AIBU to let my ex have everything just so I can finally have some peace?

[ByTealWasp]

I've kept the details fairly vague because this involves my children, but I honestly need somewhere to get this off my chest.
My ex-husband and I were married for 9 yrs. He's American, I'm half American and half British, and we have two boys together.

We're currently going back and forth through solicitors trying to sort out arrangements for the children, and I genuinely don't think I've ever been this emotionally drained in my life.
I feel like everything has become a battle. Things that should be straightforward turn into another disagreement, another email between solicitors, another thing to pay for, another thing to worry about. I feel like I've spent so long trying to get everything sorted that I've forgotten what it feels like to just live my life without this hanging over me.
I do feel my ex has deliberately made things difficult at times, although obviously he'd have his own version of events. I'm not claiming to be perfect, but I'm exhausted by the constant back and forth.

My partner has been supportive and can see how much this is affecting me, but he thinks I'm making a huge mistake by giving in. He thinks I'll regret it and that I shouldn't let myself be pushed into a decision just because I'm worn down.The thing is, I've reached the point where I don't even care about winning anymore. I just want it to stop.
Today, I contacted my solicitor and told them I'm done. I said I'll pay the outstanding fees and they can go back to my ex's solicitors and tell them he can have it all. I'm tired of arguing, tired of paying for every disagreement to be dealt with, and tired of feeling like my entire life revolves around this situation.

I want to be clear that I love my boys more than anything. This isn't because I don't want them or because I don't care what happens. If anything, that's what makes this so painful. I feel like I'm being pulled apart emotionally, and I don't know how much more of this I can take.And the strangest thing is that, although I'm incredibly sad, I also feel a little lighter since telling my solicitor I'm done.
I actually feel guilty admitting that. What sort of mother feels relieved at the thought of stepping back from a fight involving her own children?But I think I'm just so exhausted that the thought of not having to deal with another argument, another solicitor's email or another round of negotiations feels like a weight being lifted off my shoulders.
I'm making a decision out of sheer exhaustion rather than what I really want but I’d rather live with that than for my children to be in the middle of a fight. Their father loves them no doubt about that but he seems to want everything to be battle refuses to agree I can’t keep arguing I’m sad.

My partner thinks I need to slow down and not make any final decisions while I'm feeling like this. I know he means well, but I don't think he fully understands how completely drained I am.

I'm not looking to get into the details of the arrangements because they're private, and I won't be sharing anything that could identify my children. I suppose I just want to know whether anyone else has ever reached a point where they've been so worn down by a separation that they've genuinely considered giving in on everything just to get their life back.
I'm exhausted, and my children don’t deserve this.

You're clearly not in agreement over the child arrangements, so why (you've been apart a couple of years at least from what I can gather) aren't you applying to court for the court to decide?

What's with the stress and strain of the back and forth, when there's a very simple solution to non-agreement over child arrangements?

You don't have to be sad all the time, you can take control and be assertive. 'We can't agree this between ourselves or with the help of our solicitors, so I'm applying to court.'

You don't need to spend much money on it either, given you are at the stage where you want to give up, just apply to court, give up the solicitors (they're not helping you if this has dragged on long enough to make you doubt yourself) and self represent.

You won't get a worse outcome in court than the one you are planning on right now.

You may be feeling a bit lighter, but that's because you've made a decision. It may not be the right decision, and you could just make a different one and let the court decide.

As he has met someone - this woman will be part of their lives - is she willing to do this? It will make a very unhappy family if this is what will happen. Does he really want them or is he just saying this because he wants to be a twat

It's time for a judge to decide then. Don't give up. I would rather be poor but with my kids 50% than throw this money at savings or school fees.

I was you - kinda. I didn't have a new partner though, and my ex was incredibly abusive. By the time I left him I was absolutely exhausted and a crumpled heap. I tried doing the dance for a while - I really thought it was over once I left so I was shocked when it kinda got worse because of coparenting. He used the courts to abuse me for sure. Its extremely common and ive supported women through post-separation abuse due to this (social worker). Anyway, back to me. I did give in and just said have what you want. What then happened was a string of events that made him in the power seat. I was essentially left penniless, with no secure housing (I walked away from the family home), and no financial security. He was in a 500k home. It lead to 8 years of fighting for custody where I was completely broken financially and emotionally (insecure expensive rentals in that situation was not good).

IF you can still be financially secure and give into him then consider it, and walk away but he will still fight you over childrens issues so I wonder if it will even help?

I dont know what id do if I had my time again. Sometimes I wish I had stayed put and fought him to get him out. But thats me with strong mental health. At the time, my solicitor said it would take abotu 9 months living together to get him out and the thought made me suicidal so I might not even be here if I hadnt made that decision.

Feel for you OP. Theres no right or wrong answer here - only what you can cope with.

Why not 50/50 care?

Wild horses wouldn’t stop me from fighting for my children.
I'd sacrifice school fees and anything else financially optional to keep my kids with me/in the country.

