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Original poster

AIBU to let my ex have everything just so I can finally have some peace?

299 replies

ByTealWasp · 22/10/2026 06:54

I've kept the details fairly vague because this involves my children, but I honestly need somewhere to get this off my chest.
My ex-husband and I were married for 9 yrs. He's American, I'm half American and half British, and we have two boys together.

We're currently going back and forth through solicitors trying to sort out arrangements for the children, and I genuinely don't think I've ever been this emotionally drained in my life.
I feel like everything has become a battle. Things that should be straightforward turn into another disagreement, another email between solicitors, another thing to pay for, another thing to worry about. I feel like I've spent so long trying to get everything sorted that I've forgotten what it feels like to just live my life without this hanging over me.
I do feel my ex has deliberately made things difficult at times, although obviously he'd have his own version of events. I'm not claiming to be perfect, but I'm exhausted by the constant back and forth.

My partner has been supportive and can see how much this is affecting me, but he thinks I'm making a huge mistake by giving in. He thinks I'll regret it and that I shouldn't let myself be pushed into a decision just because I'm worn down.The thing is, I've reached the point where I don't even care about winning anymore. I just want it to stop.
Today, I contacted my solicitor and told them I'm done. I said I'll pay the outstanding fees and they can go back to my ex's solicitors and tell them he can have it all. I'm tired of arguing, tired of paying for every disagreement to be dealt with, and tired of feeling like my entire life revolves around this situation.

I want to be clear that I love my boys more than anything. This isn't because I don't want them or because I don't care what happens. If anything, that's what makes this so painful. I feel like I'm being pulled apart emotionally, and I don't know how much more of this I can take.And the strangest thing is that, although I'm incredibly sad, I also feel a little lighter since telling my solicitor I'm done.
I actually feel guilty admitting that. What sort of mother feels relieved at the thought of stepping back from a fight involving her own children?But I think I'm just so exhausted that the thought of not having to deal with another argument, another solicitor's email or another round of negotiations feels like a weight being lifted off my shoulders.
I'm making a decision out of sheer exhaustion rather than what I really want but I’d rather live with that than for my children to be in the middle of a fight. Their father loves them no doubt about that but he seems to want everything to be battle refuses to agree I can’t keep arguing I’m sad.

My partner thinks I need to slow down and not make any final decisions while I'm feeling like this. I know he means well, but I don't think he fully understands how completely drained I am.

I'm not looking to get into the details of the arrangements because they're private, and I won't be sharing anything that could identify my children. I suppose I just want to know whether anyone else has ever reached a point where they've been so worn down by a separation that they've genuinely considered giving in on everything just to get their life back.
I'm exhausted, and my children don’t deserve this.

OP posts:
seanconneryseyebrow · 22/10/2026 13:45

OP - having dealt with similar myself, and working with other mums in this situation, I can tell you that he wont get custody at all. You all live in UK - habitual residence - and he moved to US. He doesnt have a hope in hell. As others have advised, I would get your solicitor to send one final letter. That you are no longer engaging unless he takes it to court - which he will need to do for access (make it clear you are happy for that). Have no contact with him other than via solicitor, and no more about this at all. . State this is for your mental wellebing. It goes to court now for visition arrangements. A judge can decide that - end of.

That will give you the peace you need.

TheBlueKoala · 22/10/2026 13:49

ByTealWasp · 22/10/2026 13:31

Different women do different things based on their own experiences, no two experiences are the same but and I am happy you were able to do that for your children.

Show quote history

Sounds like your partner is a decent man. Selfishly he could have told you to give your kids up just so he could have you for himself. The fact that he doesn't think you should give up on them honors him.

If I got this straight you have lived in the UK with your exh. When divorced HE decided to move to the US. So he was the one who left his children. There is no court who would grant him full custody when he chose to move away.

Do not give up on your children! Can you ask your partner to deal with the solicitor on your behalf? He's less emotionally invested so will not be burdened by it like you are. Try to detach from the process and focus on your kids. Your exh is NOT a good dad : he's not looking for their best interest which would be to stay where they grew up with their mum. If he wanted what's best for his kids he would have stayed put and asked for 50/50.

See a therapist so you can stay strong. If you give up on your children they will feel rejected for life. Unless you are so mentally unstable that you pose a threat to their wellbeing that is?

MeridaBrave · 22/10/2026 14:07

If you ex wants to take your kids to the USA, he can’t unless you agree. The courts will not agree to this. Stop going back and forward with lawyers and go to court.

Original poster
ByTealWasp · 22/10/2026 14:09

Freya1542 · 22/10/2026 12:03

@ByTealWasp You have "litigation fatigue" so a tactical withdrawal to reduce toxic exposure may make sense to you because you're exhausted.

Your children will almost never interpret this as a logical or self-sacrificing decision. Their thinking, at their particular ages, is generally black and white. There is no nuance.

