Susbsidising friend's wine habit

[Tootsurly]

I have a friend who I go out with quite a lot as we're both single and live quite close to each other. When we have meals out he wants to take turns paying which is fine in principle, but in practice he will have three alcoholic drinks and a coffee whereas I will often just have tap water, so his drinks end up costing as much as or more than my food.

I've brought it up a couple of times already, but it feels awkward to broach the subject again, and I can't exactly tell him he's not allowed to order wine with his meal as if he's a child.

He has considerably more disposable income than I do so while I like to eat out I will find deals, or order from the set menu. But there's no point me finding an offer where we can eat for a fiver (Pizza Express After-School Club, in case anyone's wondering) if he then blows £25 on booze and coffee.

I should say, in fairness, that he is not at all tight - he's very generous - and I like his company, but I just can't match his spending power.

Any advice?

Quite.

Erm no, you don't own the internet and don't get to order people off a thread.

I'm entitled to have an opinion that is different to yours. I'm glad to hear you are giving it consideration.

With your latest updates, OP, I'm starting to wonder if he isn't so much angling after you as a romantic partner as scoping you out for your potential as a live-in carer!

Who ordered anyone?

Yes, you're entitled to have a different opinion. And you're entitled to repeat it ad nauseam, but I (and other people on the thread) are entitled to find it tedious.

I'm so glad my consideration meets your approval.

I have a friend who does this - she doesn’t actually drink alcohol but she orders green juices, sparkling bottled water, has a pudding, and a coffee and maybe biscotti or something whereas I have one course and tap water

I don’t ask her about the bill, I say directly to the server who comes to take our order; “please may we have separate bills” right from the beginning and so there is no issue and no permission to ask.

Why do you keep answering this poster that you massively disagree with.

I think I'm bowing out now. I'm getting a bit fed up with repeating myself.

I will consider whether I am being unfair, whether I'm leading him on (I don't think so, as I've been very clear I'm not interested in anything romantic) and whether I'm not being sufficiently assertive.

He did actually admit it wasn't fair for me to fund his wine habit, so at least in part he doesn't think I'm being wholly unreasonable.

Thanks for people's thoughts.

This is easy, when it's his turn order a pricey bottle and dont drink it.

It's good he acknowledges you shouldn't be funding his wine habit - I think this gives you the opening to say 'so how can we resolve that?'

Well I am miffed. I made some really perceptive points about balance of power and his perspective of this relationship, a day or two ago, and they’ve been ignored. Huff

God no. All these florid explanations. OP just say directly and assertively next time.
‘Let’s just pay for ourselves this time ok’ and leave it there

Why arent you being honest and firm with him if he's such a good friend?

eg "Friend, I love to spend time with you but I simply cannot afford to cover your half when we go out as I dont have the income. In future, lets just pay for our own food/drink"

Thats it. It's really not difficult - if he balks at this then you will know he is taking the piss and is happy taking advantage of you. A good friend would understand this and wouldn't object to paying for what they order.

No- because if you say "this time" that implies its a one off when it isnt.

Telling him you cant afford to do this makes it obvious it stops here and doesnt re start again

Sorry - not intentional! Will have a look.

Just be straight " Sorry, but my finances are such that when we go out to eat I'll be asking for my own bill". Ask at the outset when you order. Stick to it. Simple.

Just ask for separate bills before you place your order. Simple.

Is there many places near by where you order and pay for your meal at the counter before you eat ?
I suspect this would be easier coz you could tell him to go ahead and sort his order and you will have another look at the menu and pay for your own in a minute. Then if you want another drink wait till hes ordered his alcoholic drink.

They have places here like that , especially paying at the bar , but I suspect you dont go to these type of places.

@Tootsurly I think you really need to be much more assertive about this sort of thing.

I think maybe because divorce has ruined me financially and I am actually, literally, very very poor I have no time for this sort of nonsense.

You need to say - Hi Friend, I'd like to have pizza at XXX place. Are you free? I wont be spending more than X - just to let you know in advance.

When you get there - ask for separate bill. It's not difficult - do it once or twice and it wont be hard for you at all.

I never understand why the "shame" is reversed onto the person who is paying more than they should, and never onto the person who is an absolute chancer, all in the name of not being called a tightwad. It's incredibly manipulative behaviour in my view.

All my friends pay their fair share, treat when they can, and I treat back when I can, but no one feels taken advantage of.

You should ask yourself if this man is really your friend or just a very selfish individual you happen to know.

You can free yourself from manipulative, selfish people. It's uncomfortable in the moment but the peace is so freeing. He is taking advantage of you and I think you know it. Do something different next time you meet up @Tootsurly

Real friends don't take advantage of each other.

There's a middle ground between calculating to the penny and paying four times the cost of what you ordered. I wouldn't say "my starter was £7.99 and my drink was £2.99 here is exactly £10.98". But then again, I wouldn't say "I spent £10.98 so here's £50 to cover my share of your bottle of wine and fillet steak" either.

I might think "my food was under a tenner and I only had one drink, so here's £20 which covers a generous tip", and if anyone looked funny about it I'd be happy to say it out loud, too.

Any awkwardness is in your head, and comes from the culture you grew up in. Other cultures are fine with splitting bills. In Germany, staff routinely track what each person ordered and are happy to split bills for you.

Just tell him next time it's your tune to pay you'll pay for the food if he pays for his own drinks as you're a bit skint at the moment. If he's a good friend it shouldn't be a problem & he'll understand.