Susbsidising friend's wine habit

[Tootsurly]

I have a friend who I go out with quite a lot as we're both single and live quite close to each other. When we have meals out he wants to take turns paying which is fine in principle, but in practice he will have three alcoholic drinks and a coffee whereas I will often just have tap water, so his drinks end up costing as much as or more than my food.

I've brought it up a couple of times already, but it feels awkward to broach the subject again, and I can't exactly tell him he's not allowed to order wine with his meal as if he's a child.

He has considerably more disposable income than I do so while I like to eat out I will find deals, or order from the set menu. But there's no point me finding an offer where we can eat for a fiver (Pizza Express After-School Club, in case anyone's wondering) if he then blows £25 on booze and coffee.

I should say, in fairness, that he is not at all tight - he's very generous - and I like his company, but I just can't match his spending power.

Any advice?

Just be honest, say “I like spending time with you, but money is a bit tight at the moment, so I need to cut back. Let’s just pay for what we have. Thanks for understanding”.

I hate splitting the bill, the people who are really keen/pushy for it are usually the people who will spend more and therefore save themselves money.

Maybe you need to tell him you've got a tight month this month so you haven't got it in the budget to pay extras so you should pay for your own meals and drinks.
I've been friends with my best friend for 8 years and we've never got involved with paying for each other and it's worked very well. No awkwardness where one of us has more than the other . We just pay for what we have. Its helped our friendship, no expectations .

When you order, say right before that you need a separate bill. Laugh and say ‘Can’t carry on subsidising your booze!’ if he’d take it well.

He's not doing it unwittingly - he knows exactly what he's doing. Nobody is telling you to prevent him from ordering as much wine as he wants, as though he were a child; it's just that, as an adult, he needs to pay for himself!

If it's only two of you, and your individual bills are so very different, it's much easier to just say let's pay for ourselves. If you really wanted, you could always (pass-ag) add that you don't want him to feel that he needs to restrict his drinking, because je knows that you will be paying for half of it!

If he's a half-decent friend, he'll realise that his game is up and accept that it was good whilst it lasted; if he blows up about it and tries to call you mean or selfish, then he's obviously not an actual friend at all, just a user... so why would you want to keep him sweet as a (supposed) friend anyway?

But if I do that, then what do I say next month?!

I would just say ‘by the way before we order, I’m on a budget - as ever- so let’s each pay for what we order and the percentage of the tip rather than splitting, yeah’. And stick to it when the bill comes. No need to make it awkward if you’re friends!

I hate splitting the bill, the people who are really keen/pushy for it are usually the people who will spend more and therefore save themselves money.

Yes, this... and they're so good at turning it around to YOU being the tightwad and not the person in the mirror who feels entitled to dine out on somebody else's money.

There is another thread running on the same theme.

Either agree to pay for your own each time, go somewhere that will do separate bills for you or stop going out with you if you can’t suggest this to him.

People make such drama out of this kind of thing.

It's a bit of a shame, because I've started not inviting him to things simply because I know it makes the whole occasion twice as expensive.

My typical budget is £15-20 for one course, or for a two-course set menu. When we went out recently I stuck to my budget, but the bill was over £80.

I don't think I'm making a drama out of it. I'm asking for advice, having tried a few tactics and not got the outcome I was hoping for.

When you brought it up, what was his reaction? As you said you brought it up before?
The alternative is to go for more expensive meals when it is his turn so it evens out !

I thought he'd accepted it, and the last time we went out he said he wouldn't be drinking, but then he ordered a large glass of wine and a coffee which together came to nearly as much as both of our meals combined (I'd found a 2 for 1 deal).

Feels like he knows he’s doing it. I like a drink and would never split a bill with someone not drinking or having one drink.
He’s either spectacularly thick skinned and oblivious or he’s selfish and tight.

I truly don't understand why you haven't explicitly said; 'Look Jim, I love your company but our time together is costing me more than I consume and can afford, so we need to each pay for what we order as current paying model no longer works for me'.

So go to a cheaper place where you can order through an app. Or go alone or with other friends. You clearly resent the fact you are paying more so it’s not worth going if he won’t compromise

I can’t imagine being so hardnosed that I’d order expensive drinks and then split the bill. If he’s so thick skinned that he’ll do that, then why are you bothered about offending him?

Just tell him the food bill is split, but you’re both paying for your own drinks because you aren’t drinking and he is!

It is very cheeky, if I ever have drinks or more drinks when my dinner companions don't I always say straight out I'll pay more. But yes, you are just going to have to say, might feel awkward but he can't argue with it.

I agree with PP, that he is fully aware that you are subsidising him, although you cannot afford it.

You need to put your foot down.

We had a conversation and I said I couldn't afford to pay for him to have four drinks with every meal. I thought that was explicit enough.

Yes, unfortunately that's true - I do resent it, and there have been a couple of occasions recently when I've not invited him to join me in order to "recoup" what I spent on his wine.

Perhaps eat out less often, but save the money up so that you arent struggling to afford it and scrimping each time?

It can be really difficult to make plans with people with very very tight budgets. I have a friend who regularly insists we meet at pubs or restaurants, only to clearly struggle with the cost & try to order almost nothing. It gets really awkward and I feel weird ordering myself a main meal and wine when shes asking to have bar snacks & a lime and soda to spend as little as possible. I'd happily take a bottle & food to her house (or host her at mine) if she's not wanting to spend, but she'll insist "its fine".

Tell him you don’t want to take turns any more, you want to pay for what you have cos COL crisis etc

"See you at 8 Colin, I'm just paying for myself tonight so will leave you to sort your own bill out"

Nothing. Just assume it as a given that you're paying for yourselves and ask for your own bill, or work out what you had.

You aren't the one who needs to feel awkward, when he is the one merrily taking money from you every time, without any remote sense or indication that he might be wrong to do so. Has he ever asked you if it's OK for you to subsidise his meal and drink costs, or did he just assume that it was all fine and dandy?

You need to explicitly say that you are each paying for your own specific food and drink on separate bills from now on.

No need to mention how much he drinks, as he'd then be paying for exactly what he consumes himself.