negotiation. Inform your waiter at the start. ‘We’ll need separate bills please’.

If friend challenges, say ‘I’d prefer it this way, I’m sure you understand. Now how’s x,y,z going…’ rather than getting into discussion about whether you’re happy buying each other drinks.

He sounds like an utter wanker. He knows EXACTLY what he's doing!

Why do you want to associate with such a person?

I dont understand why you are so worried about being rude

Tell him you'll pay for what YOU eat and drink

End of

And don’t start talking about your financial situation. That’s private and irrelevant. There’s no need to open your private affairs to his inspection and approval, because you are not seeking his permission. How demeaning.

Address the matter at hand only. Dinner, the bill.

Do you think men behave like this, feeling they need to expose their personal affairs and beg for approval just to pay their own way? No, they just tell you what they’re doing.

Stop thinking like a permission-seeking little girl and be a grown-up.

Don't go to the theatre with him then; he's putting you in a position of "owing" him.

I do notice that it's him who gets to choose which productions they see, and which seats they sit in... just as it's also him who gets to choose how much wine they both have to pay for, even though only he drinks it.

Yes, that's a good idea to say you can't afford the current arrangement.
I don't understand why so many people find it so shameful to admit this.

It's not shameful; it's just completely irrelevant. Can you send me a cheque for £100? I'll presume that you will, unless you justify why not, explain to me why you can't afford it and ask if I'll kindly let you off doing so without being annoyed at you...!

And if they did actually make an arrangement - and not just slip into it by default - that comes socially with the very obvious expectation that both/all parties will be consuming roughly similar.

If you never drink then every time pick the bill up first and say directly to him 'your drinks were xx so you pay for those' and then whoever turn it is for food pays if you're happy to do that. If he questions it just reiterate that you explained before about the cost.

He's a CF and knows what he's doing. I've never, ever been for a meal where the person not drinking alcohol has paid or even split the bill where one person isn't drinking. Just say, sorry money's a bit tight I would like to pay for my own meal only going forward. Then pay for yours plus your share of the tip. Not difficult with two. When you say he's 'generous' what does that mean?

I have met for lunch for a couple of years every Thursday with a male friend. We almost always pay for our own but sometimes the other will offer and pay but it’s all very fair and equitable.

You just say I am paying for my own and if you can’t vocalise such a simple request then you two are not really friends.

Well great for you but this post is about the OP. She doesn’t feel she can afford to be so generous.

Next time you sit down to order mention to the waiting staff that you would like separate bills. Do it before you order so there's no faffing around afterwards. And then keep doing it every time you eat anywhere.

You cannot accept expensive theatre tickets from him and then begrudge paying for a couple of glasses of wine for him.

Either you both pay your own way all of the time or you don't.

If you want a 'just pay for ourselves' arrangement, and you can't afford theatre tickets, then you don't get to go to the theatre.

If that’s the case, I’m afraid he knows. You need to be clear, calm, direct.

Yes, I agree, it's not just about the meals.

It's not shameful; it's just completely irrelevant.

The OP states in her first post that she can't match her friend's spending, so I think it is relevant.

The theatre tickets muddy the water a little, but the OP's people pleasing is just causing too much stress for her, and she needs to be direct with her friend.

There definitely is a way of asking for separate bills without causing offence.

Like @ViciousCurrentBun none of my friends or family take the piss when it comes to expecting others to pay for loads of drinks. Either they are more socially aware (or they know they can't get away with it 😁)

If he's paying for theatre tickets which are expensive I can see why he thinks the bill for the meals should be split. He's paying more than you overall.

Stop seeing him. He sounds like a wanker anyway.