I wish people who have never been in this situation woudln't sy things like this. You aren't a better mother for feelign this way yanno? Do you not think women in this situation are sometimes prioritising their children? Because their children are in therapy, are in the midst of an epic battle that sometimes continues through their entire childhood. That some men will just not let it go, will not let up, and will use their children as pawns forever, and it can destroy your children. That some women end up in psych wards, or even end their lives due to these situations. Do you think that is better for their children?

The moral superiority in your statement and ignorance is astounding. Sometimes mothers stop fighting FOR their children, and for survival. Sounds dramatic but Ive seen it in my job, time and time again. Think yourself very very lucky if you can't even begin to understand it, because you have never been around such dsyfunction.

@ByTealWasp You have "litigation fatigue" so a tactical withdrawal to reduce toxic exposure may make sense to you because you're exhausted.

Your children will almost never interpret this as a logical or self-sacrificing decision. Their thinking, at their particular ages, is generally black and white. There is no nuance.

They'll see your decision as you not caring enough, didn't want to fight for them and why? Because you find it too hard?

This is one of those situations that you do not get to walk away from because your ex has ground you down. There is far more at stake here, you must see that.

For you to have any chance of a loving relationship with your children going forward, this is your pain to absorb.

Your ex is punishing you through the children, you think your pain is unbearable now, how will you cope with the fallout that will come when you abandon your children? That's exactly how they will see it.

It is a hellish position you're in, that's plain to see, do not walk away from them, dig even deeper than you think you can.

It will get better, just not right now.

You are the advocate for your own and your childrens' future, how that will look is entirely in your hands.

Choose courage, not defeatism, as your mantra for the next few months @ByTealWasp.

I wish every strength and happiness for a wonderful future together for both you and your children.

Having read your update, I think what pp said about her solicitor refusing trial by letter and saying it has to go to court is wise. Having said that, I have never been through this legal process. Why has it not been to court to get a custody decision?

I have been in a position analogous to this. That’s how I know. I fought tooth and nail to protect my children and ensure I could be around for them.

As the now adult child in this scenario, please don’t give up on your children. My mum never fought much for me because she’s was so beaten down by my dad, I can see this now as an adult.
my relationship with my mum never really recovered and I still hold anger to this day that she didn’t do more. I was 9 at the time and I’m now in my ‘60’s.

The feeling of abandonment never left me. Please keep up the fight.

Was he an involved hands on dad when you were together? does he really want to look after his own kids 50, 50. How convenient he has a new partner (presumably to help out with childcare)

I have met his partner I actually like her to be honest. My children school fees and savings matter to me I’m not going to send them into the world with nothing if I can avoid that. My parents saved and invested for me from birth to my 21 birthday and gave me access to the account and it’s really helped me. I want the same for my children.

Yes he’s a wonderful father we both love our children and he’s always been a very involved father. I think it’s tough for both of us because I’m in London the kids are here but he’s now in America.

What does 100% custody mean? will you still see them? Can he leave the country with them?

Can you pay to speak to a therapist? you almost certainly need anti depressants. Even if in your logical head you are saying to yourself, "it won't change the fact". They will help you disconnect from the relentless battle, & help you sleep.

There is no shame in needing anti depressants. They can be temporary until this situation is resolved. Allowing your XH 100% custody will only create more problems. & saying you can pay for private school with the money you save is a really astonishingly bad trade off.

He wants the children to live with him in the USA and you only see them during the holidays?

X post.
NO court would allow them to be sent to the USA. You need to fight this

Holding anger ? I love my children they know I love them but I also need to be okay to be parents. I haven’t abandoned my children I’d like for them to have the best possible chiodhood and know that we as their parents love them very much. I wish it didn’t but that’s life all I can do is the best for my children and if they hold anger then that’s alright fine they’re in counselling at the minute.

If your children are in the UK he cannot legally force a move. If he wants to ve available to them he could come abd wirk here.

If you give him 100% custody, I do think you will regret it.

Different women do different things based on their own experiences, no two experiences are the same but and I am happy you were able to do that for your children.

@ByTealWasp

i think you misunderstood my post. I was just trying to give the perspective of a child in this situation.

You say that they’re in counseling, has anybody asked what they want? Nobody asked me and I was never given a choice.

Please don’t take out your frustration on me. You asked for input and I gave you mine. Yes, I am still full of anger but that’s my problem and never said that would be the case with your children.

Yanbu to relent on material things thats not worth the battle. Your children really are. Perhaps time to say take it to family court I'm done?

Ok well then have a gold star for being a far far better mother than myself and all the women i have worked with. We are all awful mothers, terrible - and you are amazing.

Hope you feel good now.

BTW 'protecting your children' can sometimes mean backing away. Sometimes not. It is complex. Stop being a dick.

Your solicitor is wasting your money. This needs to go to court, not going backwards and forwards between solicitors. The solicitor needs instructing to say "your client will need to pursue access via the court system in the UK, there will be no further emails regarding this until that point".

Please don't give up on your children. The courts will see he decided to up and leave to go to America, the children are here where they are settled, in school (unless home educating) and have their friends here. He needs to make the effort to come over. There is no way I would ever send my children over knowing he could keep them.

I speak to a counsellor, I don't need anti depressants never been on anti depressants and I personally don't think I need them based on a feeling I have had in the last 3 weeks due to changes and back and fourth with my ex husband.