They'll see your decision as you not caring enough, didn't want to fight for them and why? Because you find it too hard?

This is one of those situations that you do not get to walk away from because your ex has ground you down. There is far more at stake here, you must see that.

For you to have any chance of a loving relationship with your children going forward, this is your pain to absorb.

Your ex is punishing you through the children, you think your pain is unbearable now, how will you cope with the fallout that will come when you abandon your children? That's exactly how they will see it.

It is a hellish position you're in, that's plain to see, do not walk away from them, dig even deeper than you think you can.

It will get better, just not right now.

You are the advocate for your own and your childrens' future, how that will look is entirely in your hands.

Choose courage, not defeatism, as your mantra for the next few months @ByTealWasp.

I wish every strength and happiness for a wonderful future together for both you and your children.

I appreciate this and will do my best for my relationship with my children. I am just done going back and forth with this its not fair on them and I do think once they are older they will see the nuance of it all. I don't expect them to understand yet they are children, all that matters to me is that they are okay and in a safe environment. I didn't go into marriage to get divorced but that is what has happened. We both care about our children neither of us cares about them more than the other, we just want different things. I have been in counselling and this is my choice, maybe one day I will regret it but for now it is the best decision for me and my children. I don't believe I am the only advocate for my children ? I am slightly confuse by what you mean. They have both parents who love them and who advocate for them. I think things will get easier once we stop this back and forth, we don't hate each other we just want different arrangements and its hard to navigate.

OP posts:
Original poster
ByTealWasp · 22/10/2026 14:12

TheBlueKoala · 22/10/2026 13:49

Sounds like your partner is a decent man. Selfishly he could have told you to give your kids up just so he could have you for himself. The fact that he doesn't think you should give up on them honors him.

If I got this straight you have lived in the UK with your exh. When divorced HE decided to move to the US. So he was the one who left his children. There is no court who would grant him full custody when he chose to move away.

Do not give up on your children! Can you ask your partner to deal with the solicitor on your behalf? He's less emotionally invested so will not be burdened by it like you are. Try to detach from the process and focus on your kids. Your exh is NOT a good dad : he's not looking for their best interest which would be to stay where they grew up with their mum. If he wanted what's best for his kids he would have stayed put and asked for 50/50.

See a therapist so you can stay strong. If you give up on your children they will feel rejected for life. Unless you are so mentally unstable that you pose a threat to their wellbeing that is?

Show quote history

I have been seeing a counsellor and we have discussed this and my thought process going forward. I have a lot of support from family, friends, my partner, even my ex husbands sister, its not just difficult for me its hard for everyone including our children albeit we have tried our best to make sure they are okay, which they are but we both agreed for them to have counselling.

OP posts:
researchers3 · 22/10/2026 14:18

ByTealWasp · 22/10/2026 06:54

I've kept the details fairly vague because this involves my children, but I honestly need somewhere to get this off my chest.
My ex-husband and I were married for 9 yrs. He's American, I'm half American and half British, and we have two boys together.

We're currently going back and forth through solicitors trying to sort out arrangements for the children, and I genuinely don't think I've ever been this emotionally drained in my life.
I feel like everything has become a battle. Things that should be straightforward turn into another disagreement, another email between solicitors, another thing to pay for, another thing to worry about. I feel like I've spent so long trying to get everything sorted that I've forgotten what it feels like to just live my life without this hanging over me.
I do feel my ex has deliberately made things difficult at times, although obviously he'd have his own version of events. I'm not claiming to be perfect, but I'm exhausted by the constant back and forth.

My partner has been supportive and can see how much this is affecting me, but he thinks I'm making a huge mistake by giving in. He thinks I'll regret it and that I shouldn't let myself be pushed into a decision just because I'm worn down.The thing is, I've reached the point where I don't even care about winning anymore. I just want it to stop.
Today, I contacted my solicitor and told them I'm done. I said I'll pay the outstanding fees and they can go back to my ex's solicitors and tell them he can have it all. I'm tired of arguing, tired of paying for every disagreement to be dealt with, and tired of feeling like my entire life revolves around this situation.

I want to be clear that I love my boys more than anything. This isn't because I don't want them or because I don't care what happens. If anything, that's what makes this so painful. I feel like I'm being pulled apart emotionally, and I don't know how much more of this I can take.And the strangest thing is that, although I'm incredibly sad, I also feel a little lighter since telling my solicitor I'm done.
I actually feel guilty admitting that. What sort of mother feels relieved at the thought of stepping back from a fight involving her own children?But I think I'm just so exhausted that the thought of not having to deal with another argument, another solicitor's email or another round of negotiations feels like a weight being lifted off my shoulders.
I'm making a decision out of sheer exhaustion rather than what I really want but I’d rather live with that than for my children to be in the middle of a fight. Their father loves them no doubt about that but he seems to want everything to be battle refuses to agree I can’t keep arguing I’m sad.

