Susbsidising friend's wine habit

[Tootsurly]

I have a friend who I go out with quite a lot as we're both single and live quite close to each other. When we have meals out he wants to take turns paying which is fine in principle, but in practice he will have three alcoholic drinks and a coffee whereas I will often just have tap water, so his drinks end up costing as much as or more than my food.

I've brought it up a couple of times already, but it feels awkward to broach the subject again, and I can't exactly tell him he's not allowed to order wine with his meal as if he's a child.

He has considerably more disposable income than I do so while I like to eat out I will find deals, or order from the set menu. But there's no point me finding an offer where we can eat for a fiver (Pizza Express After-School Club, in case anyone's wondering) if he then blows £25 on booze and coffee.

I should say, in fairness, that he is not at all tight - he's very generous - and I like his company, but I just can't match his spending power.

Any advice?

Just say you can’t afford to take it in turns unless you both pay for your own drinks

I’m teetotal and have been for twenty years. Unless it’s a situation where money isn’t an issue - very much not with my DCs or DSis - I will always explain that I’ll get a separate bill when I’m ordering and just pay for what I have. Honestly I felt fleeced many times before I took a stand and thought no more …

I would like to think my friends who have a lot more money than I am aware and they would pay their own way as in we just pay for what we have when we meet up if there’s a big difference if we more or less had the same we would go halves or yes like you one time one pays then the other pays next time.

I think it gets harder in OP's situation. If they are going to pay for what they have, then OP's friend is paying for both theatre tickets and his own meal, OP is just paying for her meal. That creates a huge imbalance in the relationship.

I vary according to friend. With some we alternate who pays the full amount. With others, we just pay for what we have. I don't really mind. I have a friend I'd be happy to pay for more often, but I'm mindful that might make her feel awkward and create an imbalance in the relationship. I wouldn't mind at all. So we always take turns paying.

Great start, but you need to actually also follow through, otherwise it’ll also weaken your words moving forwards. It’s our actions that matter anyway.

It’ll be hard and maybe awkward, (although probably only really for you!), really the once, the subsequent times it’ll be much easier!

What about using an app like Splitwise which lets you track what each person has had. You can either pay what you’ve had there and then or if you carry on taking turns to pay, you can ask him to transfer his share to you when you pay ans vice versa.
if he refuses to do something like that and you have explained to him several times that you’re not happy paying for his wine, tben your only choices are suck it up or stop going.

JUST SAY NO!

Absolutely, and for the expensive theatre tickets OP is accepting for free too. Everything split so they pay for themselves. Going to end up much more expensive for OP, though.

Or, she could just buy a few glasses of wine from time to time for the person who she accepts expensive gifts of theatre tickets from.

I'd never dream of not paying for dinner for the person treating me to expensive theatre tickets. Red Flag!

I know you have a bee in your bonnet about this, but if I treat someone to something, especially if it's partly for my benefit (I get their company or whatever) I don't do it because I expect to be treated in return at the next opportunity to basically compensate me. For example I've taken younger relatives out for a meal when they've been students. I don't expect them to pay the following time.

FFS, you've now made the same point in four separate posts Yes, I'm a terrible, grabby red flag. Happy?

Yes I agree to a point, but it's not OK for an adult to repeatedly accept expensive gifts whilst begrudging the person treating her a couple of glasses of wine from time to time.

I'm glad you recognise it. Stop being so miserly, and treat your very generous friend to a few glasses of wine from time to time in appreciation of the tickets he treats you to.

The point is that it's not really a gift. Person A wants to go to the theatre and sit in the best seats. This costs x. They are then happy to pay a supplement to their ticket (i.e. invite Person B) in order to have company. This costs y. Just because Person A chooses to do this independently does not mean Person B suddenly has the funds to significantly increase their monthly spending to match when they would never book the best seats or order four drinks with their meal when doing these activities on their own because they simply can't afford to. It's as simple as that.

Also, I have treated him multiple times to theatre tickets as well.

I have a different take on this @Tootsurly and @mrsm43s . The theatre tickets aren’t for OP, she doesn’t choose and wouldn’t choose them if it were up to her. She goes to keep her friend company. She’s also made it clear that she doesn’t have the same spends as he does. But he is controlling the way they spend their time together and he’s also controlling how OP spends her money and time. I don’t like the sound of him, I don’t think he’s a good friend, and I reiterate my opinion that having been turns down for a sexual relationship, he’s trying to get his benefits from the friendship another way. I don’t think he sees OP as a friend the way she sees him. Sadly.

I have. For a recent meal where I paid, my food was £20 and the bill was £80. I hadn't even had a soft drink on that occasion.

I wouldn’t use that wording, it’s so passive! Next time he invites you out just say “yes ok, I can’t afford to keep taking turns the way we have so we will pay for what we each have so I can stay on budget”. If he then has an issue with that decline the invite out

But it depends completely on intention behind theatre visit... If you're just going as a plus one and something you'd never want to see...i wouldn't expect to pay for privelege... If something I would normally see... Yes... Perhaps.

But I deffo wouldn't expect to pay in kind for something I only had marginal interest in esp when I'm short of money....

Recently I accompanied a friend to see a comedian... Someone not particularly interested in and wouldn't see again..
I only went as my friend wouldn't go solo... I bought a couple of drinks... Would I have paid 45£ for privelege.... Definitely not!

Then it's fine for OP to turn down the tickets. It's not OK to keep accepting the tickets but begrudge him a few glasses of wine when it's her turn to pay for dinner.

I agree that this doesn't feel like a healthy friendship, but OP doesn't seem willing to give up the freebies, so...

OP is free to turn down the free tickets if she wants. But she is repeatedly accepting them...

Yes, this is basically what I was trying to explain. Except to be fair to him I don't think he's being as manipulative as that, and certainly not intentionally.

Even if it is something I'd otherwise go to, I'd buy a £30 ticket, not a £150 ticket.

But yes, the rest of what you wrote is exactly what I was trying to explain.

I'm beginning to think I've offended you in real life.

They may be free, but if I'm giving up my time to keep him company why should I then be out of pocket? Obviously you'll disagree with that...

I think you need to be honest about it. I would deal with it separately to when you see him. Just tell him you are always on a budget and watching what you spend. Say you want to keep your catch ups in place but you need to a separate bill moving forward. He won't mind, it's probably just not in his mind when it comes to getting the bill as he has had a few wines....

Oh right. You're giving up your time in accepting expensive theatre tickets for free...

Don't go if it's such a chore.

If you are going to keep accepting expensive freebies, don't quibble over buying him a few glasses of wine occasionally.

How are you not getting this?