Susbsidising friend's wine habit

[Tootsurly]

I have a friend who I go out with quite a lot as we're both single and live quite close to each other. When we have meals out he wants to take turns paying which is fine in principle, but in practice he will have three alcoholic drinks and a coffee whereas I will often just have tap water, so his drinks end up costing as much as or more than my food.

I've brought it up a couple of times already, but it feels awkward to broach the subject again, and I can't exactly tell him he's not allowed to order wine with his meal as if he's a child.

He has considerably more disposable income than I do so while I like to eat out I will find deals, or order from the set menu. But there's no point me finding an offer where we can eat for a fiver (Pizza Express After-School Club, in case anyone's wondering) if he then blows £25 on booze and coffee.

I should say, in fairness, that he is not at all tight - he's very generous - and I like his company, but I just can't match his spending power.

Any advice?

In the same way that you're not getting that his decision to treat me to theatre tickets of his choosing in order to have company neither increases my disposable income nor means I should be obliged to compensate him in some way.

It's not OK to keep accepting the expensive gifts then. You are coming across very badly here.

Especially since, as per a previous post of yours, you don't have a very, very tight budget, you just resent spending £20-30 on drinks.

Nasty tightness, whilst happy to accept expdnsive gifts.

And you're coming across as absolutely lovely.

Thank you. Appreciated.

Hi OP,
You are not unreasonable to not want to pay for someone else's drinking. Your dinner date is unreasonable to keep this going when you have told them that you don't want to do this.

Having read all your posts I think you would be better to let this friendship fizzle out.

He is an older man that while generous at times wants to be repaid by milking you at the meals. He also wants to date you and you aren't interested.

Surely it would be better to pull away - this dynamic isn't helping either him or you to find a real partner or companion.

Maybe tell him to find another theatre buddy, choose cheaper seats or start going to films instead. It will level things.

But she doesn't want to pull away, she wants to keep accepting the freebie expensive theatre tickets...

I don't know. Hanging out with an older man that fancies you when you don't fancy them doesn't sound much fun to me.

Agreed. Yet OP still keeps accepting those freebies...

Does the cost of his glasses of wine/coffee cost a lot more than the cost of your theatre ticket? Theatre tickets are often expensive

It seems to me that he is treating you more than the other way around.
If you enjoy the friendship you either insist on paying your way on the meals, drinks and tickets, or you acceot his hospitality on a quid pro quo basis. Or you just cool off on accepting his theatre tickets, and see him less frequently at a level that works for you.

I think you have got a bee in your bonnet about him spending more on drinks that you, and have lost sight of his generosity overall..Perhaps the friendship has run it's course and he is beginning to irritate you, or you are worried about leading him on into thinking there is more depth and potential to your friendship than you are comfortable with

There's no way I would have gone out again after that

I think some people just cannot possibly grasp the idea that you may go along to something with a friend, purely to do them a favour, so they don't have to go on their own; but not really benefit if it's a show (and premium seats) that THEY like, but you wouldn't have chosen yourself and could take or leave (maybe even leave, if you'd rather be using your time do something else).

Obviously it's not the same thing - as it's usually a case of practical need, rather than just comfort - but this is why theatres will often offer a free ticket for the carer/companion of a disabled theatre-goer. If it's a professional carer, not only would they obviously not dream of paying for tickets themselves, but they will also be paid their usual wage for their time - even if there's a chance that they might quite enjoy elements of the production.

Him choosing productions that he wants to go to, and also going for the most expensive premium seats, in no way means that OP thus 'owes' him the price of those seats. By the sounds of it, he doesn't even invite or ask her beforehand, but he buys the tickets and presents it as a done deal. From what else OP has said about his reactions to the bill-splitting, I'm guessing that he might become rather 'persuasive' and take it badly if she said No, maybe turning on the guilt as he has nobody else to go with.

I do agree that the whole friendship itself seems very unbalanced, and not a fully healthy one; but it's nevertheless up to OP if she wants to keep it going... and if she does, that in no way obliges her to buying him wine to 'repay' him for the 'privilege' of already giving up her time to accompany him to a production of his choice.

No OP doesn't 'owe' him the price of the tickets. But to keep accepting these expensive gifts, but begrudge him a few glasses of wine is very off. And I don't think that OP is repeatedly accepting these expensive tickets merely as a favour to her friend, she's getting something out of it too. So shouting him a few glasses of wine from time to time seems reasonable.

Jeez, have you not made your point by now? I have shouted him many glasses of wine, and other things. It's just when he starts ordering three or four alcoholic drinks it gets a bit much.

Are you my friend?!

Why are you so worked up about this?

So just tell him again at the start of the meal. I am on a budget so I want to split the bill. Repeat at the end and tell the waiter yourself. Calculate it in advance and round up so you can kust say to the waiter, my share is £xxx

I am not sure why is so hard

OP, what I don’t get is that, as you’ve discussed it, the next time (after such a discussion) you go out and he orders a bunch of drinks or whatever, why aren’t you saying, ‘We’ve discussed this. Are you going to pay for the drinks separately?’ Or something along those lines.

Glad I'm not the only one who's noticed this.

I think the friend is still trying to woo OP with these theatre tickets and date type situations and she should start to decline these offers so he can find someone who is actually interested in him to go with him.

I do think he comes across badly too but she should not be accepting these offers as she knows he wants more from the relationship and it may be leading him on. This is not a true friendship if he wants more, I have learned this from bitter experience in the past and she should stop.

On a purely financial basis he is being much more generous than me, and I'm not pretending otherwise. I have treated him to as many meals and almost as many shows, but the tickets I've bought have not been as expensive. I've also helped him with quite a few practical things (he is a lot older than me and not very agile) so have given up my time as well.

But it simply boils down to the fact I can't suddenly afford to drastically up my spending just because he wants me to go to the theatre with him and he wants to sit in the expensive seats and to drink a lot of wine beforehand.

I'm not? I'm having a boring Saturday discussing things on a discussion forum!

So don't go then.

I was attempting to RTFT and, after a certain point, it basically became about that poster being very cross with you about theatre tickets. 😂

Well could you possibly go and be bored elsewhere?

I have considered your point and will bear it in mind going forwards. But now you've made it 75 times it's starting to get boring.

As it happens I am seeing him this afternoon and taking an expensive bottle of wine with me. I will also be helping him with housework before a dinner party he's having next weekend.

FFS, I don't mind going. But I wouldn't do it the same way left to my own devices. I would choose different shows and/or buy cheaper tickets.