My partner thinks I need to slow down and not make any final decisions while I'm feeling like this. I know he means well, but I don't think he fully understands how completely drained I am.

I'm not looking to get into the details of the arrangements because they're private, and I won't be sharing anything that could identify my children. I suppose I just want to know whether anyone else has ever reached a point where they've been so worn down by a separation that they've genuinely considered giving in on everything just to get their life back.
I'm exhausted, and my children don’t deserve this.

Solicitors do fuck all but string it out and inflame things.

Do a court application on your own. A judge will likely rule 50/50 on money and kids as a minimum to you (unless you earn lots more or have the boys less of the time. Why shoukd your ex get everything?

Chat gpt will tell you which forms to use and it's all on gov.uk

Youre on a hiding to nothing with solicitors, it's a farce and they can't enforce anything.

My divorce/finances took over 4 years to settle as my ex lied and lied. Went to court (less scary than it sounds) and got sorted in the end.

Original poster
ByTealWasp · 22/10/2026 14:30

researchers3 · 22/10/2026 14:18

Solicitors do fuck all but string it out and inflame things.

Do a court application on your own. A judge will likely rule 50/50 on money and kids as a minimum to you (unless you earn lots more or have the boys less of the time. Why shoukd your ex get everything?

Chat gpt will tell you which forms to use and it's all on gov.uk

Youre on a hiding to nothing with solicitors, it's a farce and they can't enforce anything.

My divorce/finances took over 4 years to settle as my ex lied and lied. Went to court (less scary than it sounds) and got sorted in the end.

Show quote history

Finances have been sorted without court, finances haven't been the issue, we just agree. I do not want to do a court application, I did look into it when this started but decided not to.

OP posts:
redpandapoop · 22/10/2026 14:31

So your husband is in America and you’re in the UK with the children and he wants them to live with him in America?

I have been to family court and divorced as a victim of DV (which I appreciate you are not) and it was several years of utter battle and it was awful.
However awful it was I never let myself give up
If you are in the UK with the children then you have the upper hand. He can demand all he wants, but he can take you to court for what he wants and see how that goes.

I get being worn down but please don’t give up your children

Original poster
ByTealWasp · 22/10/2026 14:35

I think some have made assumptions or added their own narrative. I haven't said my ex is a bad father in fact that is the complete opposite, even when we were together he was a great father. I haven't mentioned why he moved back to America all I have said is that he is currently living there.

My children were born in America, have lived in America more than England. They are here with me in London but go to an American School.

OP posts:
Dutch1e · 22/10/2026 14:38

I feel for you, this must be such a wearing situation.

Still, it will have to go to the UK courts. All the expensive letters in the world won't change either of your minds.

And in 6 months when you've had a good rest you may feel like you would give everything in the world to get this moment back and do things differently.

Seagulldancing · 22/10/2026 14:38

Im still confused. Are you both in England, in which case 50/50 is normal and a good starting point and a judge will help.
Or
Does your ex live abroad now and wants the kids in a different country? He won't get this, courts will generally keep the kids in the country where they are used to living. I have a relative trapped in Copenhagen as she won't leave her child, but desperately wants to go home to the UK.

Stop fighting with solicitors and get a court date. Your kids will never get over you giving up on anything less than 50/50.

Dutch1e · 22/10/2026 14:40

Seagulldancing · 22/10/2026 14:38

Im still confused. Are you both in England, in which case 50/50 is normal and a good starting point and a judge will help.
Or
Does your ex live abroad now and wants the kids in a different country? He won't get this, courts will generally keep the kids in the country where they are used to living. I have a relative trapped in Copenhagen as she won't leave her child, but desperately wants to go home to the UK.

Stop fighting with solicitors and get a court date. Your kids will never get over you giving up on anything less than 50/50.

Edited

If I'm understanding OP correctly, the children were born in the US and lived there for a long time. But are now in London living with OP and maintaining their home connection by being enrolled in an American School.

seanconneryseyebrow · 22/10/2026 14:40

ByTealWasp · 22/10/2026 14:35

I think some have made assumptions or added their own narrative. I haven't said my ex is a bad father in fact that is the complete opposite, even when we were together he was a great father. I haven't mentioned why he moved back to America all I have said is that he is currently living there.

My children were born in America, have lived in America more than England. They are here with me in London but go to an American School.

It wouldnt matter if they had only lived in UK a month - if they 'live' here - ie it wasnt a holiday, then it becomes there habitual residence. So you will win. He wouldnt be able to remove them unless you were seriously abusive.

seanconneryseyebrow · 22/10/2026 14:41

Do you think they would be better off with their dad in the US? is that why you want to give up and dont want to fight anymore - or do you genuinely not agree with what is best for them.

