AIBU to let my ex have everything just so I can finally have some peace?

[ByTealWasp]

I've kept the details fairly vague because this involves my children, but I honestly need somewhere to get this off my chest.
My ex-husband and I were married for 9 yrs. He's American, I'm half American and half British, and we have two boys together.

We're currently going back and forth through solicitors trying to sort out arrangements for the children, and I genuinely don't think I've ever been this emotionally drained in my life.
I feel like everything has become a battle. Things that should be straightforward turn into another disagreement, another email between solicitors, another thing to pay for, another thing to worry about. I feel like I've spent so long trying to get everything sorted that I've forgotten what it feels like to just live my life without this hanging over me.
I do feel my ex has deliberately made things difficult at times, although obviously he'd have his own version of events. I'm not claiming to be perfect, but I'm exhausted by the constant back and forth.

My partner has been supportive and can see how much this is affecting me, but he thinks I'm making a huge mistake by giving in. He thinks I'll regret it and that I shouldn't let myself be pushed into a decision just because I'm worn down.The thing is, I've reached the point where I don't even care about winning anymore. I just want it to stop.
Today, I contacted my solicitor and told them I'm done. I said I'll pay the outstanding fees and they can go back to my ex's solicitors and tell them he can have it all. I'm tired of arguing, tired of paying for every disagreement to be dealt with, and tired of feeling like my entire life revolves around this situation.

I want to be clear that I love my boys more than anything. This isn't because I don't want them or because I don't care what happens. If anything, that's what makes this so painful. I feel like I'm being pulled apart emotionally, and I don't know how much more of this I can take.And the strangest thing is that, although I'm incredibly sad, I also feel a little lighter since telling my solicitor I'm done.
I actually feel guilty admitting that. What sort of mother feels relieved at the thought of stepping back from a fight involving her own children?But I think I'm just so exhausted that the thought of not having to deal with another argument, another solicitor's email or another round of negotiations feels like a weight being lifted off my shoulders.
I'm making a decision out of sheer exhaustion rather than what I really want but I’d rather live with that than for my children to be in the middle of a fight. Their father loves them no doubt about that but he seems to want everything to be battle refuses to agree I can’t keep arguing I’m sad.

My partner thinks I need to slow down and not make any final decisions while I'm feeling like this. I know he means well, but I don't think he fully understands how completely drained I am.

I'm not looking to get into the details of the arrangements because they're private, and I won't be sharing anything that could identify my children. I suppose I just want to know whether anyone else has ever reached a point where they've been so worn down by a separation that they've genuinely considered giving in on everything just to get their life back.
I'm exhausted, and my children don’t deserve this.

Where are they living at the moment though? If you’ve been apart for a couple of years surely this is already sorted via the courts?

I totally understand your feelings.

I was going through a very horrible divorce 11 years ago although the fight was property and finances not children.

I ended up giving him what he wanted because I could not fight anymore.

I wish I hadn’t but I was so ill at the time and he exploited that.

Can you ask for a month breathing space? Could get a doctor’s note to back you up if needed.

Time to draw strength and reflect before making any irrevocable decisions.

If you give up I can almost guarantee that you WILL regret it.

Chances are that your children may end up blaming you, if not now or in the short term, but later, when they look back on their childhood and your ‘abandonment’ of them.

Fight. Take him to court. I can’t imagine that a judge would sign off on what he is demanding.

@ByTealWasp are you and ex both in same country? If not, are the kids in the same country as you at the moment?

If you are in the same country and reasonably close in location to each other then I think you will regret letting him have them full time. The kids are too young to understand he is manipulating things and they will likely feel you didn’t ‘fight’ for them.

I really think your partner is right on this. Is it too late for ‘mediation’ if you are in UK? It is usually a far cheaper option (solicitors’ letters just cost money and they can write anything, even if it’s not realistic, if someone is throwing money at them).

Remember, you don’t have to respond instantly. They are relying on you reacting.

I would understand if it was the finances uou were giving up on. I divorced several years ago and there were many financial aspects he lied about and at the time finishing this aspect and getting stability for my children was more important. It does upset me occasionally but overall it was by far the best option.

The children side though will likely never end even if you agree to what he wants now. Financial can be a clean break but children are an ongoing tie whether you like it or not. If he becomes the main carer that doesn't mean you won't end up diagnosing with the threat of court for other aspects in future - decisions about education, moving house, health decisions etc. If anything giving in on that aspect now might encourage him to take legal action more often in future.

This! Don't give up. In the UK courts he would not get more than 50/50 unless exceptional circumstances. You will regret this. Also nothing wrong with taking anti-depressants for a while to make you feel strong enough to fight him.

