Susbsidising friend's wine habit

[Tootsurly]

I have a friend who I go out with quite a lot as we're both single and live quite close to each other. When we have meals out he wants to take turns paying which is fine in principle, but in practice he will have three alcoholic drinks and a coffee whereas I will often just have tap water, so his drinks end up costing as much as or more than my food.

I've brought it up a couple of times already, but it feels awkward to broach the subject again, and I can't exactly tell him he's not allowed to order wine with his meal as if he's a child.

He has considerably more disposable income than I do so while I like to eat out I will find deals, or order from the set menu. But there's no point me finding an offer where we can eat for a fiver (Pizza Express After-School Club, in case anyone's wondering) if he then blows £25 on booze and coffee.

I should say, in fairness, that he is not at all tight - he's very generous - and I like his company, but I just can't match his spending power.

Any advice?

Another dripfeed. Just say no.

I am also from such culture but thay generosity is because there's a strong need to show off.
You completely ignored the op's context, and started telling us about your genosity with paying for others. There was no need for showing off here.

Problem is its hard to calculate who ordered what, so people find ot easy to divide equally. Maybe op can tell the waiter to get a separate bill for drinks?

When ordering your meal, tell the Waiter you want separate Bills. Stop allowing your Friend to be so controlling.

It was. Makes it apparent he just doesn't care about the fact he's making you more skint by expecting you to pay for his alcohol.

He wants to be your boyfriend, so he is trying to make everything as datey as possible- with a whiff of controllingness too.

What kind of Temu Sugar Daddy pays lavishly half the time but leaves the other person out of pocket?

I think he thinks he has some special right to your purse, time and attention.

Anyone with half a brain would notice that the other person is drinking tap water while they’re guzzling glasses of wine, why are you only drinking tap water though? Surely there’s other nicer options for non alcoholic or even over chilled bottled water?
tgeres no point your being parsimonious with tepid tap water every time if he’s paying for half of the times unless you genuinely prefer it?
if you insist on carrying on this unequal friendship then you must say to the wait staff that you would like the wine billed separately, no debate and make it very clear that your friend is the one drinking and funding the wine.
he sounds pretty obnoxious from the little I’ve read here, do you just like having someone to go out for meals with?

So you've explicitly said it..
But he's either forgetting or not thinking you mean it...

So I'd turn it into action... Repeat again before you order that you're on a budget and can only pay for yourself... When the bill comes - say to server we need it split or jump to 'I had the spag bol and mineral water' . And ONLY pay for yours. It will feel a little uncomfortable at first but I promise you'll BOTH get used to it... I've been doing this some time now when I realised quite how much I was subsidising SOME friends' drinking bills. (one time after a lovely evening I'd realised I'd paid an extra 60£ just on drink I hadn't consumed... I was driving..
The food bill was very similar... But cocktails /spirits very quickly add LOADS onto a bill!

Tell him then he may have little understanding about not being able to financially keep up.

Do you want to keep up the friendship OP? Because I've got the ick just from reading your posts. It sounds like you've already been blunt about bill splitting and he's bamboozling you. Either stand your ground: refuse to split, insist on separate bills or if you can't, stop making plans with him.

It's definitely less complicated than you are making it.

He's running roughshod over you - over your wants, your feelings and your money.

It could be that you're a pushover and it could be that he's a bully. Or a bit of both. Even if you're not usually a pushover, there's something about the way he operates that makes you question yourself and hesitate to assert yourself.

I'm putting money on the problem being more him than you.

What about..
Hey John your drink consumption is bankrupting me! It's leaving me short... So we'll be paying for what we order going forward!

Well I never! Are you ok?

Just pay for yourself if it’s a problem. I wouldn’t like paying over the odds for someone else’s meal/drink either.

I thought a drip feed was something that materially changed the facts of the situation. Just because he chooses to buy two theatre tickets so he has company doesn't mean I should be paying for his wine (and neither does the fact he wanted a relationship).

Just say no chance you cheeky fucker! How is that difficult?

Look sone people are just less bothered by money because they have plenty. So he may have agreed in principle around the not drinking and then that translated to "only 1 glass of wine and a coffee". In his mind that was not a lot. And if you'd had a similar eg a couple of soft drinks etc then it may not have been an issue.

Clearly you are less well off and so you're finding deals and then drinking tap water. So you end up feeling hard done by because of thr cost of any drinks. He probably just doesn't think that it is.

So your options are to either really explicitly say when you agree to go out for dinner that you want to split the bill and repeat at the start of the meal. And then at the end of the meal do the maths quickly and say "my share is £20 and yours is £30" so it's easy and he doesnt feel like it's hard work to split. Or you do the maths on the theatre tickets and figure out a frequency that means you don't feel overall out of picket.

What you need to realise with people like this is they know exactly what they are doing. Next time it is his turn to pay, you take the bill and say X is my share and put down your card, or to make it even easier first time bring cash. Don’t try and change it on your turn because then you look like you’re just trying to get out of reciprocating.
Put down the cash or card and when he says something, say it’s just as easy to split the bill and this is much easier for me.

No need to explain about who had what or your budget- he’s well aware already

I'd be clear with him that if you're going out together you're paying for your own bills. Also, as you get in the restaurant, inform the server of that too, then they can keep the tally.

It's probably because he wants the staff and people around you to think you're a couple if he's sexually interested in you, so if you split the bill it's obvious you're friends not a couple.

Just send a message like one of the suggesions above and make it clear you are NOT going to take turns anymore as you can't afford it.

What you could do is bring cash for your part of the bill so he can pay on his card and then you just give him cash for your share of the bill.

Exactly this. He's a sponge

People like him "have plenty" because they sponge off others and don't pay their share

Be very explicit that from now on you each pay for yourselves. That's all occasions btw, including theatre trips. You can expect to be treated, but never to treat.

Maybe. But maybe he feels that he's being generous re theatre tickets which can be expensive. Has OP ever told him she's not bothered for them?
So in his mind it may all net out as "paying his share" just not on a given night.

On these threads lots are at pains to say how they secretly pay the bill or they round up or they don't mind splitting. No one ever admits to taking advantage..