Did you come to the UK together as a family to live, then he went back when you split? Is that what happened?

AutumnRain453324 · 22/10/2026 14:42

Hell would freeze before I gave up custody of my children, especially at those ages. Go for a walk, calm down, and fight for your children.

MammaTill2Pojkar · 22/10/2026 14:43

notmoredirtywashing · 22/10/2026 13:32

@ByTealWasp

i think you misunderstood my post. I was just trying to give the perspective of a child in this situation.

You say that they’re in counseling, has anybody asked what they want? Nobody asked me and I was never given a choice.

Please don’t take out your frustration on me. You asked for input and I gave you mine. Yes, I am still full of anger but that’s my problem and never said that would be the case with your children.

Equally asking what they want could be very cruel depending on the outcome. Sure I was 14 when my parents separated but my Mum asked me who I wanted to stay with and I chose her, then my parents decided actually I would be best moving with my Dad, it felt like (still does feel like this actually) she just asked as a final one up to him 'see she loves me more', I can't imagine it made my Dad feel very good either to know my choice.

interestedandsol · 22/10/2026 14:46

You’re letting him win. He’s trying to wear you down through post seperation abuse. Stay strong 💛

OneHazelBird · 22/10/2026 15:02

Did you move countries when you separated from DH?

Or did he move to London and then move back to America?

It makes a massive difference.

You haven’t said what you think your DCs would prefer?

Why do you think the DCs will be better off living with you in the UK, than in America with their dad?

My fight would be dependent on what was best for the kids.

diddl · 22/10/2026 15:03

Did you all move to UK as a family?

If he's the one who has left his kids behind, does that make him a good father?

OneHazelBird · 22/10/2026 15:03

interestedandsol · 22/10/2026 14:46

You’re letting him win. He’s trying to wear you down through post seperation abuse. Stay strong 💛

Surely you could say that she’s doing exactly the same to him?

Why is she deemed a more competent parent than he is?

sunshine244 · 22/10/2026 15:12

Court are very unlikely to uproot children from being settled at school in the UK to go to US unless there are proven parenting issues with op. Obviously 50:50 isn't possible either.

Which makes me assume that the issues being raised in solicitors letters are quite severe e.g. accusations of abuse, alcohol/drugs etc? My ex accused me of pretty much everything. It was all lies but felt relentless and exhausting. I didn't back down and my ex tripped over all his extravagant lies in the end.

Original poster
ByTealWasp · 22/10/2026 15:17

sunshine244 · 22/10/2026 15:12

Court are very unlikely to uproot children from being settled at school in the UK to go to US unless there are proven parenting issues with op. Obviously 50:50 isn't possible either.

Which makes me assume that the issues being raised in solicitors letters are quite severe e.g. accusations of abuse, alcohol/drugs etc? My ex accused me of pretty much everything. It was all lies but felt relentless and exhausting. I didn't back down and my ex tripped over all his extravagant lies in the end.

Nothing to do with abuse/alcohol or drugs for neither of us. First of all he doesn't even drink last I checked and hasn't been a drinker for as long as I have known him which is quite a long time. There's no abuse between us, the worst there's been is us disagreeing on where to raise our children. Nothing he has said has been a lie and nothing I have said has been a lie, I think the arrangements with our children would have been much easier if we weren't dual nationals.

OP posts:
Original poster
ByTealWasp · 22/10/2026 15:18

interestedandsol · 22/10/2026 14:46

You’re letting him win. He’s trying to wear you down through post seperation abuse. Stay strong 💛

I don't see this as a win/lose situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
ByTealWasp · 22/10/2026 15:20

MammaTill2Pojkar · 22/10/2026 14:43

Equally asking what they want could be very cruel depending on the outcome. Sure I was 14 when my parents separated but my Mum asked me who I wanted to stay with and I chose her, then my parents decided actually I would be best moving with my Dad, it felt like (still does feel like this actually) she just asked as a final one up to him 'see she loves me more', I can't imagine it made my Dad feel very good either to know my choice.

Show quote history

That is so sad, thats not how either of us are approaching this, certainly not saying such things to one another.

OP posts:
TinyCottageGirl · 22/10/2026 15:20

ByTealWasp · 22/10/2026 14:35

I think some have made assumptions or added their own narrative. I haven't said my ex is a bad father in fact that is the complete opposite, even when we were together he was a great father. I haven't mentioned why he moved back to America all I have said is that he is currently living there.

My children were born in America, have lived in America more than England. They are here with me in London but go to an American School.

Sorry OP to be clear - do they go to school in America and grew up there (mostly), and you have moved to England since your seperation? In this case I think he has a strong case and it isn't a surprise he wants to keep them in America, I am sorry but it might be best for them if that's the life they are used to. How would you manage visiting etc. Could they come to the UK over summer and christmas and half terms etc.