While it might seem the right thing to do as you’re burnt out,in years to come your children could potentially not want anything to do with you. What if he wants to take them to America for a new life,when do you see them ?
it’s all a mess but don’t give up on your children now they will need even more therapy.

fight this,or consider 50/50,you both need to do this for the children and not keep fighting between each other because you both think you’re right

I completely understand you Op because I have been there with my narcissistic ex who made life hell. Despite destroying me with his affairs and lies he battled me over everything. In the end I gave him all the material things, he had everything we owned and I took my clothes out in two black sacks and left with. Nothing. I did however keep my dd and I fought for her like a bloody lion. She was only young then and after years of his cobblers she went no contact in her late teens and we are free of him completely now. She is amazing but if I had left her with him she would be the shell of the woman she is now.
I can recall sleeping on a bean bag in our flat after we left (all I could afford after getting her bed) and I felt sad but we had each other and that was honestly enough.
give him all the material things but fight for your children, as I promise you one day you’ll be so grateful you did.

If you let them move to the US with him you will never get them back OP. I'm shocked that you would be so dismissive of the medication idea tbh, you clearly are struggling and that would help you think more clearly, you can go on them for a few months only. If getting through this as you say means losing your children, I can't fathom why it's the idea of medication that's anathema to you.

So you're going to give him full custody?

I know you don't want to give away any identifying details, but is this a case of both living in the same place and its about sharing time, or is this the case of him taking the kids to live, say, in the US and you staying here with your new partner/job?

The former, I'd say push 50/50, as most Courts would support this; if its the latter, that is much tougher, and factors such as current schooling/life, etc., possibly their own choice depending on ages will come into play. But ultimately, I know that I would live wherever my kids lived, even if I had to make sacrifices.

But I would say don't give up - just push the go to Court. Having gone through a divorce, my solicitors were very clear on this: if you can't decide and it drags on, this is unhealthy for the kids, so we go to Court. It's expensive, and it sounds like he can afford it more than you can, but it draws a line under everything and puts everything out in the open.

It's totally up to you what you do.

I explained what I did that helped me.

Personally, I would not give up and I do think you will regret it if you do but of course your choice.

Do you know what your children want?

I can understand walking away from financial settlements and physical assets. But not from my child. I think you will deeply regret it if you do. And remember that your children won't understand for a long time how you feel now, they'll just see that you gave in to their dad. Even if they do understand as adults, your relationship still might be not overcome years of them feeling you didn't fight.

This is assuming your husband is asking for unreasonable things. If his suggestions are fair but not your preference (eg he wants 50/50, moving custody time to accommodate holidays etc) or even petty (insisting on splitting Christmas Day in half, being first option for childcare if you're out/away etc) you're doing the right thing.

Never respond quickly to their demands. Give yourself time and space to put the letter down, do something for you - there is no rush and you are likely to say things you regret. Slow right down. Breathe. Get what you deserve for your kids and you to move on and live a happier life. Focus on the kids and their future as the reason to keep at it.

Can’t you do 50/50?

What do the DCs want?

From your vague description I am assuming that your DCs have built a life in one area/country, you’ve met someone new and now want to move them away from their dad and to start new schools etc.

He wants to take them to luve in USA ? Can you go live there too ? Serms yes if you american british
Or are you putting your new partner above your dc?
Do what you need to do to get 50 50 arrangement. If you need to move to usa then do that .
Your dc are young and need you around 50 50 basis

Have you not been to the family courts yet? Do you live in England currently? What's taking so long to get a court date?

Which country do you live in? If it’s the UK then I wouldn’t go for less than 50% tbh. I know that 50/50 happens in some US states too.

Where are you and ex based?

We can't advise if we don't know which country's divorce law you're dealing with.

If this is the case you HAVE to keep fighting. No matter what you think you can explain to your dc, they will never forgive you.
I say this as someone whose mum “gave me up” when I was 4. I’m now 60 years old and have had huge emotional and mental issues my whole life, I’ve been on medication and had lots of therapy. It ALL stems from my mother’s behaviour.
Please fight for your children.

I think that peace will be short followed by a lifetime of regret. Steel yourself and keep going

It’s hard to comment as I don’t know what you are agreeing to! If this is small stuff like number of days over the holidays yes - mad to waste brain space on this. If this is about custody more generally then don’t make rash decisions.

@ByTealWasp- you know how you feel now- this emotionally drained and broken by him because he’s not being kind or fair, he’s using his power to control you. Now imagine being 8/9 years old.

If he’s prepared to be unreasonable and bully you into submission to get his own way and control the situation, then he’ll do this to your kids. If he’s not a reasonable man to the woman in his life, he won’t be a reasonable man to the children in his life.

You can not give up custody. The most is 50/50. You have to give them your home as safety. You have to be physically there for them and give them space to live away from controlling bullying behaviour.

Do not let your children live with him full time. 50/50 max. Walk away from money and stuff, do not throw away your dcs mental health in order to just get free from him.

What does that mean? Does that mean that they will live with him full-time and you will hardly see them?

Do you live in the USA? In the UK, the starting point for child custody arrangements is normally 50/50 with each parent.

Are you in the US or UK?

I would push on as they’re very young and not seeing much of mum will almost definitely lead to issues for them later in life sadly. Do anything you can to fight for them, go on meds to help with your feelings if necessary as that will help you to push on . It sounds like you have a supportive partner too. Yes, the money is a pain fighting it all but the kids need mum the most rather than uni funds.