Susbsidising friend's wine habit

[Tootsurly]

I have a friend who I go out with quite a lot as we're both single and live quite close to each other. When we have meals out he wants to take turns paying which is fine in principle, but in practice he will have three alcoholic drinks and a coffee whereas I will often just have tap water, so his drinks end up costing as much as or more than my food.

I've brought it up a couple of times already, but it feels awkward to broach the subject again, and I can't exactly tell him he's not allowed to order wine with his meal as if he's a child.

He has considerably more disposable income than I do so while I like to eat out I will find deals, or order from the set menu. But there's no point me finding an offer where we can eat for a fiver (Pizza Express After-School Club, in case anyone's wondering) if he then blows £25 on booze and coffee.

I should say, in fairness, that he is not at all tight - he's very generous - and I like his company, but I just can't match his spending power.

Any advice?

I don't have a very very tight budget, I just feel like spending £20-30 on drinks in a restaurant is a total waste of money. I don't do it for myself, so I don't want to do it for someone else.

I'm possibly being a bit inflexible, but otoh so is he to some extent. He has never offered to pay for his wine when it's my turn to get the bill.

Does he understand you cant afford to spend any more than the deal price?

I've got lots of mates who would view it that they were happy to spend for eg £40, and if someone found a set menu deal for £20 they'd think "great i'll have wine and a dessert as well for my £40" not "great I needn't spend a penny over £20".

Just be really honest about it.

When I go with friends that drink or order dessert that I don't , I know that I have starter , main at roughly say £20 ( always round up higher ) and either give them cash or send them that amount . The rest is theirs .

Just say briskly "oh no, I didnt drink anything. You can pay for your drinks - thats £20, then £20 each for the food".

Don’t split meals going forward but say you’re pay for your own meals.

You just need brutal honesty rather than tactics if you’re not happy with it. Love spending time together but as you drink and I don’t, let’s just pay our own way from now on. Fancy Pizza Express next week? Done.

This. Just have the conversation with him.

Sometimes when people have a bit of money they just don't get it that others can't spend like they do and just need a reminder.
He will be fine with it OP.
X

Well the only option is to change the arrangement then so you don't alternate who pays but split the bill and calculate what you ate.
You can do this by pleading poverty or by saying it's hard to keep track whose turn it is or something else if you dont want to explain why.

This would make me extremely resentful and I like to think I wouldn't put up with it. My husband and I went out with our neighbours a decade ago, it was an all you can eat Chinese meal. The husband ordered 4 cokes which added up to more than the meal and he left half of the last one. We were fuming as we are one/max 2 drinks with a meal people - and we have never gone out with them again.

You’re right, that wouldn’t work . You have to be honest .

Yep, looks like I'll have to be really, really blunt.

It perhaps won't be a surprise if I add that he's been similarly thick-skinned regarding my reaction when he's suggested us becoming a couple on multiple occasions...

That's just greedy. And wasteful.

I do find it interesting all these threads about bill splitting. I am from a culture & family where financial generosity is viewed incredibly highly, you almost fight to be the one to pay the bill. My siblings and i would do things like sneak to the till while pretending to go to the loo to make sure we pick up the bill. If you did not end up paying last time you are gonna try even harder to get the bill next time so everyone always winds up having a turn to pay.

When i go out with friends if people are penny counting over it my instinct is just to pay the whole bill myself as I cant stand it! I find if I do this the vast majority of people offer you a sensible contribution later on and it avoids the awkwardness of someone sitting "well my starter was £7.99 and my drink was £2.99 here is exactly £10.98".

Just say - let’s pay for what we eat. Then you can both order withing your means.

Just be honest with him, and say you can't afford it. If necessary, spell it out: wine versus water. If he's a good friend, he'll take it on board.

To me this sounds quite deliberate on his part.

I'm saying this because when I go out with friends they are at pains to make sure I just pay for what I had since I don't drink grog and just have tap water mostly. They on the other hand would drink Loch Lomond dry ha ha and split their bill equally amongst themselves. I didn't ask for this, but it obviously suits me fine!

I know it can be very awkward to say upfront, but at this stage he is taking the proverbial, and I'd really be so annoyed that I'd say Hey John, we'll pay for our own from now on OK? Should that be a problem? Of course not, it just takes the hard done by person to say it, since the freeloader is happy out with the status quo and will never say it.

You shouldn’t have to say anything, a fair minded person would say I had three glasses of wine so my share is X.

I wouldn’t try to dictate what he drinks as a way to continue. I’d text and say going forward you want to each pay for your own as he tends to spend more than you. If he stops going out with you , you know he was doing it for the subsidised meal. If you meet and he says anything about one of you paying the bill. Say no remember I text you? I’m paying for myself. If he complains or tries to insult/ mock you say it’s up to you whether we go out but those are my terms.

When you place your order you mentally make a note of the cost. When the bill arrives, you check it, you say I'll pay my share, that's, £20 and hold out your card to the machine. Job done.

so pull on your big girl pants and use your words.

look Tom, I need us to start covering our own bills when we go out because I need to stick to a budget from now on.

Order a couple of bottles of champagne to go when it's his turn to pay.

He's being an arse. Time to put your big girl pants on.
At the start of the meal, say "Bob, I need to be really clear that I'm not alternating paying for the meals any more. I'm only going to pay for my share." (Stating the boundary)
When the bill comes, take it, work out your share, and when the waiter comes back say, "My share is £20.40". (Enforcing the boundary)
Big smile at Bob. Easy.

You just say ' Friend, let's just keep things fair from now on and pay for what we order.'
Simple as.

Or you can replace the word 'fair' with 'simple' if that's easier to say.

It sounds to me he knows exactly what he’s doing, especially given your updates. But if you enjoy his company enough to continue you need to be really blunt both when inviting him and at the start of the meal and say “I just want to pay for my share”. If he doesn’t like it you haven’t lost anything, the alternative is you keep avoiding him.