AIBU to let my ex have everything just so I can finally have some peace?

[ByTealWasp]

I've kept the details fairly vague because this involves my children, but I honestly need somewhere to get this off my chest.
My ex-husband and I were married for 9 yrs. He's American, I'm half American and half British, and we have two boys together.

We're currently going back and forth through solicitors trying to sort out arrangements for the children, and I genuinely don't think I've ever been this emotionally drained in my life.
I feel like everything has become a battle. Things that should be straightforward turn into another disagreement, another email between solicitors, another thing to pay for, another thing to worry about. I feel like I've spent so long trying to get everything sorted that I've forgotten what it feels like to just live my life without this hanging over me.
I do feel my ex has deliberately made things difficult at times, although obviously he'd have his own version of events. I'm not claiming to be perfect, but I'm exhausted by the constant back and forth.

My partner has been supportive and can see how much this is affecting me, but he thinks I'm making a huge mistake by giving in. He thinks I'll regret it and that I shouldn't let myself be pushed into a decision just because I'm worn down.The thing is, I've reached the point where I don't even care about winning anymore. I just want it to stop.
Today, I contacted my solicitor and told them I'm done. I said I'll pay the outstanding fees and they can go back to my ex's solicitors and tell them he can have it all. I'm tired of arguing, tired of paying for every disagreement to be dealt with, and tired of feeling like my entire life revolves around this situation.

I want to be clear that I love my boys more than anything. This isn't because I don't want them or because I don't care what happens. If anything, that's what makes this so painful. I feel like I'm being pulled apart emotionally, and I don't know how much more of this I can take.And the strangest thing is that, although I'm incredibly sad, I also feel a little lighter since telling my solicitor I'm done.
I actually feel guilty admitting that. What sort of mother feels relieved at the thought of stepping back from a fight involving her own children?But I think I'm just so exhausted that the thought of not having to deal with another argument, another solicitor's email or another round of negotiations feels like a weight being lifted off my shoulders.
I'm making a decision out of sheer exhaustion rather than what I really want but I’d rather live with that than for my children to be in the middle of a fight. Their father loves them no doubt about that but he seems to want everything to be battle refuses to agree I can’t keep arguing I’m sad.

My partner thinks I need to slow down and not make any final decisions while I'm feeling like this. I know he means well, but I don't think he fully understands how completely drained I am.

I'm not looking to get into the details of the arrangements because they're private, and I won't be sharing anything that could identify my children. I suppose I just want to know whether anyone else has ever reached a point where they've been so worn down by a separation that they've genuinely considered giving in on everything just to get their life back.
I'm exhausted, and my children don’t deserve this.

I guess I will have to see how this goes but I have had this discussion with multiple people in my life its not just a decision I made overnight.

That’s because you’re worn down and in it. A good father doesn’t make his children’s mother feel like this because he knows the impact on the kids

They go to school in England its just an American School but they spent majority of their lives in America, they are here with me. I haven't moved to England since my separation, my ex husband and I both lived here together, he has since gone back to the states only recently, there were reasons for that it wasn't as though he just upped and left, I knew what was going on and why he needed to go back.

Fair enough everyone has different views. I know what type of father he has been to our children and I cannot fault him for that but then again that's his job.

You are in an impossible situation. But the law is on your side. Stop talking to him and the lawyers and go to court. There is no negotiation when you both want the kids, but hes moved an ocean away.

Ex moving to the US, for whatever reason and with no agreed long term plan, won't be viewed kindly by the courts. Or his kids, I was 18 when my DF moved to the US with his new wife. I understood but never forgave him for leaving us behind.

Seek help for yourself before you screw up your life, and your kids.

How long have you been in the UK with them?

So he had to go back to US for some mystery reason that you understand. Where you disagree, and are fighting, is you think children are best living with you, he thinks children are best living with him, - you can't agree, so its endless fighting. Is that correct?

A judge will rule in your favour due to the fact you all came here together. Unless there is abuse, and its just his opinion that they'd be better off.

If you deep down think they would be better off in US then thats a different story. And Id consider returning yourself with them, then doing 50/50.

We really do need more info, because its not making sense now. Hes not abusive, hes a good father, you came together (so you'd win in court), hes not making up lies about you or saying your abusive - so whats the issue? You just say no, they stay here and lvie with me.

Why did you both choose to move back to the UK?

And was the plan to always move back to USA?

Was the reason you enrolled them into an American school because it was easier as that’s what they were used to?
Or because the plan was always to move back?

Is there any chance of either of you moving back?

It’s a horrible situation as one of you are going to lose out and your kids are going to lose out either way.

Im not sure what you want from this thread. You’ve already made up your mind. Many people who have had similar experiences, both as children and adults have said you should not give up but you’ve already made up your mind to do that. I sincerely hope your children forgive you. They will be absolutely devastated to be separated from you.

He is SO not a wonderful father. He's trying to take his young children away from the mother they love, for God's sake. Don't let him. They need you more than a trust fund.

Ideally it would be better for my children to have both their parents. They need both their parents not just me.

Are you going to move to the US then to give them a chance of having you both?

Why is HE trying to take the children away from their mum and not their mum trying to take them away from their dad???

His solicitor is going to be arguing exactly that.

Surely the ultimate thing is what is best for the children and whether OP or the ex is planning to move in the future etc

I don't understand why you don't want to go to court?

If you're willing to let your ex have his way, why not roll the dice and get a court date? It can hardly be a worse outcome than what you're proposing

But it's not either/or. A good mum or dad would want them to have a relationship with both parents. I put it that way because OP described the man as a wonderful dad.

Your children are settled in school here. They have friends and I assume are happy. If you are committed to living in the UK, then there’s no reason for them to move back with their father just because it’s what he wants. Let it go to court, I really can’t see a judge awarding him the right to take them with him and out of a school they are settled in and away from you because dad wants that.

(if you are long term planning to live in the UK, when they get to secondary age I’d really think about shifting to a British school. It will give you more options and mean they are less likely to have friends leave.)

Well if you want your kids to feel their mother didn’t want to fight for them then yes, otherwise absolutely not. Don’t assume this decision won’t also affect them, probably far more.

OP, I really feel for you. My biggest concern would be the narrative your ex will spin if you give in. In theory he could very easily say to them "Well your Mom didn't want you so she said me & StepMom should take care of you. She wants to be with her new partner." There is a lot of poison he could drip in their ears and if you were In the UK with them in America he could really alienate them from you. So you'd lose even more in the long run.

If he’s not even living in the country and he chose
to move away then how is he going to have the kids anyway 🤷‍♀️ I can’t see how he could force that

I haven’t said that my decision won’t affect them I know it will. There’s nuances to this it’s not just black and white they’re children they’ll only see black and white but I’m experienced enough to know nuance develops. There’s things I thought when I was growing up that now I see aren’t so black and white. Neither of us (as of yet at least) have ever said anything bad about the other to our children that’s something we did discuss when we had issues in our marriage and ultimately decided to divorce. I wouldn’t want my children to be involved in the drama they know their parents aren’t together but they also know we love them both. My eldest has said on his own accord that we can still love him even if we aren’t together he understands the concept of us not being together. He knows it doesn’t change the fact that we are his parents and will always be his parents. He knows that his father is in America and he misses America too, he hates the cold here. My ex husband and I have discussed about me moving to the states, this was when our marriage first broke down and my work is currently here. I do have a life in America too, I spent some of my childhood there, here, Hong Kong, Singapore etc due to my dads work then came back for university here.

I am just tired of thinking about this all the time. I just want my children to have a stable childhood. I don’t want things to be up in the air. It sucks but that’s life. Marriages don’t work out and children have to always come first at least for us. We both want them but we live in different continents which makes it harder. If we both just lived in one place it would be so simple but it’s not.

My children are very loved and cared for by everyone around them not just me or their father, they’ve got lots of cousins etc, my ex and I both have 4+ siblings each, all of them all around the world it’s not as though their whole family is in just one part of the world. I grew up with my mum living in the states and my father living all over but those were very different circumstances to my own right now.

I don't understand why moving two children back to the us , when they have been living here in the uk is in their best interests. Have they not settled here, so you genuinely think that they will be happier in the us with their dad ?

Maybe but at the moment I doubt that would be the case. People change but at the moment we haven’t turned on eachother that way the children we with him in the states over summer they had a great time I spoke to them pretty much everyday, I went to see them too and stayed at my ex husbands place for a few days with them. They’re here with me currently I don’t think he’s worried about me tarnishing his name at the end of the day he is their father and they need him as much as they need me I wouldn’t want to talk about him badly to them same way he wouldn’t (yet since this is the default assumption on here) we discussed this right at the start of the breakdown of our marriage.

My ex husband and I have discussed about me moving to the states, this was when our marriage first broke down and my work is currently here.

Can you not seek a new job in the US and move with the kids? Presumably you're a dual national?

How do you know which country is in their best interest ? I’m slightly confused by that. They’re lived in both countries, slightly longer in the states though. I think they’ve be very happy in America same way they’ve be very happy here. Either parent is more than capable to taking care of them the same way it’s not as though ones better than the other. We are both their parents it’s just unfortunate that we are in a dual citizenship household which makes issues like this a little bit more complicated.

Modern divorce very very rarely gives the DC to one adult. Unless there is abuse or significant risk to the kids. You seem to want a fix which doesn't exist anymore.
Go to court. Get the DC in the school term, with him in holidays and every other Christmas.
Or move back to the US and co parent without trans Atlantic flights. You have to make some hard decisions.

Are they settled now? Do they have friends? Are they in clubs and groups ? (Eg scouts/guides, football teams etc).

If they move internationally again, would they be moving back to an old school /old area where they’d go back into a class full of friends, or would they be starting again, again.

A parent leaving is unsettling for a child, it’s often easier for them to cope if other areas of their lives remain constant.

These kids are going through a lot. If they have to move back to the US, could you go too and so they could do 50/50 or will you become someone they spend their holidays with?